The Dude IS a Cat

A GOOD TIME to revisit and repost my old Coen brothers “ranking” because I started listening to the podcast called “Blank Check”—where they tackle a director at a time, which is great fun. I thought their David Lynch series was excellent, and now they’re diving into the Coens. They are some fairly young, very bright kids—and even though I often disagree (due to our age differences, we have very different cultural references)—I love listening to them. They are a lot smarter than I am! At any rate, my “rankings” and brief observations, below, were written in 2016 (pre-Buster Scruggs) which seems longer ago than it should. I may rewatch some of these movies now—fun to see if my takes have changed—but I’m not going to edit this article—I’ll just live with it.

Is The Ballad of Buster Scruggs a “Movie?”

No, it’s not a movie. Its full title—The Ballad of Buster Scruggs and Other Tales of the American Frontier—is a collection of six short films—the first of which is titled The Ballad of Buster Scruggs. Each has its own title, beginning, middle, and end—they are unique stories. Each has different characters, actors, theme, and tone—from goofy and hilarious—to grim and depressing—to nearly inexplicable. They fit together because they’re all of the Western genre and feel very much like Coen brothers movies. If I was going to “rank” them in this article, I might weave them in, here and there, between the other movies. Which would be weird, I think, and maybe fun, but I’m not going to. On the other hand, you could call the whole thing a movie—after all, there are books of “short stories” that I consider “a novel.” Well, if someone was insistent, I could consider a paper plate, stained by an eaten cheese enchilada, and nailed to a wall, a novel. So… if you want, stick Buster Scruggs in the top ten, say between 5 and 6—it’s pretty great.

Will they make another movie as the “Coen brothers?” There’s something to be said for siblings working together! Sometimes people have speculated that they could be the ones to make (the “unfilmable”) Blood Meridian into a movie, which is a fun thought for people who like “bookends” (Blood in the tittles), and considering they adapted another (though very different) Cormac McCarthy. Some people are against it, understandably—though, anyone who has read Blood Meridian—you either have to turn off part of yourself or accept some harsh deficiencies in character. I couldn’t read it—but I listened to an audiobook, which I think tempers it—due to the performance and musicality of the reader. Even so, I almost started drinking again. You could argue that filmically tempering it by condensing and reinterpreting it, and with visual beauty, interesting performances, and music—maybe that’s the way to go. If the Coen brothers did it, I’d go see it—and I’m trying to avoid (pretty unsuccessfully) onscreen violence, lately. Anyway… so that’s another useless aside… but on with my silly sport of rankings!

—Randy Russell 7.19.25

The Coen Brothers Ranked—from Wurst to First

Number 17:  Fargo (1996)

The idea of the filmmaker as a childlike god—looking down on the world where they’re playing—is slightly more tolerable with the Coen brothers, since there are two of them, and you can imagine them snickering to each other as they set in motion their contraptions fueled by massive stupidity. But someone like an older sister or smart aunt should have stepped in to help Jean Lundegaard. I have no way, really, to explain my revulsion toward this obviously formidable work of art than to say there is a line (in regard to the treatment, degradation, and destruction of characters) for me, and this story steps over it, which has a snowball effect of turning all of the characters’ lack of interest in life into an indictment. I felt like the characters were belittled in every respect. I laughed, too, at times, but that couldn’t save it for me, and the famous scene with Steve Buscemi’s character being made into human wurst in the woodchipper didn’t ultimately turn it into a cartoon. I also didn’t like Carter Burwell’s score (I usually love his film music) which makes me feel like I’m at a Society for Creative Anachronism joust—and renders the thing I most like about this movie, the landscape, into a nightmare.

Number 16 – True Grit (2010)

I’ve always hated Westerns, having had them shoved down my throat as a kid, so every time I see a really good one it starts out as an uphill battle and is ultimately exhausting. That is maybe why this is one of the Coens’ movies I didn’t go to see at a theater, and Westerns need the big screen. But ultimately, I liked it. I believe I read that they were going to stick more to the Charles Portis novel than the John Wayne movie (1969) (which I remember not liking, as a kid, at all). This feels like the least Coen brothers of all their movies to me, but where it’s pure Coens is every time the little girl, Mattie (played by Hailee Steinfeld) takes command of a scene; she’s precocious and comic, yet her common sense and fearlessness is inspiring, and the heart of the story. Jeff Bridges is great as usual, and he takes “crusty” to another level, but the Mattie character is the movie. For me, I was happy any time the characters were talking, and every time there is action, adventure, shooting, riding, suspense… I’m pretty much in zzzz-land.

Number 15 – O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)

Probably the Coen brothers movie I have the least to say about; I like it, but am just not that excited about it. I remember seeing it at the theater when it came out in 2000 and being a little disappointed because I thought (unfairly, I guess) it might have more to do with the Preston Sturges film Sullivan’s Travels (1941) from which it takes its title. In a way it’s kind of a companion to Hail, Caesar! in that both are named after films within films, and both period comedies (this one is 1930s) with extended musical numbers. For some reason I could never get very excited by this Great Depression, rural South epic, or the period folk music that is a prominent part of the story, nor the sepia-tone look, nor the overly convoluted plot, even though I’ve watched it several times. The definite high point for me is the language, which is odd and pleasing, and the performances of the leads, particularly George Clooney, who plays a kind of hustler whose major attribute is his mouth—one of those guys who could sell you anything—even while you know you’re being taken—just because you’re mesmerized by the poetry of his effort.

Number 14 – Intolerable Cruelty (2003)

This is such a bizarre mess that I’ll put it on a list of similar oddities if I ever make one. The Coens are admittedly highway robbers of cinema, but their inspiration here is borrowing from Preston Sturges’ The Lady Eve (1941) (which is solidly one of my five favorite movies ever) to which this can’t stand up; pretty much every performance in movie history withers next to Barbara Stanwyck’s in that movie. But the much more bizarre thing they do is borrow liberally from several scenes in David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive (2001), which came out only a couple years earlier. This movie is framed really oddly, with scenes that make you think you’re in the wrong movie (or watching bad TV) and there are some subplots that also seem out of place (though Cedric the Entertainer’s character, Gus Petch, is the funniest part of the movie) (as well as Billy Bob Thornton’s couple of hilarious scenes). The joke about the two main characters—a sleazy lawyer played by George Clooney and a gold-digger, Catherine Zeta-Jones—being actually turned on by tearing up prenuptial agreements is beaten to death, but still pretty funny. The animated opening credits, along with Elvis Presley’s “Suspicious Minds” is a kind of amazing scene in itself. Ultimately, the most interesting thing to me is the odd shift of tones and styles, which might not always work, but sure excites me on an intellectual oddity level. Also, I’m going to, at some point, see what I can find written about the weird connection to the Mulholland Drive.

Number 13 – Raising Arizona (1987)

If the Coen brothers had gone on to make all their movies pretty much along the same lines as this one they might be more popular than they are now, but not with me, and I probably would have stopped paying attention. The super-fast-paced, kinetic and loud, chaotic style with the fast zooms into someone’s horrified face or screaming mouth—it is just not for me. It’s interesting that this is the first of their movies I saw at the theater when it came out, and I was not impressed at the time; if you would have told me then I’d be writing an article about seventeen of their films, thirty years in the future, I would have laughed. It’s also my first (and least favorite) exposure to John Goodman. Some of the smaller parts are just not that good, and “The Lone Biker of the Apocalypse” made me yawn. Trey Wilson, however, is great, and Frances McDormand’s small part is maybe her funniest ever. The thing that bothers me most, though, ultimately, is that I can’t get over the sense that the story (a barren couple desperately wanting a baby, kidnap one of a set of locally famous quintuplets) screamed out for them to keep losing babies (comically, tragically) after which they’d go back and kidnap another one, and then another. Maybe the Coens were wise not to indulge in comic infant tragedy, but what an opportunity.

Number 12 – The Ladykillers (2004)

I have not seen the original The Ladykillers, a seemingly beloved 1955 British comedy, though will someday, and it will probably influence my opinion of this remake, which is the story of a band of criminals pulling off a heist and then attempting to kill the landlady of the house they are using as their headquarters. This is my favorite Tom Hanks part (though I haven’t, remotely, seen them all) as he is the smooth talking, slimy “Professor,” and the dialogue is just pretty insane and worth re-watching just to hear him deliver it. The landlady, played by Irma P. Hall, is both the funniest and best part; she comes across as clueless as the rest, but has the kind of innate wisdom attributed to the ideal of the “mother” (as in Captain Penny’s reworking of Abraham Lincoln’s “You can fool some of the people...” quote). Most of the minor characters don’t come off as well, and some of the comedy is a little broad (I am just never going to be a fan of poop humor)—the exception being (in spite of the IBS jokes) J.K. Simmons, who creates a dead-on portrait of the overly confident, know-it-all moron everyone has had the pleasure of knowing. The other stars here are the cartoonish bridge with the garbage barge inching below, and the landlady’s cat, Pickles, who is always escaping and gets the last word in this movie.

Number 11 – Hail, Caesar! (2016)

The last Coen brothers movie I saw in a theater—and I went a second time (I almost always like their movies more on the second viewing)—and then went a third time and… had some problems. It took me awhile to figure out what was bothering me, but now I think what I wanted was… more. As much as I liked Josh Brolin’s performance, I found the Eddie Mannix character the least interesting of the leads and not the best choice to frame the story—and would’ve liked it to be more of a complete ensemble piece like, say, Robert Altman’s Nashville (1975), with no individual focus, but expansion of several of the characters. No new characters, but more of Baird Whitlock, Hobie Doyle, DeeAnna Moran, Burt Gurney, and Laurence Laurentz. And then also, maybe expanding some of the others, like Jonah Hill’s character, and one of the communists, and then most of all, Tilda Swinton’s twin sisters. I loved the musical numbers and would have liked more. In an ideal world, this is the movie that should have been shot in 70mm, widescreen, and shown in exhibition on film, with an intermission (instead of The Hateful Eight). Or at the very least, three hours long with an intermission (I’d love to see what the Coens would do with an intermission). Plus, I wish they would have worked in a cat somewhere. Just one idea: imagine framing a longer, more sprawling movie with an expansion of the identical twin gossip columnists, played by Tilda Swinton—their lives, their offices, their relationship(s), their cat(s). The possibilities make me want to cry.

Number 10 – The Hudsucker Proxy (1994)

I’m not generally concerned with box office, or consensus opinion, but it’s interesting that this movie was considered an epic failure and people seem to hate it. I guess it had a rather large budget—and it does look and feel epic and expensive—and then made no money. You can see the problem developing: worst movie title ever; it’s essentially a holiday movie and was released in March; and it’s the first Coen brothers movie not steeped in violence—and the juvenile, violence loving faction of Coen fans weren’t happy. It was my favorite of their movies for a long time—first of all because it’s to some degree a movie about work, and I loved the insane inside workings of the huge company, from boardroom to elevator to mailroom, hyper-exaggerated but still ringing true. Then, also, it’s a reworking of a nostalgic, holiday kind of movie, essentially their version of Frank Capra. I very much liked the over-the-top, screwball comic performances and the usual Coen hyper-focus on odd details and often invisible minutiae brought to the foreground. It was only years after seeing this that I saw the Preston Sturges classic Christmas in July (1940) (that I would then, for a while, list as my favorite movie of all time) which this borrows heavily from, and unfortunately, ultimately pales in comparison to. It’s not fair, of course, but the Sturges film has one of the best endings in all movies (it’s my favorite ending) and I have no idea if the Coens look back on their work, ever, and ask, “What could we have done better?”—but I would be surprised if they didn’t return to their biggest influences. Where this movie kind of goes off the tracks is in the second half when it seems to struggle to make it all come together, and this is where Sturges is at his best and can wrap up stories seemingly as if by magic. Also, I want to imagine that Ethan and Joel, re-watching Christmas in July, said to each other, “That’s what we need. We need a cat.”

Number 9 – Blood Simple (1984)

A nice thing about examining all of the films by the Coen brothers is they don’t have one that stands out as superior or inferior to the rest, and this, their first feature, doesn’t look at all like a first film; it’s as mature and complex as anything they’ve made, and has their distinctive signature on it even though at this time there was no body of work. If you’ve never seen it, or not for a while, it’s worth going back to, and it will surprise you. I’m not going to say anything about the convoluted plot, which is enjoyable in itself, or some purely visual stuff that is as good as anything they’ve done, but is best experienced, not talked about. M. Emmet Walsh might be my favorite sleazy private investigator ever—well, certainly his performance would go on a short list of best line delivery of all time. The movie is very violent, and cruel, and it’s hard to care about anyone too much. I’m kind of curious about what their fascination with Texas is—though of course, it’s a great canvas for this kind of story. If you imagine God as someone who just puts things in motion and then looks down on the world, you can picture him/her being momentarily confused about the people in this story—thinking, “Why in the hell are they acting that way?” Then realizing, “Oh, right, I see the bigger picture, but these people are all acting on insufficient information, with insufficient imaginations, and very base, limited motivation. And they’re getting everything wrong.”

Number 8 – Burn After Reading (2008)

At one point this was one of my least favorite Coen brothers films, mostly due to how totally grim it all is, on one hand, and—though it starts out really promising—as it goes along and the characters start dying, I liked it less. Also, the contemporary time period and the setting in mostly Washington DC suburbs is equally as bleak and depressing, and I kind of get the impression not real inspiring to the filmmakers. When I revisited it, however, I enjoyed the almost clinical examination of the worst of human nature. Again using the God looking down analogy, the film opens with a progression of satellite surveillance images, zooming down on our story, and then at the very end (after a great short scene with J.K. Simmons perfectly expressing how we might be feeling by that point), we again zoom out—which could mean both the intelligence agency burying the story, and God saying, “Get me the fuck out of here.” There are kind of odd and off-center, hilarious comic performances throughout, particularly by Frances McDormand, Brad Pitt, and Coen’s regular, Richard Jenkins. My favorite though, here, is John Malkovich, and this makes you wish he was in more of their movies. Tilda Swinton’s part, sadly, is brief, but the short scene where Malkovich tells her that he’s writing a “memoir”—her reaction, then, is priceless—I think it’s my favorite comic moment in any Coen brothers film.

Number 7 – No Country for Old Men (2007)

Like a restaurant critic with dietary restrictions, my disinterest in and even revulsion toward movie violence in recent years makes it problematic to write about movies in general, but especially someone like the Coen brothers for whom it is a central element. This film came at a time when I had no interest in seeing it, so it was some years later that I took it up on the small screen where it lost its Western grandeur but still sucked me in as an exciting narrative. Being caught up in this story, as I’m sure anyone would be on first viewing, is an upsetting experience, as it pretty much turns all the conventions of action, Western, suspense, heist, and crime movies upside down and inside out. This is its strength, of course, and definitely a reason for repeat viewing, where there is pleasure in being unencumbered by the emotions that come with caring about the characters. I don’t like being upset by movies, and maybe that is a weakness of mine, but nail-biting, edge of seat viewing is not my thing (maybe why I’ve never been a fan of horror movies)—while trying to figure out puzzles is. I believe the Coen’s foremost interest, in all their films, is the movies, which is one of the things I like about them, and in this case the relationship of Cormac McCarthy’s novel to purely filmic elements, mise-en-scène, the performances, editing, what is not shown, and—particularly spectacular in this movie—the silences. My very favorite part of this movie is the matching two scenes with Ed Tom (Tommy Lee Jones) and Chigurh (Javier Bardem) drinking from a bottle of milk in front of the same blank TV screen, with only minutes separating them. Up until the very beautiful last two scenes (that contain humanity, sanity, and cats) this is mostly Chigurh’s movie, and I began by hating him and his bullshit coin-toss bullying, but ultimately I came to like him because he’s essentially a cartoon; you could almost replace him with an animated Beavis, Butt-Head, or penis-head Darth Vader—he’s ultimately comic, and not someone we’d ever meet in real life. Well, we might, but the odds are very, very slim, while the odds of encountering some other stupid, tragic fate are very good. And the odds of it all coming to an end one day—with the feeling of still not having figured shit out—are overwhelming.

Number 6 – The Man Who Wasn’t There (2001)

At one point I claimed this was my favorite Coen brothers film, and I still think it’s the most beautiful; the black and white compositions throughout and the faces of the actors, who are all just pretty incredible. It is James M. Cain-level noir of such bleakness that the beauty is necessary just to make it bearable. The set-up, for me, is irresistible; the post-WWII era of promise and confusion; the main character, Ed, played by Billy Bob Thornton, is a barber who almost never speaks, yet the whole movie is narrated by his voice-over—so essentially he never shuts up. He is not unhappy, yet not happy, but too passive to ever make changes, and then when he does finally put a plan into action the consequences are so dire and epic as to destroy the lives of nearly everyone in the movie. There is also a second story about Ed’s infatuation with an adolescent girl pianist that is almost too heartbreaking to contain itself. It ends up being kind of an unwieldy movie, not tight enough for classic film-noir, but for me, more exciting because of its possibilities than what is ultimately on screen. I wish there could be ten movies here, each one taking on a different variation of what might have happened; I suppose I just relate to this Ed character, to a fault. What finally happens is that the story (as are the lives and fates of Ed and his wife, Doris, played by Frances McDormand) is hijacked by the best portrayal (Tony Shalhoub) of a fast-talking, slime-ball lawyer I’ve ever seen (who in one scene, with classic lawyer hubris, hilariously missuses a pop-culture misunderstanding of the Uncertainty Principal as his line of defense) reducing Ed and Doris to spectators in their own demise. In the end, the lawyer burps, wipes his mouth, and then cashes his check while Ed and Doris become forgotten specs of dust.

Number 5 – Barton Fink (1991)

According to the Coen brothers, they wrote the script for Barton Fink while suffering with writer’s block while working on Miller’s Crossing. I don’t know if that is true, but it’s a good story, so I’ll go with it, and for that reason, I see this film, which is their most surreal, also as their most personal—at least in that it’s their only story about a writer. I think I like it so much because I relate to it in an odd way—not any of the specifics, really, but the solitary figure thrust into a world he finds both exotic and alienating, suffering with anxiety and writer’s block. The character of Barton Fink (John Turturro) is a pompous, self-important ass, who all writers will recognize in themselves (or should), who does realize he should listen more, but can’t help but to pontificate, given even the smallest audience. Also, despite horrific, nightmarish events throughout, I find the movie (in much the way, apparently, fans of Fargo do, that I don’t) incredibly funny. For me, it all looks pretty attractive, or at least has a kind of nostalgic appeal; the crazy hotel and desk clerk, the kind but terrifying neighbor, the meetings with movie studio psychopath-level bosses, and meeting the alcoholic writer, and even the silent typewriter and dripping wallpaper. I especially love Judy Davis’s character who represents so many things—the muse, wisdom, the inside track, the editor, the collaborator, nurse, mother, best friend, (brother, even?), desire, sex, love, redemption—all at once—who is almost immediately taken away from him (along with the haunting possibility that he was directly responsible). It’s at that point that the story turns back on itself, and ultimately then, I see this as a story—the story (it could be a play, a screenplay, novel or short story) that a writer—for whom Barton Fink becomes the character—wrote about his disastrous and hilarious attempt—the good, the bad, and the nightmarish of it—to go out to Hollywood and be a writer for the pictures.

Number 4 – Miller’s Crossing (1990)

The violence in this very violent movie is so cartoonish you can almost see the cartoon font “Rat-a-tat” emitting from the Tommy guns—except in the scenes involving the protagonist, Tom Reagan—and this is an important point. I am not a huge fan of the gangster genre, so when I saw this at the theater, it became my favorite gangster movie ever and made me a Coen brothers fan from then on. The incredibly complex plot is almost impossible to put your head around the first time through; definitely rewards multiple viewings, and, for me anyway, gets even better over time. I won’t go into the period history, ethnicities, and sexual orientations—all very complex and important—but the crucial thing is the relationships between crime boss Leo, his girlfriend Verna, and her brother Bernie, Bernie’s boyfriend Mink, Mink’s boyfriend The Dane, and The Dane’s boss, Johnny Caspar, who is Leo’s rival. Tom (played by Gabriel Byrne) is Leo’s right-hand man, and he slides between all of these characters and their tangled web with an almost superhero intelligence and ability to see several steps ahead of everyone. What keeps it interesting is his weaknesses—he’s an alcoholic, gambling addict, possibly a self-destructive masochist, and is very, very human. In the crucial scenes in the woods at Miller’s Crossing, the entire point of this movie is that we identify with Tom, and I think, realize (or we should—the bulk of us in the audience)—that in spite of violent movies’ ability to put a video-game, endless-bullets-gun in our hands—if actually ever faced with a real situation, we wouldn’t be able to kill a man in cold blood, even to save ourselves. And then there is also the small matter of luck, a force no one wants to admit has a tremendous influence on our lives. As with all Coen movies, there are influences (Dashiell Hammett, The Glass Key) all over the place, but The Third Man (1949) is an especially major one here. The acting is all great, but John Turturro, as Bernie, is spectacular. The final question of the movie might be: Does Tom Reagan have a heart, or not? In my opinion, he’s the only one in the movie with a heart. Though maybe Leo does, too, and Verna—and Tom’s is broken—right there for us to see, in that final, last shot.

Number 3 – A Serious Man (2009)

It’s interesting that the Coen brothers have set their films in almost every decade since 1920—except one—the 1970s—but this one, set in 1967, is the one most about that sudden explosion of cultural change that must have been as scary as it was wonderful. I was just young enough that it all seemed kind of normal to me (much like Danny Gopnik, in this movie) and having grown up in a similar, white, middle-class, Midwestern neighborhood (though with much less Jewish influence), this is their movie I might relate to most. On first viewing, I found it disorienting to the point of unpleasantness, and the second time, I found it horrific, right up to the apocalyptic conclusion, which I took literally (and you don’t necessarily have to). On each viewing since, I have found it increasingly hilarious, and by now, for me, it’s one of their funniest movies. If you want to, you can try to figure out how the Yiddish folktale prologue, the Book of Job, the Mentaculus, Schrödinger’s Cat paradox, and Jefferson Airplane’s “Somebody to Love” fit together—or you can just let it all rattle around in your brain the way the changing world must have for adults in the late 1960s. The movie is essentially a series of meetings with Larry Gopnik (Michael Stuhlbarg)  (or occasionally, his son, Danny) with not very helpful individuals—Mrs. Gopnik and her lover, Sy Ableman (who is incredibly, amazingly hilarious), a doctor, colleague on the tenure committee, a disgruntled student, the student’s father, the aggressive racist neighbor, the police, a lawyer, three rabbis, a representative from the Columbia Record Club, and on and on. The news goes from bad to merely not very helpful, with the exception of the lonely housewife neighbor, Mrs. Samsky, whose liaison with Larry ends with an annoying interruption. She’s kind of mysterious—most likely very normal, but trying out the plastic beads, mood lighting, and marijuana, and why not. At the end of the movie, you can close your eyes and be enveloped in the dark cloud of future tragedy, or you can envision Mrs. Samsky, shrugging it all off, which is what I prefer to do.

Number 2 – The Big Lebowski (1998)

There are certain movies that for some reason become the holiday movies, the family get-together movies, the ones you watch once a year, like The Wizard of Oz or It’s a Wonderful Life (and for me, oddly, The Big Sleep (1946) and a couple of other film noir classics). The Big Lebowski also became that for me, and I’m not even sure when that happened, how, or why, but it definitely has taken on that quality—which means the whole is greater than the sum of its parts—so it becomes almost impossible to take a critical or objective view. It’s the Coen brothers movie that has spawned fan festivals, mini-religions—and leagues of people annoyed with hearing about it. You can find people discussing its themes ad nauseam, down to the most head-scratching minutiae, so I’m going to focus here on one point I haven’t heard discussed (though it no doubt has been, somewhere). The opening scene in which we are introduced to The Dude (Jeff Bridges), while buying half-and-half at Ralph’s, is an obvious reference to Robert Altman’s The Long Goodbye (1973), which is a more direct, though equally unconventional, take on Raymond Chandler, as well as a portrait of Los Angeles (the two films would make a great double feature, if anyone ever programs double features ever again). In that movie, Marlowe (Elliott Gould) has taken a trip to the grocery store to buy food for his cat, who then runs off and is gone for the rest of the movie (it’s one of my favorite opening scenes in any movie). In this movie, The Dude, who despite his mellow persona is often whiny and uptight, is buying the half-and half for himself (for White Russian cocktails). He then returns home to find his apartment broken into (which happens with alarming frequency, and he tolerates with a Zen-like/Marlowe-esque absence of fear) by thugs who have him confused with another Jeff Lebowski, then proceed to pee on his rug and thus fuel the movie’s plot. It wasn’t a cat who peed on his rug; indeed, The Dude has no cat, and at some point, I found myself asking why (along with why does he have no family, wife or girlfriend, or even friends—beyond his bowling buddies who he has very little in common with). Then it occurred to me—the reason for my odd, almost fanatical admiration for this character, in spite of his many imperfect, almost reprehensible qualities—The Dude is a cat. His final, famous line, “The Dude abides,” (a word parroted, like about half his dialogue, from other characters; “I will not abide another toe!”) could be the very definition of the quality and essence of what we love (if you’re a cat lover) about the domestic house cat—along with, of course, the seemingly contradictory state of restless agitation.

Number 1 – Inside Llewyn Davis (2013)

A beautiful, heartbreaking movie inspired by (not about) Dave Van Ronk and the early 1960s NYC folk music scene, it’s also a mystery, a puzzle, and an intense portrait of this Llewyn Davis (Oscar Isaac). If you’re like me and into the whole “trying to figure it out” thing, watch it closely (or again), then search out all the crazy theories people have, and watch it again. There is no absolute answer, but for me, the resonances are highly personal and will perhaps change as I change. The movie starts with its final scene, then goes back a week or so (the timeline begins with a dissolve to the very important orange cat) and shows the events leading up to this final scene, which is then repeated, with slight variations (not unlike a folk song itself, the way lines are repeated with slight changes, or in different context). The trick here is they don’t let you know they’re going back in time until you get back to that final scene at the Gaslight Cafe (an actual folk club, but significant in name here; the disorienting effect is akin to gas-lighting the viewer). You get that “Groundhog Day” feeling of looping repetition, and the crucial change (besides now knowing what we know about Llewyn) the second time around is noticing the presence of, taking the stage after Llewyn, Bob Dylan. As Llewyn briefly glances toward the stage, we can’t help but think about that famous scene in Don’t Look Back (1967)—that look on Donovan’s face as Dylan plays “It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue.”

Aside from the music, the heart of the story is the relationship between Llewyn, his ex-singing partner, Mike, and the woman who Llewyn arranged an abortion for two years earlier (he discovers that she decided to keep the baby and go back home to Akron, Ohio). There is a connection to that name, Akron (meaning “highest point”) and the significant detail that Mike killed himself by jumping off the George Washington Bridge (in Washington Heights, named for its high elevation), and that Llewyn likely has impregnated his friend, Jean (wife of his friend Jim). These clues lead to the distinct possibility that the Akron woman had been Mike’s girlfriend, and her baby is Llewyn’s. The possibility that Llewyn was therefore directly implicated in his partner’s suicide is almost unbearably dark. His protecting the orange cat, then, can be seen as a kind of transference, subconsciously trying to make things right. Before arriving in Chicago for what he hopes will be a new start, he abandons the cat, and after his failed audition, Bud Grossman recommends he get back together with his partner. He then hits a (similar, orange) creature with the car on his way back to New York, just having passed the exit for Akron. It’s not the feel-good movie of the holiday season. By the end of the film, we realize that the most we can hope for is that some of this darkness and pain can be channeled into art. As far as life goes—as it goes for most of us—Llewyn is going to keep getting the shit kicked out of him.

FIN

List of Sparkling Water Flavors We’d Like to See

Yes, that title is a MAD Magazine reference, but I’m serious about wanting to find these flavors of sparkling waters (and they could be un-sparkling, but I’m insisting on no sugar, no fruit juice, and no artificial sweeteners).

This is a list that originally went on my Water page, on this website, but the list here is meant be ongoing and changing—when I find one of these, I’ll indicate it here—and also, when I review it. And, when I think of more, I’ll add them here.

I realize some of these flavors exist in combination with other flavors, or in more elaborate versions—but I’m looking for the straight versions. Or… maybe if I find some particularly inspired versions, I’ll acknowledge them here. Also, when I say “find” I mean find in the physical world, and thus sample—I’m not counting what I find on the ol’ weird world web.

Last Updated On: 5.13.25

A&W Draft Root Beer

Açai

Acorn

Aether

Anise

Apple

Bagaceira

Banana

Bay Rum

Birthday Cake

Blackcurrant

Black Walnut Taffy

Blue Moon

Bourbon

Boysenberry

Breadfruit

Bubblegum

Buttermilk

Butterscotch

Campari

Campfire

Cantaloupe

Cap’n Crunch

Celery

Chamomile

Chocolate

Choward’s Violet

Circus Peanuts

Citron

Coca-Cola

Coffee

Coriander

Cream Soda

Cucumber

Dandelion

Date

Dr. Pepper

Durian

Earl Grey

Elderberry

Ether

Fennel

Fig

Fisherman’s Friend

Garlic

Happy Days Mint

Hires Root Beer

Honey

Honeydew

Huckleberry

Iris

Irish Whiskey

Jack Daniel’s Old No. 7

Jicama

Kumquat

Licorice

Lilac Vegetal

Lobster Bisque

Locker Room

Loganberry

Lychee

Manhattan

Marshmallow

Martini

Mixed Fruit

Mr. PiBB

Mulberry

Muscatel

Muskmelon

Neapolitan

Nectarine

Night Train

Ocarina

Papaya

Pawpaw

Peanut Brittle

Peanut Butter

Peeps

Peppermint

Plantain

Pomelo

Prune

Pumpkin Pie

Pussywillow

Quince

Raisin

Rambutan

Red Velvet Cake

Sarsaparilla

Sassafras

Schnapps

Sloe Gin

Spearmint

Sriracha

Star Fruit

Sweet Potato

TaB

Tangelo

Thunderbird

Tokay

Triple Peach

Turmeric

Tutti Frutti

Ugli Fruit

Vanilla Custard

Vernors Ginger Ale

White Chocolate

Wint-O-Green

X-Factor

Yuzu

Zab’s Datil Pepper Hot Sauce

200 Pop Songs That Made Me Cry

My (very personal) list of 200 favorite pop vocal recorded performances (as estimated on 31 December 2024) …that I’m still, to this day, not sick of!

Admittedly, I started this list two years ago, as a compendium to a list of “Favorite Albums” (that was the catalyst for several people to stop speaking to me, or so I imagined), but I soon became paralyzed by the idea, because the more songs I put on the list, the more it made clear to me just how, both, limited my “taste” was… and limitless the sheer number of songs one could choose from. That is to say, it’s a misguided, foolish, and insane (not that that matters) task.

SO, I quickly abandoned it—only to pick it up again a couple of days ago (due to end-of-year desperation?) but decided to limit the scope to: Pop Vocals “that made me cry”—not because they’re sad (though some of them are), but because they are beautiful and one of kind. And… leaving out: instrumental jazz, show tunes, blues, folk, R&B for the most part, hip hop, bluegrass, etc.… and the 99.999 plus percent of music that I’m ignorant about. But I’ve included bubblegum, punk, and country (three sides of the same coin). I realize it’s pretty light on the last 50 years, and even lighter on anything before I was born (1960). At any rate, not even attempting to be relevant, or reflective of what’s “great” or “important”—this is just a “winging it,” off the top of my head (I know in a week or so I’ll realize I forgot my second-fav-all-time song!) of what’s been delighting me (to the point of tears) these last few years—and leaving out, entirely unfairly, stuff I’m sick of, for whatever reason (could just be that I heard it too much ).

I sometimes get suckered into those mainstream online media clickbait “Greatest Songs” lists, which usually seem like a combination of some enormous editorial consensus coupled with a few odd choices afforded the poor bastards doing the work. (Or else, these days, entirely AI generated.) For the most part, those lists make me feel like I hate music—just due to the prevalence of songs that I wish I never had to hear again in my life. So, I thought I’d make my own list, which reflects who I am, song-wise (a sentimental white man who was a teenager in 1973, with a weakness for nostalgia but an attraction to eccentricity)—but as “lists” go, this might be the most ridiculous, as it’s likely anyone else making a similar list will not have a single similar crossover entry as mine—which means… no common ground. But that’s also what makes it, for me, fun—the extreme subjectivity. Please see it as a way to celebrate people’s differences, and don’t get angry about “obvious” exclusions (or inclusions) and possibly skip by the songs here that you feel similarly about, and hopefully get reminded of some music you’ve liked but have forgotten about, and if you happen to see a song you’re not familiar with, if it’s possible to find somewhere, give an open-minded listen and maybe discover something to love.

As far as the order—yes, they’re “in order”—just because that’s even more ridiculous, still.

—Randy Russell 12.31.24

200 Anywhere I Lay My Head – Tom Waits – Rain Dogs (1985)

199 Love Hurts – Roy Orbison – Crying (1962)

198 I’m Your Man – Leonard Cohen – I’m Your Man (1988)

197 Perfect Day – Lou Reed – Transformer (1972)

196 Jack and Jill – Tommy Roe – single (1969)

195 Security Joan – Donald Fagen – Morph the Cat (2006)

194 Your Mind Is on Vacation – Mose Allison – I Don’t Worry About a Thing (1962)

193 Bodies – Sex Pistols – Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols (1977)

192 She’s Making Friends, I’m Turning Stranger – Purple Mountains – Purple Mountains (2019)

191 Baby Baby – The Vibrators – single (1977)

190 Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen – A Night at the Opera (1975)

189 Little Hitler – Nick Lowe – Jesus of Cool (1978)

188 Changes – David Bowie – Hunky Dory (1971)

187 Jealous Again – Black Flag – Jealous Again (EP) (1980)

186 Memories – Leonard Cohen – Death of a Ladies’ Man (1977)

185 Angels Don’t Fly – George Jones – Along Came Jones (1991)

184 Downtown – Petula Clark – single (1964)

183 From an Airplane – Iris Dement – The Trackless Woods (2015)

182 Sultans of Swing - Dire Straits – Dire Straits (1978)

181 Melody Hill – The Archies – single B-side (1969)

180 Alison – Elvis Costello – single (1977)

179 Crying – Roy Orbison – Crying (1962)

178 Nobody’s Fault but Mine – Led Zeppelin – Presence (1976)

177 Cocksucking Blonde – Stephen Yerkey – Confidence, Man (1994)

176 Neat Neat Neat – The Damned – single (1967)

175 Any Major Dude Will Tell You – Steely Dan – Pretzel Logic (1974)

174 Fade into You – Mazzy Star – So Tonight That I Might See (1993)

173 Little Fat Baby – Sparklehorse – It’s a Wonderful Life (2001)

172 Older Guys – The Flying Burrito Brothers – Burrito Deluxe (1970)

171 Dog Food – Iggy Pop – Soldier (1980)

170 Deanna – Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds – Tender Prey (1988)

169 Glisan Street – Richmond Fontaine – Winnemucca (2002)

168 Without You – Harry Nilsson – Nilsson Schmilsson (1971)

167 Duty – Nils Lofgren – Nils Lofgren (1975)

166 Grasshopper – The Mamas & the Papas – People Like Us (1971)

165 Strawberry Fields Forever – The Beatles – single (1967)

164 Alright, Yeah – Robyn Hitchcock – Moss Elixir (1996)

163 Heaven – Talking Heads – Fear of Music (1979)

162 Caligari’s Mirror – Pere Ubu – Dub Housing (1978)

161 Big Wheels – Electric Light Orchestra – Out of the Blue (1977)

160 Bird of Paradise – Michael Franks – Abandoned Garden (1995)

159 Lost in Space – Luna – Penthouse (1995)

158 Donna – David Johansen – David Johansen (1978)

157 Suspicious Minds – Elvis Presley – single (1969)

156 Rock & Roll Doctor – Little Feat – Feats Don’t Fail Me Now (1974)

155 4th of July, Asbury Park (Sandy) – Bruce Springsteen – The Wild, the Innocent & the E Street Shuffle (1973)

154 Idiot Wind – Bob Dylan – Blood on the Tracks (1975)

153 I’ll Never Get Out of This World Alive – Hank Williams – single (1952)

152 Birth to Death – Tulip Sweet and Her Trail of Tears – Cry (2002)

151 Good Vibrations – The Beach Boys – single (1966)

150 King of Hearts – Lucinda Williams – Happy Woman Blues (1980)

149 Wish You Were Here – Pink Floyd – Wish You Were Here (1975)

148 Lawrence of Euphoria – Alexander “Skip” Spence – Oar (1969)

147 Stranger in a Strange Land – Leon Russell – Leon Russell and the Shelter People (1971)

146 The Moon – Cat Power – The Greatest (2006)

145 Brown Sugar – The Rolling Stones – Sticky Fingers (1971)

144 Rose Parade – Elliott Smith – Either/Or (1997)

143 September Gurls – Big Star – Radio City (1974)

142 Up the Junction – Squeeze – Cool for Cats (1979)

141 King Midas in Reverse – The Hollies – single (1967)

140 The Caves of Altamira – Steely Dan – The Royal Scam (1976)

139 The Grand Tour – George Jones – The Grand Tour (1974)

138 Earthquake – Leona Naess – Comatised (2000)

137 Cyclotron – Electric Eels – single (B-side) (1978)

136 Love Letter – Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds – No More Shall We Part (2001)

135 By the Time I Get to Phoenix – Isaac Hayes – Hot Buttered Soul (1969)

134 I Can’t Stay Mad at You – Skeeter Davis – Let Me Get Close to You (1964)

133 In the Neighborhood – Tom Waits – Swordfishtrombones (1983)

132 Nevertheless – Brian Jonestown Massacre – Bravery Repetition and Noise (2001)

131 Purple Haze – The Jimi Hendrix Experience – single (1967)

130 Pink Moon – Nick Drake – Pink Moon (1972)

129 What Comes After Certainty – Bill Callahan – Shepherd in a Sheepskin Vest (2019)

128 37 – Devo – Hardcore Devo Volume 2 (1991)

127 Mama Told Me (Not to Come) – Three Dog Night – It Ain’t Easy (1970)

126 I’m Comin’ Home – Richard Harris – Slides (1972)

125 Lay Lady Lay – Bob Dylan – Nashville Skyline (1969)

124 Deacon Blues – Steely Dan – Aja (1977)

123 Personality Crisis – New York Dolls – New York Dolls (1973)

122 I Can’t Explain – The Who – single (1964)

121 Blue Arrangements – Silver Jews – American Water (1998)

120 Hospital – The Modern Lovers – The Modern Lovers (1976)

119 He’s Everywhere - Sammi Smith – Help Me Make It Through the Night (1970)

118 Rock ’n’ Roll with Me – David Bowie – Diamond Dogs (1974)

117 Build Me Up Buttercup – The Foundations – Build Me Up Buttercup (1968)

116 We Can Talk – The Band – Music from Big Pink (1968)

115 Avant Gardener – Courtney Barnett – single (2013)

114 How Can You Mend a Broken Heart – Al Green – Let’s Stay Together (1972)

113 Spooky – Classics IV – Spooky (1968)

112 Barstool Blues – Neil Young and Crazy Horse – Zuma (1975)

111 Inner City Blues (Make Me Wanna Holler) – Marvin Gaye – What’s Going On (1971)

110 Goo Goo Muck – The Cramps – Psychedelic Jungle (1981)

109 It’s Too Late – Carole King – Tapestry (1971)

108 Playboys – Mono – Formica Blues (1997)

107 Sad Song - Lou Reed – Berlin (1973)

106 Memorabilia – Donald Fagen – Sunken Condos (2012)

105 Sexy MF – Prince & the New Power Generation – Love Symbol (1992)

104 Ballad of Big Nothing – Elliott Smith – Either/Or (1997)

103 Smooth Operator – Sade – Diamond Life (1984)

102 Itinerant Child – Ian Dury & the Blockheads – Mr. Love Pants (1998)

101 Members Only – Sheryl Crow – The Globe Sessions (1998)

100 Now Love Has No End – Michael Franks (with Valerie Simpson) – Barefoot on the Beach (1999)

99 I Wanna Be Your Dog – The Stooges – The Stooges (1969)

98 Ocean (Outtake) – Velvet Underground – Loaded (1970/1997)

97 Sometimes Like a River (Loving You) – Joy of Cooking – Closer to the Ground (1971)

96 You Can’t Put Your Arms Around a Memory – Johnny Thunders – So Alone (1978)

95 Superstar – The Carpenters – single (1971)

94 Public Animal #9 – Alice Cooper – School’s Out (1972)

93 Space Oddity – David Bowie – single (1969)

92 Tiny Dancer – Elton John – Madman Across the Water (1971)

91 Animal Speaks – 15-60-75 – Jimmy Bell’s Still in Town (1976)

90 Walk On By – Isaac Hayes – Hot Buttered Soul (1969)

89 Trojan Curfew – Stephen Malkmus – Stephen Malkmus (2001)

88 $1000 Wedding – Gram Parsons – Grievous Angel (1974)

87 Going Going Gone – Richard Hell and the Voidoids – Destiny Street (1982)

86 Alone 4 Love – Tulip Sweet and Her Trail of Tears – Cry (2002)

85 The Mess Inside – The Mountain Goats – All Hail West Texas (2002)

84 Drunken Angel – Lucinda Williams – Car Wheels on a Gravel Road (1998)

83 Groove Me – King Floyd – single (1970)

82 Lola – The Kinks – Lola Versus Powerman and the Moneygoround, Part One (1970)

81 Sunday Mornin’ Comin’ Down – Kris Kristofferson – Kristofferson (1970)

80 Sam Stone – John Prine – John Prine (1971)

79 Stay with Me – Faces – single (1971)

78 12 Varieties of Worms – Frank Kogan – Stars Vomit Coffee Shop (1986)

77 Let It Be Me – Bob Dylan – Self Portrait (1970)

76 She’s Got You – Patsy Cline – single (1962)

75 Digging Song – Cate Le Bon – Me Oh My (2009)

74 Make Me Smile – Chicago – single (1970)

73 Loving Cup – Rolling Stones – Exile on Main St. (1972)

72 Time Has Come Today – The Chambers Brothers – The Time Has Come (1967)

71 Cold, Cold Heart – Hank Williams with His Drifting Cowboys – single (1951)

70 Albuquerque – Neil Young – Tonight’s the Night (1975)

69 Alice – Mott the Hoople – The Hoople (1974)

68 Sideshow by the Seashore – Luna – Penthouse (1995)

67 One of Us Cannot Be Wrong – Leonard Cohen – Songs of Leonard Cohen (1968)

66 Hope – Arlo Parks – Collapsed in Sunbeams (2021)

65 I Don’t Believe in Anything at All – Cruel, Cruel Moon – Still Life (1996)

64 Glass Onion – The Beatles – The Beatles (1968)

63 Requiem – Richard Harris – My Boy (1971)

62 Can’t Get It Out of My Head – Electric Light Orchestra – Eldorado (1974)

61 A Wedding in Cherokee County – Randy Newman – Good Old Boys (1974)

60 Half a Person – The Smiths – single B-side (1987)

59 Holland Tunnel – John Phillips – John, The Wolf King of L.A. (1970)

58 Misty Mountain Hop – Led Zeppelin – Led Zeppelin IV (1971)

57 Rose Darling – Steely Dan – Katy Lied (1975)

56 It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue – Marianne Faithfull – Rich Kid Blues (1985)

55 To Love Somebody – Bee Gees – Bee Gees’ 1st (1967)

54 Ivory Coast – Destroyer – Ken (2017)

53 Satellite of Love – Lou Reed – Transformer (1972)

52 Uncle Bob’s Corner – Michael Hurley – Hi Fi Snock Uptown (1972)

51 My Cherie Amour – Stevie Wonder – single (1969)

50 (I’m) Stranded – The Saints – single (1976)

49 Gratitude Walks – American Music Club – Mercury (1993)

48 Johnsburg, Illinois – Tom Waits – Swordfishtrombones (1983)

47 Pretty (Ugly Before) – Elliott Smith – From a Basement on the Hill (2004)

46 Never My Love – The Association – Insight Out (1967)

45 Source Decay – The Mountain Goats – All Hail West Texas (2002)

44 Spill the Wine – Eric Burdon and War – single (1970)

43 (Pa) Ubu Dance Party – Pere Ubu – Dub Housing (1978)

42 Temporarily Out of Order – Skeeter Davis & NRBQ – She Sings, They Play (1985)

41 We Can’t Help You – Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks – Real Emotional Trash (2008)

40 Gravity of the Situation – Vic Chesnutt – Is the Actor Happy? (1995)

39 Visions of Johanna – Bob Dylan – Blonde on Blonde (1966)

38 Chain of Fools – Aretha Franklin – single (1967)

37 Wichita Lineman – Glen Campbell – Wichita Lineman (1968)

36 Diamond Dogs – David Bowie – Diamond Dogs (1974)

35 Bennie and the Jets – Elton John – Goodbye Yellow Brick Road (1973)

34 I Won’t Last a Day Without You – The Carpenters – A Song for You (1972)

33 Ode to the Exhausted – The Places – The Autopilot Knows You Best (2000)

32 Sara Smile – Hall & Oates – Daryl Hall & John Oates (1975)

31 Colors and the Kids – Cat Power – Moon Pix (1998)

30 The Lady Wants to Know – Michael Franks – Sleeping Gypsy (1977)

29 One Hundred Years from Now – The Byrds – Sweetheart of the Rodeo (1968)

28 Bessie Smith – Bob Dylan and the Band – The Basement Tapes (1975)

27 Take It or Leave It – Keith Stewart Band – Epic Hits (2001)

26 Stoney End – Laura Nyro – More Than a New Discovery (1967)

25 He Stopped Loving Her Today – George Jones – I Am What I Am (1980)

24 She Ain’t Right for You – Macy Gray – The Trouble with Being Myself (2003)

23 Angel from Montgomery – John Prine – John Prine (1971)

22 Sunny – Bobby Hebb – single (1966)

21 To Sir with Love – Lou Miami and the Kozmetix – single B-side (1982)

20 Serpent at the Gates of Wisdom – Robyn Hitchcock and the Egyptians – Respect (1993)

19 Tumbling Dice – The Rolling Stones – Exile on Main St. (1972)

18 Big Louise – Scott Walker – Scott 3 (1969)

17 It Makes No Difference – The Band – Northern Lights - Southern Cross (1975)

16 Black Cow – Steely Dan – Aja (1977)

15 MacArthur Park – Richard Harris – A Tramp Shining (1968)

14 Somebody Groovy – The Mamas & The Papas – If You Can Believe Your Eyes and Ears (1966)

13 Dizzy – Tommy Roe – single (1968)

12 I’ve Got to Have You – Sammi Smith – Something Old, Something New, Something Blue (1972)

11 In Dreams – Roy Orbison – In Dreams (1963)

10 Mariners Apartment Complex – Lana Del Rey – Norman Fucking Rockwell! (2019)

9 Cupid – Otis Redding – Remember Me (1992)

8 Some Velvet Morning – Nancy Sinatra and Lee Hazlewood – Nancy & Lee (1968)

7 Goodmorning Boyfriend – Tulip Sweet and Her Trail of Tears – Cry (2002)

6 Dancing Queen – ABBA – Arrival (1976)

5 Slow Education – Silver Jews – Bright Flight (2001)

4 Agitated – Electric Eels – single (1978)

3 Be My Baby – The Ronettes – single (1963)

2 Cupid Come – My Bloody Valentine – Isn’t Anything (1988)

1 Oh Bondage Up Yours! – X-Ray Spex – single (1977)

100 Pop Albums That Still Warm My Heart!

One day I saw another of those “Greatest Albums” lists—and it depressed me—so I decided to make my own, very personal, list—and (after pulling out the rest of my hair) it made me happy. I made a few rules: no jazz (or else it would be all jazz), one record per artist (though a couple snuck in), and no compilations (again, a few exceptions). These are albums that meant a lot to me (though, in some cases, admittedly, live shows have influenced me), and a lot of this is obviously based in nostalgia. It’s all music that I can, and do, still listen to—and I relistened to all of these—and rediscovered my love for some of them. That was the point.

100 The Who – Quadrophenia (1973)

99 The Archies – Everything’s Archie (1969)

98 Nick Drake – Pink Moon (1972)

97 Queen – Sheer Heart Attack (1974)

96 Pink Floyd – The Dark Side of the Moon (1973)

95 Black Randy and the Metrosquad – Pass the Dust, I Think I’m Bowie (1979)

94 Tommy Roe – 12 in a Roe (1969)

93 Dory Previn – Mary C. Brown and the Hollywood Sign (1972)

92 Electric Light Orchestra – Eldorado (1974)

91 Bruce Springsteen – The Wild, the Innocent & the E Street Shuffle (1973)

90 Rod Stewart – Every Picture Tells a Story (1971)

89 Public Image Ltd – Public Image: First Issue (1978)

88 Led Zeppelin – Led Zeppelin IV (1971)

87 Devo – Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo! (1978)

86 Lee Ranaldo – From Here to Infinity (1987)

85 David Johansen – David Johansen (1978)

84 Isaac Hayes – Hot Buttered Soul (1969)

83 Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds – Tender Prey (1988)

82 Mono – Formica Blues (1997)

81 Dead Boys – Young, Loud and Snotty (1977)

80 Mark Eitzel – Caught in a Trap and I Can’t Back Out ’Cause I Love You Too Much, Baby (1998)

79 The Mountain Goats – All Hail West Texas (2002)

78 The Beatles – The Beatles (White Album) (1968)

77 Lucinda Williams – Car Wheels on a Gravel Road (1998)

76 Elvis Costello – This Year’s Model (1978)

75 Barry White – Stone Gon’ (1973)

74 Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band – Trout Mask Replica (1969)

73 Destroyer – Ken (2017)

72 Chicago – Chicago IX: Chicago’s Greatest Hits (1975)

71 Sex Pistols – Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols (1977)

70 The Gun Club – Fire of Love (1981)

69 The Magnetic Fields – 69 Love Songs (1999)

68 Elliott Smith – Either/Or (1997)

67 Prince – 1999 (1982)

66 Rolling Stones – Exile on Main St. (1972)

65 Randy Newman – Sail Away (1972)

64 New York Dolls – New York Dolls (1973)

63 George Jones – I Am What I Am (1980)

62 Wu-Tang Clan – Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) (1993)

61 Pussy Galore – Exile on Main St. (1986)

60 John Prine – John Prine (1971)

59 Sly & The Family Stone – Greatest Hits (1970)

58 My Bloody Valentine – Loveless (1991)

57 Fuzzhead – I Saw the Best Minds of My Generation Rock (1996)

56 John Phillips – John, the Wolf King of L.A. (1970)

55 Lana Del Rey – Norman Fucking Rockwell! (2019)

54 Half Japanese – Sing No Evil (1985)

53 The Jimi Hendrix Experience – Are You Experienced (1967)

52 The B-52’s – The B-52’s (1979)

51 15-60-75 – Jimmy Bell’s Still in Town (1976)

50 Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings – Naturally (2005)

49 Contortions/Teenage Jesus and the Jerks/Mars/DNA – No New York (1978)

48 Talking Heads – Fear of Music (1979)

47 The Mamas & the Papas – If You Can Believe Your Eyes and Ears (1966)

46 Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks – Mirror Traffic (2011)

45 Alice Cooper – School’s Out (1972)

44 The Kinks – Lola Versus Powerman and the Moneygoround, Part One (1970)

43 Tammy Wynette – Bedtime Story (1972)

42 American Music Club – Mercury (1993)

41 Cruel, Cruel Moon – Still Life (1996)

40 Donald Fagen – Morph the Cat (2006)

39 Richard Hell and the Voidoids – Blank Generation (1977)

38 The Sugarman 3 – Sweet Spot (2001)

37 Ian Dury – New Boots and Panties!! (1977)

36 Scott Walker – Scott 3 (1969)

35 Cat Power – Moon Pix (1998)

34 Joy Division – Closer (1980)

33 Public Enemy – It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back (1988)

32 The Stooges – Raw Power (1973)

31 Liz Phair – Exile in Guyville (1993)

30 The Modern Lovers – The Modern Lovers (1976)

29 The Velvet Underground – The Velvet Underground & Nico (1967)

28 Beastie Boys – Paul’s Boutique (1989)

27 Marvin Gaye – What’s Going On (1971)

26 Tom Waits – Swordfishtrombones (1983)

25 Michael Franks – Time Together (2011)

24 Nancy Sinatra and Lee Hazlewood – Nancy & Lee (1968)

23 Television – Marquee Moon (1977)

22 Sammi Smith – Something Old, Something New, Something Blue (1972)

21 Magic Sam – Give Me Time (1991)

20 Frank Kogan – Stars Vomit Coffee Shop (1984)

19 Frank Sinatra – Watertown (1970)

18 Minutemen – Double Nickels on the Dime (1984)

17 Macy Gray – On How Life Is (1999)

16 Andrew Lloyd Webber & Tim Rice – Jesus Christ Superstar - A Rock Opera (1970)

15 Iggy Pop – New Values (1979)

14 Mott the Hoople – The Hoople (1974)

13 Skeeter Davis – What Does It Take (To Keep a Man Like You Satisfied) (1967)

12 J Dilla – Donuts (2006)

11 Elton John – Goodbye Yellow Brick Road (1973)

10 Neil Young – Tonight’s the Night (1975)

9 Silver Jews – Bright Flight (2001)

8 The Cramps – Psychedelic Jungle (1981)

7 Tulip Sweet and Her Trail of Tears – Cry (2002)

6 Steely Dan – Countdown to Ecstasy (1973)

5 Richard Harris – The Yard Went on Forever (1968)

4 Bob Dylan & The Band – The Basement Tapes (1975)

3 Lou Reed – Berlin (1973)

2 David Bowie – Diamond Dogs (1974)

1 Pere Ubu – Dub Housing (1978)

Randy Russell 12.24.22

Revised List of James Bond Movies (Ranked from Best to Worst)

*Pretty much the same as my 2021 ranking, except with No Time to Die added in.

Number 1: On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969) In one of the oddest contradictions of the franchise, they lost their secret weapon (Sean Connery) and should have been considered toast—yet came up with the best James Bond movie to date (despite the goofy title). George Lazenby isn’t bad (in fact, he’s really good), it’s just that after four movies with Sean Connery, it’s like your mom comes home one day and says, “Kids, meet your new dad, Mr. Kruhulik, the janitor.” Watching it now, I have this complex memory/feeling—how exciting it was to me, seeing this in the theater for the first time, when I was nine years old. I wonder if most people’s favorite 007 movie is the one that they first saw at that age? Are these movies optimized for the nine-year-old mind? Likely. This movie has some of the most watchable action (skiing) of any of them, and one of the best villain hideouts—the House on the Rock-like Alpine outpost. Also, maybe the most compelling woman character—even though she disappears for half the movie—played by Diana Rigg. It’s also got one of the all-time bummer endings in the history of action movies.

Number 2: Goldfinger (1964) This must have been one of the first things I put on my list of “Awesome Shit” once I started making culture lists (albeit mental) at age four. It’s got among the best title graphics and song (sung by Shirley Bassey). As much of a mess as it is, if you were able to save only one, it’d be this—it’s probably the weirdest and most memorable. The woman killed by gold paint, then her sister killed by Oddjob’s bowler hat (I was probably not the only one to wonder about the third Masterson sister). The best gadgets of any of the movies are in the coolest of his cars, that Aston Martin—which Bond almost immediately totals. Then it gets messy. There are theories (mostly mine) that everything after “No, Mr. Bond. I want you to die!” is a dream. That comes at exactly the half-way point in the movie. It’s the dream he has right before he dies. He “wakes up”—looking at the blurry face of Pussy Galore. From then on, it’s pure comic book, no basis in reality. Hanging out, sipping mint julips, Goldfinger’s meeting with the stereotypical gangsters, including the one who has a “pressing engagement” with a car recycler. And especially, how the entire plot turns on Bond raping Pussy in the hayloft—after which she’s both MI6 and heterosexual. In spite of all that, the pleasure of hearing Sean Connery pronounce the name “Pussy” is undeniable. And the villain electrocutions that bookend the action are pretty sweet. And last, but most emotionally scarring, the postscript with Goldfinger getting sucked out of the airplane window—because that’s the first time I was aware of that kind of high-altitude danger—and just the fact that Goldfinger went through that little porthole that was ten times too small for his body.

Number 3: Dr. No (1962) They could have just stopped after this movie—but you can’t blame them for remaking it twenty-some times when us idiots keep watching. But everything you want in a 007 movie is here, except for the mini-movie before pop music title song. The introduction to Bond at the card table is one of the best—if there is an ultimate standard for looking cool while wearing a tux and lighting a cigarette, this is it. The character, “James Bond,” never looks better than in this movie—even Sean Connery’s eyebrows are scary. I really like the limited budget and simplicity of this one, yet it feels big. Felix Leiter is played by Jack Lord! Those sunglasses! Quarrel (John Kitzmiller), who the dragon flamethrower kills, sets the standard for emotionally manipulating us by killing the most likable character. And the funniest bit, of course, is that Bond hooks up with a woman who has pretty much no clothing and makes her living as a shell diver (Ursula Andress)—and just happens to be on Dr. No’s island. Of course they’re captured, and instead of being eliminated like every other intruder, they’re treated like guests of honor—after they are decontaminated for radiation—which was probably one of the more kinky movie scenes in 1962.

Number 4: You Only Live Twice (1967) Two-thirds of the way through the movie there is one of the more terrifying things I’ve seen in a Bond movie, and it’s almost silent. Bond is sleeping with his current girlfriend, a Japanese woman, who apparently has not been amply warned about him, and an assassin climbs in above the ceiling and lowers a string to Bond’s sleeping mouth and lets a slimy poison run down the string. Bond is only saved because he’s a restless sleeper—he moves, and the poison goes into her mouth—she stops breathing and dies. It’s 100 times scarier than someone getting shot—I guess because we’ve seen that 1000 times. Naturally, he’s barely phased—I’m surprised he didn’t have sex with her after she was dead and then make some quip. Bond going undercover as Japanese man is one of the more ridiculous bad ideas ever, from both a secret agent and a story perspective—but what’s weird, and oddly pleasing, is that in disguise he looks just like Marlon Brando! Also strange, there are at least three jokes about cigarettes being dangerous to your health—this must have been around that time. In spite of the usual problems, this is still one of my favorites—partly because everything looks great. The title song, sung by Nancy Sinatra, has some pretty convoluted lyrics, and is one of my favorites.

Number 5: From Russia with Love (1963) This is the first James Bond movie I had any memory of—watching it at a movie theater—but since it came out in 1963, when I was only three—I’m not sure they didn’t rerelease some of these movies in later years—because I’m not sure I would have such vivid movie memories at that age. Though I can’t really say for sure. I don’t remember! Is it possible that my memory of parts of this movie could count as my earliest memories? Pretty much every movie has him checking into a hotel room (usually several), and this is one of the best—also, one of the things that has made me obsessed with hotels. Of course, the room is almost always bugged, or has someone hiding in it. Highpoint is the train sequence. How much did this make me want to travel by train? Especially one with all that wood, and the connecting compartments and sliding doors, it’s so cool. And it’s like a full half-hour of the movie! Bond has to stop having sex with the Russian agent, eventually, because it’s teatime. Then he as dinner with the assassin, who is posing as an Englishman—and the way he’s talking—it’s one of the most ridiculous things ever—but somehow Bond doesn’t notice, and only catches on to him because he orders red wine with fish. Ha!

Number 6: The Man with the Golden Gun (1974) For a big budget franchise, this movie got a lot of milage out of cheapest makeup effect of all-time: the third nipple (of Scaramanga, the villain)—something you might buy from a 25-cent gag vending machine. I’m sure they spent more, but how impressive can a man’s nipple be? Then to make a big deal out of it—like, it means what? I guess since no one has seen him, that third nipple is the only way he can be identified, and it apparently occurs to no one that anyone with a Spencer Gifts in their mall can impersonate him. Equally as cheap is his famous golden gun. (I remember seeing it when it came out, thinking it must be some fantastic gun!—and what a letdown!) It’s like a gun a grade school kid might make out of stuff in the garage, a wood block, an old pipe, spray-painted gold. On the other hand, Christopher Lee, who plays, Scaramanga, is so suave, he exposes Bond for the cheap stooge he is. His henchman, played by Hervé Villechaize, is effective, diabolical, and very funny. The best henchmen (who are not always men) don’t have to be eight feet tall and walk thru walls. Also, they’ve got a funhouse built into their hideout, which is something I would do if I could. The big car chase stars the awesome AMC Hornet and AMC Matador—which is as much love as those cars ever got—at least until Frankie Latina filmed a car chase with a Matador and a Pacer. The early scenes are in Hong Kong, which looks great. And the MI6 field headquarters is hidden in the half-sunk Queen Mary in Hong Kong harbor, which is leaning over at a 45-degree angle, so the interior is all slanted like a villain hideout in the Batman TV show.

Number 7: Thunderball (1965) Opens with a coffin that says “JB”—a joke in keeping with my theory of the demise of Bond in Goldfinger. But it belongs to a bad guy, with the same initials, who is not dead—yet. The Tom Jones title song is great—especially if you don’t listen too closely to the lyrics. This is the Bond underwater movie, or the first one, anyway. The entire movie is underwater! Not really, but it feels like it, by the end. By far the best part of the movie is the first half-hour or so, when Bond is at a spa recuperating, which means, of course, it’s like a sex-vacation for him—but it also happens to be where SPECTRE’s latest, biggest scheme is being initiated—which is shown in great detail, and pretty cool, especially for a 5-year-old, when I first saw this at a theater. Also, Vargas (Philip Locke), the henchman who gets spear-gunned—if ever there was a character dying for a prequel, it’s Vargas!

Number 8: Live and Let Die (1973) The New York City and Harlem stuff is pretty good—it’s got a gritty Seventies movie feel. It was kind of inspired to try to meld Blaxploitation and British spy genres and see what happens. Problematic, but it has its moments—it makes fun of both—but of course it’s ultimately a James Bond movie. What wasn’t inspired was to mash-in the hillbilly car chase genre, as well. The movie survives that—just barely. Yaphet Kotto is great, over-the-top, multiple meltdowns—when he pulls off his “Mr. Big” makeup in a rage—ha! Also, the henchman with the crusher hand, Tee Hee (Julius W. Harris) is right up there. And this was the first time most of us saw Jane Seymour—there were a lot of 13-year-old boys with a crush on her. Her character’s psychic powers and are apparently real, which makes it absurd that Bond gets away with his frat-house-prank trick card deck, in order to seduce her. The gator farm is probably the best thing in the movie—it’s actually pretty gnarly, but Bond escaping by hopping across their backs is one of the most lame escapes I’ve ever seen. Maybe my favorite scene is the opening one, after the credits. I can’t remember if there is another Bond movie (besides maybe one of the recent ones) where we see his home… we get a good look here. It looks a lot like Banacek’s place (a TV show that came out at about the same time as this movie, that owes a bit to 007). His decorator is a bit stodgy, but I like how he’s got a couple of internal windows with venetian blinds, one leading to his kitchen. He makes M a cup of coffee—he’s got a grinder and some kind of espresso setup—this must have been one of the moments that got the early coffee nuts motivated. Another thing you notice is that there are three separate liquor setups, including one in the kitchen—and one by his TV! There may be another in the bedroom (likely), and for all we know, in the bathroom, as well—which we unfortunately don’t see.

Number 9: A View to a Kill (1985) A lot of this movie is just plain silly, but I like that Roger Moore is older, almost looks like he’s just barely getting by, and especially the scenes at the stables with him in disguise as “James St. John Smythe” (“Sin-Jin Smythe”)—really funny. Grace Jones is a great hench-person, because she’s Grace Jones—she looks great, and ultimately pulls Bond’s ass out of the fire. A lot of what’s written for the Zorin character wavers between bad-boss crankiness and flat-out psycho (laughing while machinegunning people), and for most actors it would be an annoying character. Christopher Walken, however, adds these subtleties that only he can pull off (it’s often hard to even figure out what he’s doing, and it’s rare to find subtlety in a James Bond movie), so the scenes with him just jump out of the movie—and you can watch them over and over. The way he says (to Grace Jones, in the speedboat): “So?” It’s hard to explain why that’s so good—you just have to appreciate it. Obviously, I’m a big fan of Walken. Also, he’s got a pretty awesome dirigible, with a funhouse exit. The title song, by Duran Duran, is one of the best, too.

Number 10: Casino Royale (2006) Le Chiffre is among the most pathetic of villains. Bond could have just FedExed him a pair of shoelaces and let him take care of himself. Most of us could not stand up to torture—just mention “dental tools” and I’m spilling the beans. But you know that getting his balls pounded on by a knotted rope isn’t going to make Bond give up the password (clue: it’s the name of his cat!), so that scene just put me off a little bit when I first saw it. I have, since, however, got the joke. (I’m a little slow, I guess.) You know, that the “torture” merely inspired Bond to achieve an erection. Ha! The odd thing is, I didn’t really come around to this movie until I saw Quantum of Solace, which is essentially the second half of this one. Now I like it, in spite of its depressive tone, overly long action bits, and top billing of a cellphone that was outdated before they finished editing. I love that the card game is like half the movie! And the part where Bond gets poisoned is my favorite action sequence in any action movie, ever. Not only is Vesper a multidimensional character, she remembered the part of her CPR class where they stress making sure the AED leads don’t get disconnected! If only Bond could have returned the favor—but he was no doubt jerking off during his lifesaving classes as a lad.

Number 11: Octopussy (1983) What’s James Bond’s favorite tree? Pussy Willow! If Joe Don Baker would have been cast in this movie, who would he have played? Bufford Pussy! Since Bond never seems to be at home, does he have a “Pussy Sitter?” You kind of want them to just go for it—name a movie Octopussy and then not spend unconvincing screen-time trying to make is seem like there’s a logical reason to do so. On paper, this movie should be unwatchable, yet it turns out to be one of my favorites, despite the usual dumb shit it has going against it. Maud Adams is compelling as the title character (anything you can do after getting saddled with that name is impressive). Louis Jourdan is a badass, and he makes the most of his not having to do much to be scary. The opening credits song, “All Time High,” sung by Rita Coolidge, is a good one. The best thing, though, is the circus connection—James Bond disguising himself as a clown—it’s one of my favorite-ever Bond twists. It even makes the obligatory nuclear device defusing worthy of a few countdown seconds of gnarly clown-sweat.

Number 12: Never Say Never Again (1983) Two Bond films from 1983 (because of this, “non-official” one) which I think caused a cosmic break in popular culture which we’ve never recovered from. Since this one can’t use the title sequence or Bond music, yet starred Sean Connery, and is a remake of Thunderball—it makes you feel a bit like you’re on drugs in a parallel universe. The director is Irvin Kershner, who made A Fine Madness (1966), one of finest nutjob flicks (Sean Connery as an asshole poet) I’m embarrassed to be a fan of. This isn’t quite that madcap, and with its sleazy, soft-porn style and aging Bond, this should be an utter disaster—yet it’s surprisingly watchable, helped along by Kim Basinger, who is Kim Basinger, and Klaus Maria Brandauer as the villain—this was around the time when he was in every movie. You might have to be older to remember that. He is really good, one of the great slime-villains. If the sweater tied around the neck style ever comes back, here’s your man!

Number 13: Diamonds Are Forever (1971) The title song, sung by Shirley Bassey, is top-five. By any standards a weird movie, it feels like five or six parallel stories with tenuous connections. Almost in the forefront is the hitman team, Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd—I believe when I saw this in the theater, I thought they were Steely Dan—and the one guy is a bass player (the other is Bruce Glover)—they have so much screen-time, you’re wondering of you accidentally walked into a really offensive Bond villain spin-off. It is awesome, at least, when the dude catches on fire with the flaming shish kabobs. Then there’s Jill St. John—same thing—it’s like they intercut the Tiffany Case sit-com with a Bond movie. Rather than evoke Howard Hughes, it would have been better if Jimmy Dean had just played the sausage king version of Jimmy Dean. And poor, poor Plenty O’Toole. The fight in the slow elevator is one of the funniest 007 fights, but I’m afraid most of the comedy isn’t up to that moment, and this movie is kind of the turning point where James Bond movies became comedies—which continued throughout the Roger Moore era. Still, it’s a fun, oddball time capsule—some of it looks like old postcards, particularly the Las Vegas Strip, McCarran airport, and The Elrod House, in Palm Springs.

Number 14: Quantum of Solace (2008) The best thing about this one is that it’s actually the second half of Casino Royale (2006), so it’s like you came back from intermission. I, for one, could easily imagine being in line to pee for two years. And then, first thing, M’s bodyguard shoots her. She’s got some really funny lines—Judi Dench is great. As bad as this movie is, I kind of like it for a few things. The meeting of all the rich sleazebags at the opera is hilarious. The villain, played by Mathiew Amalric, is believable (who has had this guy for a boss?) and really, really gross. Forget all your evil acronyms—every time you hear “Greene Planet”—the greed behind the philanthropic lie is evil that we all know. The parallel story with the kickass woman, played by Olga Kurylenko is a sad revenge saga, but one you can get behind. The way-too-few Jeffrey Wright/Leiter scenes are intriguing—it almost feels like he hacked into the story, somehow. Ultimately, this movie actually made me like Casino Royale more than I had originally—which makes sense—seeing how it’s, you know, the second half—but in keeping with the usual Bond movie syndrome, the first halves are always better than the seconds halves.

Number 15: License to Kill (1989) The second Timothy Dalton—a pretty entertaining, nutso movie—it starts out with Felix Leiter’s (David Hedison) wedding, after which he’s fed to a shark. He survives, with missing limbs, but his wife is killed. Bond must feel that not only women he’s involved with are doomed, but now even being a best man is lethal. Which compels him to go on a rampage, for which he gets into trouble, and gives zero fucks, as usual. On the way, plenty of fun situations—high point is the Hemingway Home cats and other Florida locations. Also, appearances by a lot of good characters, including Robert Davi, Carey Lowell, Anthony Zerbe, Frank McRae, Benicio del Toro, and Wayne Newton, among others. As with everything else of the era, it looks like shit and feels like trash—much as all of middle-era Bond—which has its own charm, I guess.

Number 16: The World is Not Enough (1999) Even though this one is pretty lame throughout (especially the computer stuff, some of Bond’s lack of wit, and the usual boring explosions), I like how grim the overall tone is, and how Bond (Pierce Brosnan) seems out of his element. And the best thing about this story is that I really wanted to believe the Elektra King character (Sophie Marceau)—and actually felt a sense of betrayal that she was brainwashed and a villain. That’s just good drama. Also, the ex-KGB guy (Robert Carlyle), who can’t feel pain, is a barrel of laughs. And Denise Richards is a nuclear physicist who is as fearless as the villains, and pretty much out-performs Bond, even though she has a dumb name, which I’ve forgotten, and am not even going to bother to look up.

Number 17: The Living Daylights (1987) I was probably put off by this new James Bond in 1987 when I saw it at the theater, but after 33 years or so, it’s kind of nice to see it again and not remember much. Timothy Dalton is likeable, he’s suave and good-looking, and the story is a twisty international tale of intrigue and double-crosses involving lots of characters, countries, organizations, drugs, arms, and lots of secrets. There’s nothing particularly bizarre or insane, which is a bit of a letdown, but in a way it’s a relief that the primary woman character isn’t immediately killed and is quite courageous. It’s also a relief that they put a lid on the bad comedy, particularly really dumb secondary characters (no rednecks with ungodly wads of chewing tobacco!). I mean, there are plenty of over-the-top action scenes, but nothing that makes you pee your pants. However, as with stuff that’s most notable for what it’s not—well, there’s a word for that: boring.

Number 18: Die Another Day (2002) Pretty much every aspect of this one is over the top—I’m not going to list examples, because then I’d have to watch it one more time, and it already feels like visiting multiple relatives on Thanksgiving and eating the full meal each at each one. I wonder if it has to do with post-9/11-numbness? At any rate, it would have been a better movie if half of the cartoonish stuff was cut out—or—if they just went all out in the other direction—robots, a time machine, hideout at the Earth’s core, dragons, ghosts, Godzilla, maybe superheroes from floating islands in space and a subterranean vault of inexplicable essence.

Number 19: Skyfall (2012) The best thing about this one is Javier Bardem as the villain, though with that blond hair he looks like he was digitally Frankensteined with Val Kilmer. It’s even more creepy than his No Country for Old Men wig. The next best thing is that Judi Dench takes over as the star. Generally, I don’t like it when the supporting roles get too big, as with other cases I’ve mentioned, but her version of M is more than just an uptight boss. But she’s killed, and sure it’s sad, but the movie acts like she’s the only person in Bond’s orbit who has ever died—when pretty much half the people he comes into contact with—waiters, clerks, chauffeurs, and an alarming number of women he fraternizes with—meet with untimely, horrible deaths. But for once we’re spared the wisecrack.

Number 20: Moonraker (1979) According to my memory, this was the film where the entire enterprise took a nosedive into the toilet. It figures that I’d remember it that way, since it was 1979, and around that time I became disillusioned with popular culture—especially movies. Not for me. It was all old books, punk rock, and beer. Watching this again, though—it’s more fun than I remember. The space station is pretty cool. And I think I wanted Drax to be James Mason (I want everyone to be James Mason), but that Michael Lonsdale is fine. The movie is still bad, though, in part because it became all about Jaws; James Bond became a supporting character. I love Richard Kiel, and he had an amazing career, but this villain is all bad comedy. It didn’t help that this followed Jaws, the movie, which I hated (because sharks are not scary, they’re fish—and I didn’t realize until years later it was actually a comedy about child abuse and alcoholism). I just wanted my James Bond movies to be James Bond movies, not The Three Stooges Go to Mars.

Number 21: For Your Eyes Only (1981) The most interesting thing about this movie is that it’s in the exact middle of the timeline (at this point) of Bond films, and also that there’s nothing particularly memorable, exciting, or totally heinous about it. Especially poignant to me is the year, 1981, since that’s when I turned 21, and it was an eventful year—pretty much a turning point. I’m sure I saw this movie at the theater, but I don’t remember where I saw it, or anything about it at all from that time. I must have thought that it was likely the last James Bond 007 movie. The franchise had more than run its course. It was over. Bond was through. I didn’t so much predict that, as feel it, and know it. I guess that’s why they don’t pay me the big money for my lack of expertise and absence of vision! But if you look at it another way, relative to the general decline of popular culture, since then, Bond hasn’t done so badly.

Number 22: Tomorrow Never Dies (1997) Sadly, it’s hard to find anything good about this movie, other than the cast, which includes Michelle Yeoh (better than in Squatting Tiger, Hidden Turd), Vincent Schiavelli (world’s most character-actor-looking character actor) and Ricky Jay, whose is the last person you’d expect to be cast as a cyber-nerd—and gets to do basically nothing. I would have paid money to see him—the author of “Cards As Weapons”—kill Bond with a thrown playing card and just end the movie. The white-crewcut henchman who looks like he escaped from a new-wave band is just annoying, though. As is the Jonathan Pryce character, even though I normally like Jonathan Pryce. He’s 100 times scarier in Listen Up Philip.

Number 23: GoldenEye (1995) This is a really odd movie—it has an unpleasant, convoluted structure and feels like it’s about eight hours long. Maybe it is. It’s like six movies in one. The MI6 guy who turns bad, and the rat-faced Russian general, and the really annoying computer hacker with the prop, round glasses that he never looks through. The hero is the Russian computer woman (Izabella Scorupco) who survives everything but dinosaurs and poltergeists just to get thrown into scenes with Pierce Brosnan that look like romance novel cover shoots. Most annoying, though, is the softcore S&M stuff with Famke Janssen. Though, I admit, she also has the best moment in the movie—when the villains are on an armored Wild Wild West-style train, and Bond comes at them with, naturally, a tank—which seems to sexually excite her—and she says, “He will derail us!”

Number 24: Spectre (2015) By far the best part of this movie is the continuous take, extended tracking shot, right at the beginning, in crowded Mexico City festival streets. But that only serves to remind you how annoying editing is. As usual, shots are way too short, and there are way too many cuts. It reminds you that editing is a crutch used to assemble not very well thought out or believable action—and as prevalent and overdone as it is, it’s not even done well. Opening with that excellent continuous take shot—it’s like a model for life itself—at some point, most people get a glimpse of magic, before having the rug pulled out from under them. Oh, well. And then, the rest of the movie is like a moving three-hour catalog of annoying men’s douchebag fashion.

Number 25: The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) The best thing about this one is the ambitious, but ultimately misguided, attempt to refashion the franchise into romantic comedy—meaning, there’s nothing good about it. A lot of world-under-the-sea bits, which should be a lot better, given the budget. Actually, the best thing about the movie is the excellent title song, “Nobody Does It Better,” sung by Carly Simon.

Number 26: No Time to Die (2021) It has been some time since I watched the movie, and since I was barely able to hold back the vomit the first time, I’ll opt out of rewatching it to get my facts straight. I remember being engaged for a while, but at some point, became overwhelmed by the convoluted nanobot nonsense, endless, boring, action scenes, and unforgivable sentimentality. If it really was the last James Bond movie, I could almost forgive an edited-down-to-90-minutes-version as a teary goodbye. But, of course, it’s not the last. The only fun part was springing the new 007 (since Bond has retired), played by Lashana Lynch, giving us some good scenes reflecting that universal (jobs, relationships, nations) in-with-the-new/out-with-the-old theme. Maybe it’s my problem, and not the movie’s, but I can no longer watch shootouts, car chases, and movies that start out promising and degenerate into bloated, failed attempts to mean something. But people are dumb, and maybe what people want is shootouts and car chases. But if you must have them, how about, at least, shootouts and car chases that don’t look like all the other shootouts and car chases we see in every movie? And what happened to, instead of giving people what they want, introducing them to what they didn’t know they wanted? (Now I’m being ridiculous.) I could just stop going (to every new Bond movie), but it’s the one franchise I feel locked into from birth, so instead I’ll engage in the fantasy sport of: “What would you do if your name was Broccoli?” I’ll add my 2 cents! What if we limited each movie to a low, B-movie budget (whatever that is these days), requiring the leads to work for scale (they’re always better that way), and with a new James Bond 007 for each movie? And a different director for each movie, allowed full license to try whatever hell approach they want. One new movie per year, released on Christmas Day. To me, that sounds fun.

Number 27: Casino Royale (1967) It’s a minor miracle to make a movie this unwatchable. If you took, say, a dozen of the top-billed actors (David Niven, Jacqueline Bisset, John Huston, Woody Allen, Deborah Kerr, Ursula Andress, Charles Boyer, George Raft, William Holden, Peter Sellers, Orson Welles, and John-Paul Belmondo!) and filmed a 10-minute segment of each of them frying an egg in their home kitchen, you’d not only have a better movie, but guaranteed, a great movie. I’d see that movie. To take those same people and somehow create something unwatchable is a feat that should be reckoned with, like, say, the atomic bomb—but the less I have to do with it, the better.

—Randy Russell 11.27.22

Original James Bond Marathon INTRO – from 2021:

Vodka Brocco-tini with a Twist: James Bond 007 Movies Ranked!

Depending on who you are, James Bond movies could be considered a guilty pleasure, in that they are low-quality big-budget entertainments with very little value as art or contribution to culture. They’re crude, violent, gratuitous, sexist, misogynistic, racist, xenophobic, uninformed, clueless, unsophisticated, boorish, boring, overly long and bloated, and become dated almost instantly. They try to be both comic and dramatic and rarely work as either. And yet, we (some of us) love them—I suppose in the way we love Twinkies, Christmas, heavy drinking, and sports involving car crashes and head injuries. We’re human, I guess.

My personal fascination has to do with franchise mirroring my entire life—as we were born at roughly the same time—and we grew up together, mired in fear of nuclear holocaust, the Cold War, the USSR, the counterculture, assassinations, terrorists, strongmen, strong women, and growing old. Also, our love of gadgets, cool shit, and the British way of speaking. But this isn’t just a British franchise—it’s an American thing. That “license to kill” that’s granted to a handful of MI6 agents? In the USA, 300 million people have the license to kill. The James Bond character is really an American white male archetype, overly privileged, won’t listen to his boss, wounded romantically so he merely uses women. Essentially, Bond is depressed, psychotic, a heavy smoker (early versions), an alcoholic, a sex addict, and a gambling addict. But he’s smart (except when it comes to mixology) and can think on his feet. The quality that makes (some of us) want to watch him, is the way he can get into a jam and then turn a disposable lighter and a can Aqua Net into a blowtorch.

The fun of “ranking” these movies is that they each have so many contradictory elements—so nobody remotely agrees on the best and worst. It’s amazing, really, that the franchise has lasted, and so many were made. They are essentially each a “remake” rather than a series—each one tries (and fails) to improve on the ideal version of “James Bond.” Each movie pretty much starts with Bond being fired, “going rogue,” using a woman (who is then killed) to get close to the villain, walking into the situation like an idiot, blowing everything up, disarming a nuclear device, saving the world, and getting together with another woman. The tiny variations and outrageously misguided folly are what make them what they are. There’s plenty that’s atrocious with these movies—that goes without saying—so I ranked them from best to worst—and try to focus on what’s cool about each one.

—Randy Russell 2.6.21

Listz-O-Mania!

This is a new page dedicated to random lists now and again. The point of making lists, for me, is not to attract people to this site—about that, I don’t really care, and I don’t keep track. For me, making lists is purely for fun. Also, hopefully, it leads to enjoying things I like, rediscovering things I’ve forgotten, and discovering new things. The “things” could possibly be anything one might make a list of. More, coming soon!