La Croix – la Cola AKA NiCola

I found this mysterious brew last year, sometime—it took me forever to find it—finally got some at Cermak—but then the next time I looked, no. I waited awhile to write about it because I thought that after some months flipped over there would be more information online—but unfortunately there are more questions than answers. The only thing definite, as far as I can tell, is that it has been discontinued. And the question some people ask is, if something isn’t made available, and then it’s discontinued due to low sales, how does that make sense? Another mystery is, what exactly, is the name? It says “la Cola” on the can, but it also says “NiCola”—could they not decide on the name, or what? And both with the ® next to the names, meaning, unless I’m wrong, they spent some $$$ to make sure no one else could use the names. I know, because I tried to make “Randy Russell” a registered trademark, and it was virtually impossible. Someone told me I could only do it if my name was “Randy $ Russell!” Well, then, okay, what’s this rare, tall, skinny can rarity taste like? First of all, I like it. I’m strangely drawn into its clutches. It’s not exactly like coca, but a little bit like cola. All cola is a little different, but all tastes enough like cola that you don’t doubt it. As cola, I mean. If I had to describe it without the word “cola” I’d say, a little vanilla, a little ginger, and a hint of citrus. (Vanilla being warm, ginger spicy, and so forth.) Which gets me to thinking—that carefully guarded secret Coca-Cola recipe? What if it just turned out to be vanilla? Which you associate with a light color—but cola has the brown coloring—so you have a contradiction between the taste and the visual—which is its magic. That’s why they discontinued “Crystal Pepsi” right? And Clear Coke? —it freaked people out. And so would this, if it got “out there”—which apparently is not gonna happen. Maybe it was seen as a threat to the fabric of the soft-drink empire, without which our entire economy would collapse, and we’d plunge back into the dark ages of cords on telephones!

No. 141 – 2.21.26

Waterloo – Guava Berry

I was less than excited about this one, I guess—I bought one can and it sat in my refrigerator for three months. No wonder I don’t have room for food! The can art didn’t help—a very small, pale, photo-collage of a sliced guava, sliced strawberry, and two raspberries. You know how when you slice a strawberry, it doesn’t look as good as a whole strawberry? Yeah. Also, I can’t remember if I’ve had guava water before—but I don’t remember being thrilled about it. I like guava paste, a lot, in spite of the off-putting name—but it’s not my favorite flavor. Well… until now, because… this water is delicious! I’m convinced I can taste guava and berry (though I don’t claim to be able to differentiate between the berries) and it’s a good balance. Also, very fruity. If you’re in the mood for a real subtle, flavor-barely-there water—maybe no. But if you want a delicious fruity one, this is good. Like I said before, Waterloo must have some real flavor artists working there—I just wish they’d bring back that All-Day-Rose!

No. 140 – 2.14.26

365 Whole Foods Market – Raspberry Dragon Fruit

It’s fruity, no doubt, but DRAGON fruity? I like it, it’s good—partly because it’s so subtle, and often, subtle = refreshing. It’s not overly raspberry-y, but at least they spelled it correctly. I can’t help feeling a little like you should take a sip and then scream: “DRAGON FRUIT!” —as your head is ripped off by the distinctive Dragon Fruit flavor. Though I don’t know quite what that is. The internet says, more like pear than anything, but not real pronounced. It’s a whacked-out name. The Dragon part, I guess, comes more from its appearance—it looks cool, like you could hang it on your Christmas tree. One funny bit—since another name for Dragon Fruit is “Strawberry Pear,” I ’spose they could have called this Raspberry Strawberry Pear—which would be weird. Or they could make another water flavor called Strawberry Pear Dragon Fruit—which would be funny, and redundant—but it sure as hell better taste like DRAGON FRUIT!!! Or, maybe not, since maybe it does—not known for its flavor, really. The can art, anyway, is really good—stylized cartoon drawings of red raspberries and cut-away slices of Dragon Fruit—top rate!

No. 139 – 2.4.26

Kroger Seltzer – Strawberry Lemonade

First of all, I’ll mention the can and get that bummer out of the way. Their logo, which I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, says: SELT/ZER/Water, in a blue circle surrounded by a blue dotted line, as if you’re supposed to cut along the line and keep little metal “proof-of -purchase” discs—save enough and win a trip to the Dumb Museum. I’ll say it again: With a minimum of effort, they really could come up with a better logo! Put someone’s 10-year-old kid on it! This can design says, “We do not give a fuck.” Like when they stopped providing shopping baskets at the store. Behind that, there’s some amorphous blobs of pink and yellow—except it’s actually two similar shades of garbage/vomit pink (see Bubly Bellini Bliss review). And not yellow at all, but gold. These colors do nothing to suggest strawberries or lemons—but I kind of like the gold—it’s an odd, evocative shade. The flavor of this one is surprisingly good—I suppose my expectations were low—maybe that’s the shitty-looking-can strategy. Anyway, pretty tasty. They kind of tanged it up, it’s not real subtle. I just read somewhere, fiction, kids snacking on cookies and lemonade—did we used to do that? No! It’s cookies and milk! If you’re drinking lemonade, you want to pair that with, what? Vodka, I guess. That’s called Texas Lemonade, which makes very little sense. But more sense than powdered “instant” lemonade. If life gives you lemons, and you can’t make lemonade—just remember, that doesn’t mean literally—it means make the best of things, and that’s most often easier said than done—so maybe keep your dumb sayings to yourself.

No. 138 – 1.29.26

La Croix – Strawberry Peach

This is one of La Croix’s newer ones, I think—I can’t keep up. Some new waters are impossible to find, like you have to join a secret club or something. I tried this one last summer—and once again, I’m behind in posting these water reviews—so this doesn’t always make sense, seasonally. It’s a summer offering. Can you think of a more “summer” flavor combination than strawberry and peach? Those are the summery-est of all summer fruits—both being highly seasonal. Sure, you can get them all year, but they can be pretty dismal. But when you get good strawberry in season, or a good peach, like off a tree—there’s nothing better. I think they did a good job with the flavors, here, too—I can taste both the strawberry and the peach—a good balance. They went all out with the can, too—metallic pink with bouncing ripe strawberries and a couple of little pink flowers and some slashes of green and red and overlapping orange and red hearts and then, right in the middle, a peach cut in half, and in the middle, instead of a pit, there’s a strawberry! Does anyone ever do that—I mean, as a fresh fruit presentation? I’ve never seen it, but I might remember that the next time I make summer fruit salad.

No. 137 – 1.18.26

Good & Gather – Caffeinated Cherry Cola Sparkling Water

Another caffeinated water, but this one, the caffeine comes from “Green Coffee Extract”—whatever that is! Well, it also says: “Caffeine from green coffee beans.” So there you have it. A lot of info on this can! It also says that there’s 35mg caffeine per can. Is that a lot or a little? I’ll have to do some research. How much caffeine is in a cup of coffee? The internet tells me 95mg. For what’s that worth—since, with coffee, strength and size is all over the place! How does it taste? I’m not crazy about it—since it’s cherry—and even though I’ve come around to cherry, over the years, as I’ve said, I still don’t like it. AND IT’S EVERYWHERE! Maybe this would be a good one to make a cocktail with—like my famous “Black Cow” cocktail (an ounce of cold espresso with cherry flavored water poured over the top of it so it foams up and looks like Guinness). Of course, since this already has coffee—might that be overkill? Or overstimulation? I don’t get the “Cola” in the name so much—unless it’s “Cherry Cola” (the great undrinkable). Still, it’s not half bad, and I really like the can—a collage of metallic dark brown, red, and green—some red cherry shapes, and their passable logo—oddball can for an oddball water!

No. 136 – 1.14.26

Nixie – Pomegranate Green Tea

With 15mg caffeine! Does pomegranate contain caffeine? No. Is 15mg a lot? Or, like, hardly worth mentioning? Another Nixie—I still would like to try them all! It’s too floral—is that really what pomegranates taste like, or is this a “flavor,” and pomegranates are for show? Hard to say, unless I buy some pomegranates and hold taste tests. Later. Trying it again—it’s OK—I don’t mind it, I could drink this. The can is good, but strange—nice colors and a metallic pink-orange and dark green, and the excellent “Nixie” logo. But the pomegranate drawings are very weird. Pomegranates that are opened up, with the little red pods, but it looks more like a random pomegranate photo than a stylized drawling—or maybe they designed the can with AI! You notice the lack of an aesthetic sense—or any good sense at all! If I didn’t know better, I’d think the pictures were of some kind of a baked good. And if not that, maybe some kind of a dissected animal! So, yeah, I’m thinking, this very much looks like it was designed with AI—you’re seeing this more and more—a look that no human could possibly think looks good AT ALL. Soon, our entire aesthetic is going to be irrevocably warped—but I’m not worried about that—after all, look at the current state of automobiles, architecture, and ART. We are already pretty much screwed along those lines. One more AI designed sparkling water can isn’t going to sink the ship—the ship is already sinking.

No. 135 – 1.7.26

Bubly – Bellini Bliss

This is, I believe, the second Bellini flavored water I’ve sampled—and I think I liked the other one better—I’ll have to check my notes. I had to look up the Bellini Cocktail again to see what it is. Okay—Prosecco and peach (for those of you who’ve just been quaffin’ ’em down without knowin’ what’s in ’em). This version, I’m sad to report, tastes like vomit. Vomit coming up—which is, hopefully, the only way you’re tasting vomit! Coming up. For all I know, the cocktail might recall vomit as well—maybe it’s something people get nostalgic for. Vomiting, I mean—after all, people are nostalgic for The Nineties. I want to be excited about all the fake cocktail waters… but this one… no. The can says: “peach, pineapple, mango flavors”—yeah, those, together—sounds vomity to me. It’s funny, the can has a bit of a pinkish vomit hue, as well. Or else, the color of garbage, in some old comic books I remember (once in a while, someone had to depict garbage, and they went with this odd pink color). I do really like the name, though—it just has some poetry to it—like, Bobby Petrino and Bo Pelini and Bubba Zanetti and Cundalini and a girl I met in Fayetteville named Bubly Bellini Bliss.

No. 134 – 12.30.25

Trader Joe’s – Pineapple

Exactly what you’d expect—or, I expected—but at least it was on sale! Water has gotten more expensive, for no good reason, just because everything else has, and I guess it wants to keep up with the Joneses. So it’s always nice to get some on sale. I’m not a big fan of Trader Joe’s can design (you can do better, guys!) and I’ve never been a fan of pineapple water. I don’t hate it. It just doesn’t do anything for me. I suppose I’d like it better if you threw a little rum in it. Do I make that same Holden Caulfield joke every time I review coconut or pineapple water? I probably do, and I’m probably going to continue to do so!

No. 133 – 12.24.25

Peñafiel – Mineral Water

Bought this at Cermak, relatively cheap, under $2. It’s in a plastic bottle with a screw-top. I’ve never seen this brand before—it’s from Mexico. According to the internet, it’s a really old one, but they have been since been acquired by this or that conglomeration. (I feel like making a comic, fake company, combining the names of two or three incongruous organizations or companies—like Keurig Dr. Pepper, for example—but those things exist in reality—like Red Bull Pop-Tarts—so are pretty much impervious to satire, on that level!) Anyway, I was examining the bottle and… the top popped off, with little help from me—like maybe someone had opened it in the store. I hate that, not that I’m so paranoid about it. But you’re used to needing an athletic specialist to open most things. So, I looked up if there were any recalls on this water and saw there was a recall on some, a few years back—for excessive arsenic levels. But that was like 6 years ago—plus, arsenic isn’t bad for you, right? Also, if you look up any product, there has been a recall at some time or another, recorded on the weird wild web, as part of history—but no one even knew about it at the time, because… how would they know? Anyway, it’s a tasty sparkling mineral water, just minerally enough—not crazy level, like some. I see they also make some flavored waters—didn’t see those, but I might, some day—the usuals, but also, Apple, which I really want to look for—just because of the lack of apple flavored water, generally.

No. 132 – 12.18.25

Maison Perrier – Ultimate

There was a time when if you didn’t want to drink sugary soft drinks, your choice was, then: Perrier or tap-water. There were more, of course—but that’s not far from it. Perrier had a kind of rich person stigma, and I guess it was relatively pricey. Like everything else, it’s been declining over the years—at some point bought by Nestlé—not necessarily a bad thing, but still. Now, of course, it’s just siphoned from Parisian toilets—and sometimes they forget to flush—those French! I’m just kidding—I think it still comes from the same spring—those springs last forever! But now—didn’t see this happen—but it seems like they’ve gone totally nuts and are going full-on into the fancy pants water and weird flavor revolution. They’re now “Maison Perrier”—is that rebranding or just moving up the alphabet? I tried to make sense of what’s on their website, but it almost gave me a seizure, so I figure I’ll just wait and see what shows up in the store. This one is called “Ultimate”—and why not. It’s sparkling water—not super minerally, but some, and I have to say, very delicious! It’s in one of those tall skinny cans – but not quite 12 oz – it’s 330ml – which is 11.15 oz. Kind of a flat green and silver can, a real classy look. It’s got an “adult” look to it, so say, this might be your thing if you’re at an art opening and don’t want to look like Pablo McFruity with your La Croix Pomegranate Razz-Berry Jizz. Not something that ever bothers, me, personally—I’m like 86 years old—but for the young art-stars in progress, image is everything.

No. 131 – 12.3.25

Founders – Hoppy Mood

At first I thought, “Not enough hops,” too subtle. But it’s nice that a hop water (or any sparkling water) has the boldness to be light and subtle, breezy and barely there—that’s one of the things I like about this! And then my next taste, and next can, I could taste it more—there’s plenty of hops—and it’s a particularly nice hop flavor balance, too. This is from Founders Brewing, in Grand Rapids, just across the pond from Milwaukee. No wait, the Atlantic Ocean is “the pond”—so what’s Lake Michigan, that emphasizes how relatively small it is, you know, compared to the Pacific? Maybe it’s just Lake Michigan. Of course, if we go forward with the plans to rename it Lake Wisconsin, that might make it hard to obtain this Hoppy Mood, since it’ll all be a warzone, and that’d be too bad, because it’s good. In a pretty, light blue can, and on the other side from the name there’s an odd drawing—it looks like a woman (though, could be a man) with either a hop hat, or else it’s a personified hop cluster, wearing clothes, and dancing, listening to music through earphones and a phone. Oddly, the person doesn’t have hands, but instead paddles—where hands should be. Is that just because hands are hard to draw? Or are future people going to have paddles? No need for fingers, since we have AI, I guess.

No. 130 – 11.12.25

HOP WTR – Ruby Red Grapefruit

If I went to a party, or say, an art opening, and there was pretty much every sparkling water and hop water there to choose from, I very well might grab one of these HOP WTR brand cans—all caps, I guess—they have several flavors on their website. This is the first I’ve tried, and it’s excellent. It’s not red—the grapefruit is flavor, not juice—though it is subtly tan or yellow, from the hops—and the flavor is an excellent balance. It’s very delicious. Also, there’s drugs. No, it’s not one of those weed drinks sweeping the nation, but it does contain “adaptogens and nootropics”—which is something I’m going to have to look up, but later. Here’s the ingredients, besides the carbonated water and ascorbic acid—natural flavors (that’d be the grapefruit), Citra, Amarillo, Mosaic, and Azacca Hops, Ashwagandha (“To destress & unwind”), and L-Theanine (“For mood & cognitive performance”). I’m quoting what the can says about those last two—I know people have varying opinions about both—but I seem to be in agreement, because I have both in pill form and believe they help me. And I’m of the opinion the hops also have some mildly mood-altering properties—all of which make this one pretty much a home run. I’ll have to see if I can find it again—as well as their other flavors—they’ve got an intense website you can check out. As far as the price goes—maybe not cheap, I’m not sure—honestly, I haven’t paid much attention to sparkling water and hop water prices, since I’m always looking to buy something new to try, and it’s all for the article, and science. Price is relative—it’s more expensive than tap water, but it’s decidedly cheaper than anything with alcohol, and those fancy new weed drinks—so there you go.

No. 129 – 11.3.25

Trader Joe’s – Winter Sangria

My most memorable experience drinking sangria was when, due to excess, I punched a glass pane of the French doors, cut my hand, and bled! This was a-while ago. My first Trader Joe’s water, maybe? The can is nothing special—but it does remind me of something—some kind of adult entity—like medicine or motor oil—I’m probably way off. I’ll come back to that. Maybe. My first thought, upon tasting, is that this is just glorified cherry—and you know what I think about the flavor, “cherry!” But haven’t I come around to cherry, lately? That’s beside the point. The point is, this should taste like sangria—or specifically—“Winter” sangria—which is? It’s a variation on sangria, and like sangria, there are as many different recipes and variations as there are swinging dicks in bartender school. And some, no doubt, include cherries. It’s a fruity mixture, no matter how you look at it, but still, it’s a red wine base—so I want this to taste more like red wine than fruit—but maybe that’s not realistic. And sure, the more of this I drink—because the flavor is pretty subtle—the more I like it—especially if I keep thinking: “Winter Sangria!” Because—as is the case with all this sparkling water—the imagination is always at play and has an enormous amount to do with its eventual success.

No. 128 – 10.19.25

Good & Gather – Peach Bellini

Did I say delicious? Good flavor I can’t put my finger on it. Definitely some peach, but the peach isn’t overwhelming, because I didn’t think “peach—yikes! —that’s really peach-barf-ola!” (That overwhelming, overbearing, oppressive artificial peach!) I must have been distracted by the “Bellini”—whatever that is—that’s responsible for a lot of the flavor. But I have to look it up, because that’s a cocktail that had its comeback, apparently, after I had quit drinking! The can design is not bad—big metallic peaches and raspberries over a silver background—the text really tiny and almost unreadable. But what is the “Bellini?” It’s a cocktail from Venice (Italy, not the bar in Kent, Ohio) that’s made with peach puree and Prosecco—which is a wine (had to look that up too). Pretty specific, I guess. I wonder if some asshole has come up with a “Chocolate Bellini” yet. Well, I’m kind of sorry I missed that one—just in that it’s a bit exotic and classic sounding and not too gross—on the other hand, a little fruity—but who knows. Anyway, now I’ve got this water, at least—but how close it comes to the Bellini cocktail is up for debate—but I won’t be joining in on that one. I’ve had enough of being ostracized for being a teetotaler!

No. 127 – 10.14.25

Kroger – Lemon

Three shades of metallic yellow, on the can, is nice. That logo, though—pay a graphic design student 50 bucks to come up with something that makes sense. If you can’t decide on a flavor, why not lemon? And this version of lemon is fine. It’s not fair to pick on Kroger Water Division (but is there such a thing?) just because my local grocery store is owned by Kroger, and it’s a terrible place. Well, it used to be owned by Roundy’s, but now Kroger, and it’s my least favorite grocery store in my experience—yet I keep trying to go there with a smile (it’s across the street, so close, and also, I don’t have a car)—yet, every time, I leave angry. Usually, I buy something on sale and don’t get the sale price. Other times, I’m confused by the advertised price—they do sneaky things so fool you. Why do you want to piss off your customers? Besides that, half of the time what I go there for is not stocked. Also, it’s not a big store, and a good third of the place is taken up with alcohol. But the worst thing of all—at one point, they stopped having shopping baskets whatsoever. They have carts, of course, but no baskets, like every other grocery store. But like I said, all of this should have no bearing on their sparkling water, which is certainly respectable.

No. 126 – 10.2.25

CForce – Premium Artesian Water

A tall, liter bottle—not sure what “C” stand’s for—Chuck Norris? It’s his wife’s company, and her name is Gina—but you couldn’t call it “GForce”—since that’s a thing—so, I don’t know. Chuck’s picture (small) is at the top of the label. According to a note on the bottle, the water erupts from 23,000-year-old volcanic rock that’s deep underneath Chuck & Gina’s Lone Wolf Ranch! If you want a good laugh, look at the “photo” on the homepage of their website (as of 9.28.25, things change)—it looks like a big, white, tractor barn with apartment complex windows. Whenever I see something that makes no sense (aesthetically) whatsoever, I suspect AI—but who knows. Anyway, the water tastes very good. It’s a still water, apparently naturally alkaline—which, I guess, means, to the layman, delicious. I believe it does come from those deep rocks, but even if it’s from the sink in Chuck’s guest bathroom, it’s tasty—nothing weird, just water—which, if you think about it, is weird—and the most valuable thing on Earth!

No. 125 – 9.28.25

Klarbrunn – Black Cherry

Why does “Black Cherry” sound so much better than “Cherry”—I mean, both for the fruit and the water. It’s a kind of cherry, sure, but I think it sounds more like an actual fruit, while simply “cherry,” you think maraschino cherry, or Cherry Kool-Aid, or Popsicle, or toilet cleaner. It doesn’t always work for food, but the black prefix often does work to enhance: black beans, black olives, black bread, black coffee. In some cases, though, it means something else, say, black banana. Ready to make into banana bread! And sometimes, not good at all—black orange, black celery, black water, black cheese. But in some cases, it may well be intriguing: black vitamins, black rice, black mushrooms, black whiskey. Well, I wish this water was actually black. Someday, they’ll be able to pull that off.

No. 124 – 9.25.25

Bubly – Grapefruit

Not a bad grapefruit flavor at all—it’s subtle, but as I said before, with grapefruit, you want it to be subtle. Am I a broken record here? Grapefruit is everyone’s favorite sparkling water, whether or not it’s got a French name. Talking about French—I was trying to think of a way to describe the otherworldly color of this can, a standout feature, here, and it just occurred to me that it’s a metallic version of French salad dressing. That weird orange you never see in nature, unless you include dumpsters as part of nature. I suppose it’s the uncomfortable mix of several garbage items into a sickly orange mess. Maybe that’s why you never see French dressing anymore—it’s a thing of the past! And what made it French in the first place? The other place I’ve noticed this particular orange (I mean, the not-metallic-version of it) was in the Sad Sack comic books, which were about a hapless sailor who constantly gets into trouble. There were always some misadventures involving gross bucketfuls of slop, or garbage, and I’ll never forget it—they used pretty much this shade of orange to depict it!

No. 123 – 9.17.25

Kroger – Peach

The good thing about this water is that it’s not bad. The bad thing about it is that it’s not good. Well… peach. At least it’s not peach schnapps. But then again, nothing compares to the flavor of a fresh peach, of course—but you’d think they’d at least be able to get near the neighborhood of the ballpark. And then there’s Richards Triple Peach wine—what I once considered to the pinnacle of peach flavored products—yet, it’s long been off the market (I think). It’s funny that they keep trying. With the peach flavor, I mean. Several waters have tried. And why no banana water? There have been banana popsicles. But no peach popsicles. None of it makes any sense whatsoever. Anyway, this one—the flavor is okay, but a little off, it seems to me. But I can drink it. And enjoy it. I’m not crazy about Kroger in general, I guess, since they bought my neighborhood grocery store and have done a poor job running it. That’s as mild as I can put it. I realize that’s not supposed to affect my reviews of water. And, well… these cans—the Kroger logo, and big blue circle that says: SELT / ZER / Water. They should do a contest in someone’s 2nd Grade art class to come up with a better can design—it’d be a slam dunk. I mean… it would take some real doing to come up with a worse can design!

No. 122 – 9.11.25