PurAqua – Italian Sparkling Mineral Water

I’m not sure if this is the same “brand” as PurAqua Belle Vie (see previous review)—who make flavored waters—or just similar—anyway, essentially, they are both from Aldi, that grocery store chain that’s not near enough me to ever go to. Anyway, this is their Italian water version, with its carbonation added—“very low sodium” and “low mineral content”—meaning it’s not particularly weird, and very delicious. It does taste unmistakably like mineral water. I probably couldn’t tell it from something like S. Pellegrino. But I’m not putting them head-to-head (not falling for that). I could drink this all day every day all day every day all day every day all day every day… sorry. The only thing I don’t like is that it comes in a plastic bottle. As far as that goes—it’s green in color, tall, 500ml, and has a subtle, lowkey label. But still, it’s a plastic bottle (a hefty one)… and that bums me out to no end.

No. 115 – 8.4.25

Simple Truth Organic – Cucumber Melon

I was excited to find this one—cucumber and melon sounds like an intriguing combination. Very summery. I wish that was my summary. But no… this one is foul. It’s run afoul of the law. The law of flavor. As the man said, what went wrong? Still, there’s a couple of positives. I like the can design a lot—this is that Kroger brand, their fake “health food” line—but they made an attractive can, one of the tall, thin ones—and there’s a nice, fruity, veggie graphic, and it’s all three shades of green—one so light it’s almost white. Also, I was really excited to see that someone attempted cucumber—which, to me, is a great idea for a water. Now if someone would make just cucumber—I hope someone tries that! The problem, here, for me, is the melon part. And that’s because it’s honeydew melon. Being green, I guess that made sense with the cucumber—and the fact that I can identify it is impressive—but it’s overpowering. I can’t taste the cucumber at all. I know some people love honeydew melon. I know… what a name! It sounds like what you’d feast on in Heaven. I think they gave that melon such a sweet name because, as a melon, it’s kind of lame. You know when there’s a fruit salad or a buffet? What’s the worst part, generally (besides those huge, flavorless, genetically modified grapes)? It’s the honeydew melon! No one wants to touch it. But there might be someone who loves it—and if so—this is your water! Don’t let the cucumber scare you away. They should have called this one “honeydew.” Then I’d know to leave it on the shelf. No, I’d probably try it anyway. Just because that name keeps making lofty promises.

No. 114 – 7.31.25

La Croix – Mojito

Publisher’s note: Another year-old sparkling water review that will seem somewhat dated, at this point—but maybe it will still be relevant. It’s hard to keep up with the rapidly changing, vibrant, fluid, world of sparkling water! At any rate, I was excited to see this attempt at Mojito water until I noticed the trademark symbol next to the word Mojito—what’s that all about? Does it mean no one can have the Mojito cocktail on their menu without paying La Croix? That put me off a little, until I tasted it—and realized I didn’t need ™ to put me off—this water is nasty. What I was excited about was someone attempting a flavor with MINT in it—so far, I haven’t seen any mint in any capacity. Maybe it won’t work in a sparkling water—but you’ve got to try. Anyway, I realize the Mojito cocktail goes way back, but it didn’t become a trendy cocktail until after I quit drinking, so I missed out. (To this day, I like to annoy the hipsters by pronouncing it MO-jih-toe.) I guess it’s usually made with rum, sugar, lime, and mint—sounds like a good idea—and probably sounds better after a few. The problem with the water (the can design is good) is that it seems to be replicating the taste of rum as much as the other ingredients—and I’m sorry, but rum is nasty. I know, I know, I drank plenty, back… but you always mix rum, usually with something sweet, and often with fruit juice. I’m talking about your average white rum—there are those dark, and aged, and fancy-pants Pusser’s rums that are—I’m guessing—complex and rich and, if nothing else, interesting. But the kind that tastes like this (replicated in this water), is, I’m sorry, nasty.

No. 113 – 7.27.25

Borjomi – Sparkling Natural Mineral Water

Here’s another hardcore mineral water—I think I bought at Cermak—it’s in a nice, glass, 500 ml bottle with a screw top, two labels, and there’s a little deer relief on the curve of the glass. Attractive label with mountains—it looks like rich-person product—but it only cost $3. And it is very minerally, and the flavor is slightly off-putting to me. Not undrinkable by any means, but a little much. Nothing like that other one—what was it? Vytautas, from Lithuania—that one practically tasted like there was salt in it. This one is from: 39 Tori Street, Borjomi 1200 Georgia. (I looked up the actual address—a bit shady, but then down their road, you can see some photos of a dude making gyros as: “Shawarma King.”) When I bought it, I might have thought it was from Georgia the state—not looking closely (elsewhere it says “Republic of Georgia”—which isn’t how you refer to the state—at least not at this point). So… this water comes from overseas, extracted from the earth—so how do we get it so cheaply? Georgia—formerly part of the Soviet Union—is a fascinating place.  You can spend your afternoon reading about it, like I did—pretty interesting. Plus, the water is tasting better the more I look at maps of the region—maybe it’s an acquired taste. Like many things.

No. 112 – 7.22.25

Waterloo – All Day Rosé

I had to immediately check the ingredients because I thought Waterloo might be expanding to the booze market! Then I noticed it says: “Non-Alcoholic” prominently in a little gold coin in the middle of the can. It’s the usual, “water and natural flavors”—what a pleasure it is, with these sparkling waters, to keep checking those ingredients, and keep seeing that minimal text! I was particularly excited to try this one because I believe it’s Waterloo’s “Grape” water that’s one of my favorites—for which I think I said something like: “They’ve done it! They’ve created an inexpensive non-alcoholic wine.” I’m quoting from memory, but that’s the gist—because that water did remind me of wine. And now they’ve introduced some new flavors that are definitely in the “mocktail” realm! (This was last summer, and I’m only getting around to this now—I’m still pathetically behind with the reviews!) Anyway, could they be listening to me? (No.)

So… this one—interesting, because as you know, rosé wine has a unique character. Even if I was still drinking, I wouldn’t get within 100 hectometers of rosé—it’s essentially a wine abomination. I’m sure I’m wrong about that—but I’m talking about the cheap stuff from, like, the Seventies. I didn’t even drink it as a kid, and I drank some crap. But I do remember it like it was yesterday. So, this one might be a little lighter and even less grapey than their “Grape,” but it really does touch on the rosé character. It’s pretty fascinating! I’m quite excited about this water! It could easily be my new regular (that is, if I had a regular). Great name, too, All Day Rosé—that’s inspired!

Okay. It’s now a year later, and I’m drinking my last can. When I discovered they were phasing it out, last fall, I tried to buy as much as I could carry, which wasn’t enough. I realize it was intended to be a “seasonal” flavor—and they probably didn’t expect it to go over as well as it did. Or maybe it went over horribly, I don’t know. It’s not like my opinion counts for anything. Should I write to Waterloo and beg them to bring this one back? Maybe I should—will they listen to me? (No.)

Also, I was afraid I might have just been blowing this up in my memory, so it’s very useful to be sampling one a year later. And guess what? It’s even better than I remember it! I’m going to say, this is my all-time favorite sparkling water flavor. It is! Of course, it’s a little alarming, as well. How do they pull off that weird sensation that you normally only get from alcohol? It’s hard to describe—kind of makes you feel funny in the chest—takes your breath away, slightly. This water has that! It’s really an amazing feat for a non-alcoholic beverage. Of course, it might be a slippery slope. If I end up falling off the wagon and destroying my life, I suppose at least I won’t, at that point, give a damn if Waterloo brings All Day Rosé back—I’ll be drinking whiskey.

No. 111 – 7.15.25

Whole Foods Market – Italian Sparkling Mineral Water

It comes in an overly tall (weird size: 33.8 ounces—why didn’t it just say the metric?) green plastic bottle with a label that looks like it’s trying to be vaguely European—I mean, if it was trying too hard it might seem kind of pathetic—since no matter what, you have the little circle there that says: “Whole Foods Market.” Notes: it’s good enough, overtly, slightly minerally, but mostly just clean sparkling, sparking water. It says on the label: “Low Mineral Content”—so there you go. Best thing on the label is: “Bottled straight from a PROTECTED SPRING in the heart of Italy.” That’s at least fun—whatever that means!

No. 110 – 7.9.25

Jelly Belly – Chocolate

When I try a sparkling water for the first time, I usually write down my observations in a document, then wait awhile, go back and revise it—maybe while trying it again—and see if I feel the same way. I am pretty thorough. I usually put a date on the initial document, which is why I notice how long it is, sometimes, from initially tasting the water until posting the review. I also keep these dates on a spreadsheet. I only mention this because of today’s odd, coincidental realization. I tested my first can of Jelly Belly Chocolate Sparking Water on July 4th, 2024—one day short of a year ago! Here was my initial observation:

I found two cans of this at World Market—first I’ve seen it—exciting find. This is a weird one! And it’s in 16-ounce cans, as you’re going to want more! There’s a metallic, chocolate-brown band along the top, kind of melting down, where it says “Chocolate.” And there’s a little rendition of a chocolate bar with a bite out of it—partially protruding from its red wrapper. They didn’t go all subtle with the flavor—to say the least—it’s bold. You can practically tell it’s chocolate from ten feet away. I had to double-check to see if there was actually sugar in it—it really fools you. Very chocolatey. Of course, it’s a little weird. The chocolate tastes a little off, a little phony, but I still like it. A lot. I feel like I could drink this regularly if I could find it!

So… without realizing that it was a whole year ago—for whatever reason, today, I decided I’d finally drink my second can of this water—sitting in the back of my fridge for a year! And my experience was almost exactly the same. It’s bold! It comes at you, just getting close. But I love it. It’s one of my favorites of all time. It just occurred to me that it reminds me exactly of that odd chocolate soda from my childhood—can’t remember the name—someone help me out. Maybe it was Choc-Ola—is that right? Slightly artificial chocolate flavor, but still pretty good. Anyway, this water has that one beat, because no milk and no sugar. Also, this is the water closest to the classic chocolate Egg Cream—but… not only containing no egg, and no cream—but also no milk, and no chocolate syrup! But is anything more refreshing on a humid summer day?

Why wasn’t this the biggest sparkling water success story of them all? Either they didn’t push it, or people have taste for shit (or, as ever, a combination of those factors). Anyway, I’m newly excited about this one—so I looked up their website, and I’m dismayed to see that Jelly Belly has discontinued all sparkling water! Why?! Apparently, they are still selling their diminutive beans of death—but no more sugar free sparkling water. Oh, well… I may have not only just drank the last can at World Market, but the last can in the world. I will save the can. Maybe collecting sparkling water cans will be the next trendy hobby, like collecting beer cans was, for a while, when I was a kid.

No. 109 – 7.3.25

Polar – Pink Apple & Lemon

So here it is—some apple flavored sparkling water—which I’d been complaining about not existing. Though—by this time—have I tried some other brand apple—or read about one? I’m not sure (I’ll have to look through these hundreds of reviews—some of which, not yet posted—I’m about a year behind, believe it or else!). Anyway, they couldn’t just go: “Apple.” And why not? I don’t get it. You’ve got apple wine, and apple tobacco, and apple juice, and APPLE PIE, for godsake! So… why Pink Apple & Lemon? You’ll have to ask the Polar Seltzer team over there in Worcester. “Family Made Since 1882.” Which means… I don’t even know. But anyway, I’m willing to forgive the pink and the lemon because they really nailed the flavor with this water. This is just going to have to be my regular, from now on, when I’m in a soft drink mood. You really, really don’t miss the sugar. It’s excellent. And I don’t even like apple juice—don’t touch that crap. This does, however, give me nostalgia for that crappy old Apple Tobacco, and the Boone’s Farm Apple Wine. It really does. The usual Polar can (with the logo where the polar bear looks like a white seal)—this one pleasing pink and silver two-tone. Terrible drawing of a pink apple and lemon—it looks like a tomato and an orange slice—a duo no one has ever seen together. A really good water, though.

No. 108 – 6.26.25

Vytautas – Minerals

This Vytautas mineral water is something. I bought a 500 ml bottle awhile back, finally tried it, and it almost scared me, it’s so extreme. It’s the most mineral-ly mineral water I’ve had. It’s funny, they just say “Minerals” under the Vytautas (well, small print: Carbonated Natural Mineral Water)—but who knows, when it’s not bottled for the English-speaking market. There’s also a little circle that says: “High Mineralization” and “7309 mg/L”—so I shouldn’t have been so surprised—but initially I thought I was being poisoned! I’m always saying I want MORE minerals in my mineral water—well here it is. But… too much to be pleasant! That’s because it reminds me too much of that stuff you take before a colonoscopy. But really—not that bad (that stuff is chemically)—and you could probably, easily develop a taste for this—and it’s probably got health benefits. It’s from Lithuania! Which is where, again? The Baltic Region of Europe—next to the Baltic Sea. North of Poland. No doubt cold winters. I wonder if it’s a good place to live. It probably is. Like anywhere else, the answer to that question is: “If you’ve got money.” You could spend the rest of your life just learning about Lithuania. This water is a good starting place. Maybe I should seek out the nearest Lithuanian restaurant. Will they have a gluten-free menu? Are the people nice? So many questions… Will this water grow on me? Will I buy it again?

No. 107 – 6.22.25

Third Space Brewing – Citra Lemon Hop Water

This one is from Milwaukee—so that’s exciting. It’s from Third Space Brewing, which I can walk to—though I’m not going to, unsolicited—since I don’t drink beer, and can’t even try it—so I’m unable to speak for their beer. But I’m all for small breweries putting out some kind of hop water—my new (well, no longer new) favorite drink. It’s got a nice can, flat yellow and white label on a silver can—good logo in black—not overdoing anything. Certainly thirst-quenching—a particularly refreshing one, does it have lemon flavor along with the hops? I think Citra hops are citrussy—so go with citrus, anyway. I’m not sure I wouldn’t prefer more hops and less lemon—if I want lemonade I’ll go to a lemonade stand—if the pandemic didn’t kill the lemonade stand business for all time. But I don’t know—I’m sure they’re trying to maximize their reach, for the kids—but still, too bland, not hoppy enough. I’ll try their other variety that’s in the grocery store—I might like that one better. Not cheap—nothing’s cheap—I sure do need that sparkling water grant to come through sooner rather than later.

No. 106 – 6.18.25

Galvanina – Lemon – Naturally Flavored Mineral Water

I think this Italian mineral water also comes in fancy glass bottles, but this one is plastic, which I don’t love, but this would be the ideal water for, like, a summer outing, or picnic. Maybe because it’s from Italy, and subtly lemon flavored that I’m thinking of picnics. Now I’m thinking of all the delicious food that would go well with this water. Also, it’s a warm day, so I’m focused on how refreshing it is. It’s a mineral water with added carbonation—and I can taste the minerals—just right! The slight lemon flavor doesn’t detract from it—and is, in itself, quite refreshing—I doubt all lemon flavor is created equal—and even though I probably don’t have the ability to rate them—I think this is a good one. It’s a 500 ml bottle—labeled only with a clear, thin, plastic band. I’d be happy to buy a liter, even. Unfortunately, I don’t remember where I bought this—or if it was pricy or not—but I’ll keep an eye out for it in the future—also, other flavors?

No. 105 – 6.12.25

La Croix – Peach–Pear

This is a good one! I’m pretty sure I tasted another brand’s Peach and somebody else’s Pear—but not sure if I’ve had a Peach–Pear yet. There are so many! I know I’ve been complaining about flavor combinations, but this one at least makes sense, just because they’re summer orchard fruits. But then… where is the apple? (Just plain Apple, I mean.) Well, I really like this one—like I’ve said before (I’m sure), sometimes peach can be a gross flavor, but it’s not gross here—maybe it’s the pear, or maybe it’s the pair—or maybe it’s the pare. (No… went too far.) Next time I’m at an art opening, I’ll look for this, and if they don’t have it, I’ll storm out. It’s the usual La Croix can, but there’s something about the metallic color of the pink-orange part (peach) that totally reminds me of these toy cars I had when I was little. Not Hot Wheels. The best Hot Wheels were the flat color ones, like the McLarens. But their competitor brand, Johnny Lightning, which were inferior to Hot Wheels, sometimes had better metallic colors, if I’m remembering correctly. Sometimes I’m really nostalgic for those very particular metallic colors!

No. 104 – 6.8.25

Sound – Rose, Lime, Hibiscus Tea

This isn’t quite the simple sparkling water with flavor—but I’m including it because I’m intrigued. A more complete name might be: Unsweetened Organic Sound Sparkling Water with Tea & Botanicals – Rose, Lime, Hibiscus Tea. It’s from New York, NY, of all places. Ingredients, besides sparkling water include: Rose Extract, Hibiscus Extract, Lime Extract, Citric Acid, Cardamom Extract. That’s a lot—but no “sugar”—no “fruit juice”—so it’s an odd one. The color is an almost cloudy dark brown—you could confuse it with beer. It’s totally delicious. I don’t remember what it cost, now, but probably too much for me (anything but tap water is too pricey for me, these days) but I could make this my regular drink. I can’t put my finger on any one of those flavors, which means they blend really well—you don’t get the potential oppressiveness from hibiscus, or oddness of rose, or the overwhelmingness of lime. Good flavor blending! For some reason (well, partly because I eat no processed sugar and very little even that’s sweet) it tastes sweet to me. I guess that’s part of the magic. The can is something else: simple, small font, red “Sound” is sideways on a flat white “label” which covers the entire silver metal can. And then a bold design of undulating stripes (I can’t really even attempt to describe it—check out their dynamic website) of the colors: red, pink, red, light green, and dark green. Whoever came up with that design had some real design magic in their design box. I’m sure it was either stolen from one of the world’s great museums, or not—in which case it should (or should have) won some kind of award for design—assuming they have awards for that shit—like they do for everything else.

No. 103 – 6.5.25

Whole Foods Market – Lime Mint Elderflower Mineral Water

That’s as short as I can make the name. The full name is: “Product of Italy – Whole Foods Market – Sparkling Lime Mint Elderflower Naturally Flavored Mineral Water.”  Whew! I’ve seen this at Whole Foods but haven’t been able to try any because it’s a half-hour walk home, and I usually have too much to carry. But I finally purchased one—it comes in big, 33.8 ounce, glass, screw-top, bottles. Which is cool—just heavy. The glass is tinted slightly green, and the labels look a little European and a little old-fashioned, without overdoing it. I tasted it and immediately approved. I could drink nothing but this, it’s very good. Also, it’s pretty subtle, for you subtle-lovers. I mean, lovers of the subtle. It’s a little bit minerally (which I love) and even less mint and lime (a little of those two goes a long way, and they didn’t mess up the balance). As far as elderflower? I have no idea what that is. On the internet? It’s the flower of the elder tree. Sometimes used medicinally. Its flavor is compared to a lot of things (descriptions not useful to me)—it sounds elusive. It certainly is elusive here—if it’s evident at all, it’s blending with the other flavors. But the bottom line is, this water is delicious, and no particular flavor dominates it.

No. 102 – 6.3.25

La Croix – Cherry Blossom

More cherry! Enough! Well, I risk repeating myself if I start complaining about cherry… again. So, I’ll try to keep an open mind. This one is lighter than some. And a nicer name, what with the “blossom” business. The pink can is excellent, too. Weirdly, I’m finding that I like this a lot more than the usual cherry flavored water. I’m pretty sure there is another flavor added, and I’m guessing it’s vanilla—which is the most common flavor enhancer. And can also be the fast-track to grossness, if used wrong (or the wrong kind of vanilla)… but this is good. Maybe that’s how they’re interpreting the “blossom” part of Cherry Blossom—pretty clever, if so. Time passes slowly in Cherryville. Spring is here. In retrospect, and later tastings, I’m absolutely certain there is an additional flavor to the cherry—and I do think it’s vanilla. This water is surprisingly delicious.

No. 101 – 5.27.25

Polar – Blackberry Mango

Right off, weirdly, this tastes like a good flavor combination—you can actually taste both flavors and they seem to work together. Maybe there is some cocktail or dessert I don’t know about that puts these two fruits together, like blended with vanilla ice cream and called a “martini.” (These days, anything you can mix together is called a martini. Love and Control Martini. Sarcasm and Faith Martini.) Also, makes sense for a duster, or a smoothie. But it does seem odd, since they’re from totally different parts of the world. Well, I don’t know where all blackberries grow—maybe everywhere. As cool as mangos are, they’re still a little weird, a bit of an acquired taste, so a good thing to mix with other fruit. Anyway, the flavors are bold—though the water does strike me as a little perfumy (which I guess is the risk of bold flavors). The can says “Premium” Seltzer—maybe all their cans say Premium now. I know this is a new one. Again, I have to admit, I wrote this over a year ago, so “new” is no longer new! And what in God’s name is a “duster?” That’s why I’m trying to catch up on these reviews! Things move fast in the Sparkling Waterworld. At the bottom of my original review, it also said: “Revised opinion: this one is bullshit.” So, take that any way you’d like. The can is a nice shade of metallic purple and silver two-tone, with a funny sliced mango surrounded by four blackberries. Look at the Polar website—they have lots of crazy flavors, limited editions, etc. I’m taking my advice, while trying to revise this review, and yes, good website, probably totally re-vamped since I wrote that! Looks like new flavors every day! It says they’ve been making seltzer since 1882! Can that even be true? Believe it or else! What did Chester A. Arthur drink in the White House? I’m guessing not “Unicorn Kisses.” Maybe Vanilla—which is one I’m still looking for!

No. 100 – 5.25.25

Kroger Seltzer – Mandarin Orange

Well, the can is a swirling two-tone orange mess, consistent with the style of all flavored sparkling waters, but the ugly, inelegant Kroger logo is front and center—so it doesn’t matter if the rest of the can is lovely—it’s an ugly can. They had the chance to do something weird that would stand out—like, say, not matching the colors with the flavor—or doing an ironic generic version—or something so bold or unexpected I can’t describe it (duh). But seeing how Kroger bought my local grocery store and then ran it into the ground with greed and lack of vision—what do I expect. Well… there is still hope for the future—maybe they’ll fix up the store and make really cool seltzer cans. The Mandarin Orange flavor sparkling water is weak, as well, not much flavor there, but it does exist—you can call it “subtle” if you want. It’s fine.

No. 99 – 5.21.25

La Croix – Berry

Surprising! This one is actually quite tasty—well, they all are. What’s surprising about this one? I guess it’s that I have a bad attitude about a flavor called “Berry” because it’s not specific—I would really prefer the names of the berries in question. Is it mulberry? Elderberry? Why not just call it “Mixed Fruit?” (Another one of my (NOT) favorites.) Or Barry Fruitage? (Well, that IS one of my favorites (people*). I wonder if I search the internet for “berry”—what berry will it give me? Well… internet gives me a lot of ADS—unrelated to berries. The water is good—it tastes fruity—but I need a specific berry to let my imagination get involved! There are some berries that it’s (hopefully) not—including: ivy berries, yew berries, and Virginia Creepers—don’t eat those—poison! What are some of the weirder (but edible) ones it could be? Lingonberry, of course, if we got this water at IKEA. Or boysenberry—but now we’re on the pancake syrup Lazy Susan at IHOP. Or maybe huckleberry, gooseberry, salmonberry, caperberry, dewberry, or my favorite… bearberry! And everyone’s favorite… Saskatoon Berry!

*Barry Fruitage – a fictional character invented by me, not meant to represent any actual person—living, dead, or otherwise sensitive.

No. 98 – 5.15.25

Water Update – May 2025

The water reviews keep coming! I realize this Water page has come off the tracks in recent weeks, with the massive “Flavors Wanted” list (please refer to that list, in the future, on the Listz-O-Mania! page, for updates!) and the varieties with fruit juice and narcotics! (just kidding)—however, it’s time to RE-DEFINE what will be reviewed here. From now on, here, please find NO: energy drinks, added fruit juice, sugar, artificial sweeteners, wheat, THC, alcohol. DO FIND: water, still and sparkling, hop water, in combination, occasionally, with tea, and herbal essences. Because I’m so behind with the reviews, expect to see a lot. Once caught up, it will depend on when I find the new ones—but sparkling water companies keep going overboard with the new varieties. It’s not the worst time in history for people who have to abstain from alcohol, gluten, and sugar! Also, I’m going to start adding numbers to the reviews—ongoing. (I’m not going to go back and number the earlier ones—I’m too lazy!) But please feel free to scroll down through the old reviews—scroll and scroll—there’s nearly a hundred so far!

—Randy Russell 5.13.25

SOSA – The Soda – Water Kefir – Pink Guava

I bought one can of this on closeout at Bob’s! Had to try it—but what does it mean? Internet says it’s a “musical artist”—but my “acronym finder” (“smart” phone) gives me half a dozen acronym choices—which one? The can is a bit compact – 11.16 ounces – it’s from Hungary! It’s a very nice, well-printed can, light blue with three shades of orange sunrise. Looks like they’re trying to evoke the “Sixties” without going full-on Peter Max. “Naturally Crafted SOSA THE SODA Water Kefir Pink Guava Premium Quality.” An address in Gyula, Hungary, but distributed thru a place in Malibu. Also: “California Sunshine in a Tasty Beverage.” And: “Fermented for several days using organic water kefir grains and organic beet sugar. Delicious and refreshing with postbiotic benefits, non-GMO, vegan, gluten free, carbonated non-alcoholic, pasteurized.” A lot to put you at ease! —I’m not generally going to buy, try, or write about anything with sugar, but I was curious! The ingredients are on an added sticker (maybe over the ingredients in Hungarian?) “Water Kefir, Filtered Water, Pink Guava Puree, Beet Sugar, Lime Juice, Natural Flavors, Natural Mushroom Extract…” There’s even more, but I’m getting tired! It’s a pink, slightly carbonated, cloudy beverage, slightly sweet, some sediment, with a guava flavor, also some off-putting favor, not extremely gross or anything, but weird enough to not be totally pleasant. I hope it has some benefits!

Only later I saw either an AI or AA warning about the possibility of some alcohol (it IS fermented) and the potential of slippery slope-ness. Alcoholic Intelligence? Artificials Anonymous? At any rate, I felt myself slip into a state of distraction, initiated an online shopping spree, ordered every book about the hollow earth theory, and rushed a bottle of Myers’s Rum—which unfortunately now comes in a plastic bottle—but Amazon will only deliver liquor in plastic bottles. Still, felt like rock-bottom, barely half a step up from the plastic two-liter jug of Pissedmyself Vodka. Got an Uber just to take me across the street to the Pyramid Supper Club, dancing until dawn, doin’ the Mid-life Crisis, etc. Woke up in a cabin in the North Woods, shared with a dead body! Fortunately, the ground isn’t frozen yet, but how am I gonna explain… Okay, none of that is true. Some people will believe anything for a good story. I sampled the Water Kefir, and my observations? Gas.

5.11.25