Klarbrunn – Bucky’s Cherry Berry

I vowed not to buy any more cherry flavored water—just because I’m not into cherry, as a flavor, and never have been. (Though… since I discovered that it mixes well with cold espresso to make a fine cocktail, I’ve come around, a bit.) But I bought this one because I was intrigued—why is it called Bucky’s? Also, is it cherry mixed with berry? And if so, which berry? (Cherry is not a berry—it’s a stone fruit—everyone knows that.) Let me taste it again—either it’s berry only in name, or the cherry overwhelms the berry. It just tastes like cherry. The Bucky part is because some of the proceeds go to some charitable cause, thanks to U. of Wisconsin and Klarbrunn (they are neighbors). So that’s nice, and it explains the weird illustration of the Wisconsin Badger mascot on the can—the cutest of all college sports mascots. Why is he called Bucky? His full name is Buckingham Ulysses Badger—thus “Bucky.” Personally, I would have gone with a different, perhaps “cuter” name. Ideas? Benny Badger. That’s good—not Bobby or Billy, though. How about Bootsy Badger? Or maybe Rodger Badger, or Beauford, or Glenn.

1.9.25

Waterloo – Spiced Apple

Well, I’ve got to admit, this one is weird. You can’t fault them for going for it. It’s wacky. I’m not sure it tastes that much like apple—well, I suppose so. Does anyone make just plain apple? They should. Before there were all these nutso unsweetened waters, that one Mexican soda, Sidral, was one of my favorites—it’s apple soda, and comes in a glass bottle with an apple design—but the best thing is it’s not overly sweet (like, say, Jarritos)—very delicious. And… apple! Where is the apple water? Well, here. But it’s “Spiced” apple—I’m guessing this is a seasonal flavor—and the season is autumn. It also got me thinking, why all the spiced bullshit in fall? I know it goes along with “holiday” foods—specifically pumpkin pie—but aren’t those spices good all year around? But then I told myself, just shut up and enjoy the fact that some things are still seasonal. That fact that there are at least a few things you don’t do all year around definitely adds to their charm. I’m not sure what all the spices are, but I think I taste cinnamon (which is the major spice of all the “holiday” spices). But maybe something else, too, but I don’t know—I suppose some ginger would make sense. What it kind of tastes like, to me, is cooked, even burnt, apple—or burnt sugar, plus apple. This initially struck me as gross, but I’ve got to admit, through the process of tasting one can of it, it’s growing on me.

12.12.24

Noon Whistle – Hop Water

Excellent 16 ounce can—it’s deep blue with huge, stylized, bright metallic green hop leaves—very weird looking—and the “Hop Water” in the same green with the scary, rotting, dripping, monster font. This comes from the Noon Whistle Brewing Company—the can says Lombard and Naperville, Illinois, which are western suburbs of Chicago. The hop flavor is quite bold—not like any I’ve yet tasted—I mean, it tastes exactly like hops, and hop water, but different, too. Am I becoming a connoisseur of hops? Well, not yet. I don’t have the vocabulary to really describe it—among the hop waters—and I certainly can’t compare it, rank it, or judge it—except to say, yes, it is delicious. Maybe bolder in flavor and a little more bitter than some others I’ve had. Not real subtle—a good amount of personality. I’ll buy this one again, for sure. I’m finally trying it at the beginning of October (2023!), which seems appropriate for a harvest-time drink—and doubly appropriate for the spooky season with the spooky-looking can label. I don’t have trick or treaters coming to my place, since I’m in an apartment building—but if I did, I’d be uncomfortable giving the kids candy, since I don’t eat it myself. Apples are out. I wonder if it would be okay to give kids cans of sparkling water—I don’t see why not. So, it’s fun to imagine getting a case of this stuff and giving it out to kids on Halloween—I wonder if they’d hate it. I bet it’d be okay with Charlie Brown!

11.27.24

Waterloo – Raspberry Nectarine

Nicely understated flavor—especially good restraint, considering the flavors at hand. It could easily be too perfumy, but it’s not—it’s fine. While I’m not crazy about how these sparkling waters pair raspberry with everything—at least Waterloo doesn’t spell it with a “z.” And in this case, maybe it’s good not to attempt a straight nectarine water because nectarines are a little weird. I mean, they’re good, of course, but a Nectarine water could be weird. Though I’d like to try it. The can is attractive, as all Waterloo ones are, with that Old-West font, but there’s something about this one—the fruit illustrations—that strikes me as odd. There’s a slice of nectarine, leaning back, and it front of it, two red raspberries, seemingly attached. If you use your imagination, you could picture the raspberries as eyes and the nectarine as a nose. Or… something more sexual might come to mind. Maybe it’s the way the nectarine is sliced, or the holes in the raspberries—I don’t know. I’m not saying everyone is going to see this particular fruit depiction and think “sex”—but I’d be surprised if it hasn’t crossed some people’s minds.

11.21.24

Hoplark Sparkling Water – with Citra Hops

I thought I had written about this one, but I guess not! It was waiting for me in the refrigerator all summer! It’s delicious—a good one. They describe it as a “Citrus Forward Hop Experience.” I can see that. I think I’ve had Citra hops from some other hop water, but I’m not sure. Anyway, the real point here is—after I’ve tried a lot of different bands of hop water, I’ve determined that Hoplark is my favorite. *(Since the time I wrote the first draft of this review, I’ve found a real challenger to that statement, but that’s only a good thing!) Not by much, as they’re all good, but all of the Hoplark varieties have a pronounced hop flavor—like they’re not afraid of the hops—that’s the point! And they seem to have a good balance or something—well, nothing off-putting about any of them. This one is really good. In a limited world, if this was the only hop water I could get, I’d be okay with that. (After all, it wasn’t that long ago when “hop water” wasn’t even in the dictionary!) In an UNLIMITED world, I’d be able to find this damn stuff easier. If you’re coming over to my house for dinner and can’t decide whether to bring white wine or red? Just bring a case of this! And you’ll be asked back, welcome anytime, and won’t have to help with the dishes!

11.13.24

365 Whole Food Market – Ginger

Hey! This one is nice. Not overboard with the ginger (not that I’d mind). Just a reasonable ginger sparkling water—resisting the temptation to mix it was other shit (Ginger Lemon, Ginger Lime, Ginger This, Ginger That, Ginger Fuck). THIS IS THE ONE I WANT. THIS IS IT… for ginger, I mean. It’s just too bad this 365 Whole Foods Market brand feels like “generic”—I’m sorry if grocery store brands bum me out a little. On the other hand… it could be better. I want more ginger!

10.26.24

Lagunitas Brewing Co. – Hoppy Refresher with Blood Orange

Hops with blood orange. Do I taste it—the blood orange—in there? I’m not sure. It’s good, at any rate. The slightly edgier brother-in-law of Hoppy Refresher with Berry + Lemon—though, really, much the same—delicious, refreshing, not quite hoppy enough, and not quite blood-orange-y enough. I guess I’m saying I could do with more flavor. Is subtlety its own flavor? I guess you could say that’s true—or is that like saying “boring is good because at least it’s not monstrous.” But we’re not talking about politicians here—this is hop water! But first… what exactly is “blood orange?” It certainly sounds cool! You know what a blood orange is. It’s an orange whose insides have a deep, crimson, poppy, fire-engine, amaranth, scarlet, carmine, cardinal—or let’s just say, blood-red color—brought on by the orchard’s proximity to leaking nuclear reactors. Not to be confused “orange blood”—which is simply another name for “Type O.” Oh boy. Ridiculous-wrong-information-starts-here-dot-com.

10.17.24

Bubly – Mango

I really like the can! It’s actually a metallic mango color—they got the shade of orange just right. The white “Bubly” logo barely shows up, which is impressive—in fact you can barely make out any of the printing except for a small, darker orange “mango.” The pull-tab is also metallic orange—a quirky choice—so you know you’re dealing with a classy enterprise (though it also says “sup” on the pull-tab, which is dumb—though this is a minor quibble). I was a little surprised that I actually liked this water fine. It does taste like mango, but it doesn’t have any of the a-little-bit off-putting flavor that mango sometimes has (I’m not sure if this is some mango, or if it’s just me not having eaten mangos from childhood). How about it? It’s good! It’s kind of like a mango lassi without the lassi (silly to even say that). Though, maybe, in the flavor department, they actually did work in very, very subtle additional flavors—the bite of yogurt, and whatever spices a lassi might have, like cardamom. Well, however they arrived at it, this is a pretty successful flavored sparkling water.

9.26.24

Jelly Belly – Juicy Pear

I was half expecting this to taste like anything but pear—after all, I don’t eat a lot of pears. Does anyone? I know someone does—some people who love them more than anything. Why don’t I eat more pears? I guess it’s hard to find them ripe enough… and not too ripe. A few years ago, I got some really good ones at a farmers’ market—from a guy with an orchard (Ela Orchard, south of here) who also had good apples. Pears have such a distinctive flavor—and this water does a good job capturing that. It really tastes like pears! It maybe has a slight hint of something else, too, I’m not sure, but it’s really good, regardless. I’m sure in a blindfold test I’d say “pear.” It’s not subtle, either—plenty of flavor. And my burps taste like pear, which is delightful. It’s a nice can, too, green and white, with that kind of retro “Jelly Belly” logo. I’d make this one of my regulars, but I have a hard time finding it anywhere. I think I got it at the Cermak grocery store. One more thing—I like how they call it “Juicy Pear” instead of just “Pear”—it implies a very ripe pear, which has more flavor—and… is there anything more juicy than a juicy pear? I think not! That’s one of those questions that, if anyone answers other than: “No!” they’re just being a smartass. Not of this Earth!

9.12.24

Waterloo – Ginger Citrus Twist

Shocking, in that I don’t like it. That’s a big surprise—I’ve liked every other Waterloo, and every other ginger sparkling water—what went wrong here? It’s weird—it almost tastes sweet. I had to double-check the ingredients—but no sugar. I’m almost wondering if they accidentally messed up a batch. Anyway, it does taste like ginger, but not very much, and it does taste a little citrusy, but not much—what the hell? The thing it reminds me of most is those antacids—Brioschi, and Galeffi—the Italian effervescente that I have on hand, currently. Kind of, but not really. Anyway, something medicinal about it. Well… it’s not horrible… I can drink it. Maybe my expectations were too high. I would save the rest of it for guests—that wouldn’t be rude—anyone might really like this. So that’s what I’d do with the rest of it—that is, if I ever had guests! Another funny thing—the picture on the can—while, if you really look, you can tell it’s a piece of ginger and twists of lemon and lime—but it took me awhile—and at first, I thought it was a piece of popcorn! Which made no sense. But when you look even more closely, it actually looks more like a misshapen turkey!

9.5.24

Richard’s – Sparkling Rainwater

I am totally willing to take it on faith that this is actually rainwater. If, in fact, it is ever proven otherwise (I don’t know why I’m even thinking that—trust in people!)—well, I’d be rather disappointed. It’s very good, but really tastes no different than plain, sparkling water—at least to my palette. But anyway, the really spectacular thing here is that it comes in a bottle, and there’s an excellent label. It’s a clear, 12-ounce bottle—in the shape of a longneck beer bottle—though, when I hold it, it seems smaller—I guess it’s been a long time since I handled a longneck beer—I guess I’ve gotten bigger. The label is white, very simple, nice choice of fonts—and the main thing is the letter “R”—stylized, looking like a hurricane swirl—made up of a rainbow of colors. On the right side of the R is a raindrop, same colors, which also functions as an apostrophe (appropriate, because there’s one in Richard’s). It’s a really good logo—trademarked, apparently—which is good, because otherwise someone might steal it. And that someone might be me!

8.28.24

Lagunitas Brewing Co – Hoppy Refresher with Berry + Lemon

I have to say, this is really, really good, without really thrilling me. It’s as refreshing as the name sounds. I could drink this on a hot day, as my refreshment of choice. Or at an event, when I want “refreshing” to rub off, and make ME refreshing, as I present myself to, you know, whoever. One of the things that doesn’t thrill me is that the hops is too subtle. I might not even be able to tell there is hops there if I didn’t know. Well, probably I could. When you burp, it’s a hops burp, so that’s nice. And so, what this mostly tastes like is the “berry” flavor—which is good—and tastes like berry—but I don’t really notice the lemon. Maybe you shouldn’t be overwhelmed by the lemon—it’s a flavor that enhances other flavors, I guess. But I’d like a little more lemon. And the final thing is, what berry? It kind of drives me crazy when something is “berry” flavor, without being more specific (it’s a mere step up from “mixed fruit”). I mean, it could be Berry Gibbs, or Berry White, or Berry Manilow, or Berry Stephens, or Berry Poltermann, or Berry Nelson, or Berry Goldwater, or Chuck Berry, or Dave Berry, or Lynda Berry. See my problem?

8.20.24

Bubly – Lemon Sorbet

Here’s an intriguing flavor—it sounds delicious, doesn’t it. Of course, it just gets me thinking about the waters I haven’t seen yet. Vanilla Custard, Banana Cream, Chocolate, Pumpkin Pie. Where are the autumn spice flavors? For that matter, coffee, and peanut butter. Peanut brittle, circus peanuts, black walnut taffy, licorice, anise, schnapps, whiskey, and campfire? They seem to be stuck in mixing pomegranate and citrus—it’s getting dull—but I’m hopeful. Anyway, this is another one where they mix a fruit flavor with vanilla and viola. It’s pretty delicious. You could compare this with Limoncello (water, La Croix)—but I’m not comparing them head-to-head—not falling for that trap! I’d like to say Limoncello has this one beat with a possibly more complex flavor, maybe more lemon zest or something, but I’m not sure. At any rate, this is possibly mis-named—as actual lemon sorbet is simply lemon and sugar, no milk, and not vanilla, am I wrong? Lemon Sherbet would be a more fitting name—though, generally, that just includes milk in the recipe, not necessarily vanilla, am I wrong? So, I don’t know what you’d call it—Lemon Pie, perhaps? But then you’re competing with Key Lime Pie. How about Lemon Custard? That might contain vanilla. But isn’t that a song by Led Zeppelin? Which would mean it’s a code-word for Robert Plant’s manly juices, am I wrong?

8.14.24

Polar – Orange Vanilla

They could have called this one “Creamsicle” and I’d have been okay with that—they really pulled it off. (I’m trying to remember if someone else did, as well… maybe not this well.) Of course, they’d have to pay money to the Creamsicle Corporation. Or at least work together on it. Unlike that Creamsicle Cocktail—which I imagine everyone agrees is just gross. But anyway, there is no ice cream thing I’m more fonder of than that orange Creamsicle—and this water nails it exactly, in my opinion. And when it comes to vanilla, I have a LOT of opinions. Vanilla is tricky—I know I’ve said this before—it can be the very best thing there is, or unbearably gross. And I’m not sure why. I noticed on the attractive pale orange and silver can: “orange vanilla seltzer with other natural flavors for depth & complexity”—in weirdly small print—like they’re hiding that—or don’t want to blow their own horn. I think there’s some real flavor scientists working over there at Polar—and they figured this one out. Now, if I can just find the Holy Grail—Polar Vanilla. I’m thinking… did they nail cream soda? Someone is gonna someday!

8.6.24

Bubly – Blueberry Pomegranate

I like the can a lot—it’s a very dark metallic purple—the look I admire on some college football team helmets—I don’t know why. A car that color would be refreshing! When did they stop painting cars actual colors? The lower-case, minimal font logo is in white, and there are well-placed, varying sized “bubbles” that are—what color is that? Maybe the brown side of maroon. Brown seems weird, but it totally works. The water is a bit floral. Some fruit waters just taste too floral to me, too perfumy. It kind of tastes like you’re making out with an old lady right before church. It’s another case of flavor overkill, perhaps. The can says: “blueberry pomegranate flavor with other natural flavors”—as if the first two didn’t border on one too many. What other flavors could there be, here, represented? Let me take another drink and speculate. I’m tasting a little banana in there, and some tutti-frutti, bubblegum, a little blue moon, maybe, and some Froot Loops milk, some Pop Rocks, little wax soda bottles with colored liquid, and a slice of rainbow, a dose of free love, a whiff of Dean Martin, a blush of Heatwave, a whisper of Dazzledent Gum, the lingering memory of Stay-Put Lipstick. I like the can a lot.

7.30.24

Simple Truth Organic – Pineapple Seltzer

Again, the tall, skinny cans. I like the tall, skinny, 12-ounce cans, but I don’t think they’ll catch on because I bet if companies did market research, they will find that people feel like there is less liquid in the tall skinny cans than the traditionally shaped 12-ounce cans. That is likely because they associate the tall skinny shape with the product normally containing fewer ounces—like Red Bull. Maybe I’m wrong… maybe people aren’t fooled and look at the label for the once count. Anyway, this can is two-tone white and old-gold (with a green company logo), and there’s a subtle, stylized pineapple drawing in the gold part—very cute. The water is good, refreshing—but there’s not a whole lot to say about it. It tastes like pineapple. Not gross in any way. Some light rum might work in here very well… if you were so inclined in that way. Forget I even mentioned that, sorry. Or… maybe, three kinds of rum, light, dark, and 151 proof. Some CocoRibe Liqueur, a dash of Absinthe, and a few drops of Laudanum. Wake up in a ditch.

7.16.24

Hoplark Sparkling HopTea – the Mile-High-Biscus One

It took me awhile to get to this one, for some reason—I suppose subconsciously I was reminded of that candied hibiscus flower I once had a bag of until it turned on me (I turned on it), which I believe I wrote about somewhere else (trying hard not to be that guy who’s always repeating himself)! I probably wrote about Red Zinger tea at that time, too—how I never see it out there anymore, it seems—yet it still exists. This hopwater is indeed bright red from the hibiscus, and it’s got a bit of a head—which is pink—pretty cute. It might be the Barbie drink of choice (Summer 2023), except it really is red, so it might be more Satanic than Barbie. (Or… Satanic Barbie? It’s only a matter of time.) And it tastes both like hops and hibiscus, which I don’t believe is a combination I’ve ever encountered before. Interesting. Definitely refreshing, but also a little weird. The can says: “Tart, refreshing, and oh so crushable.” And some more nonsense about the altitude in Boulder—they’re funny. The ingredients are organic hibiscus petals along with cashmere and lemondrop hops. I have not yet knowingly encountered cashmere hops, but I like the name. The hop-meter shows “wee bit”—I suppose to balance with the hibiscus—and it is a good balance—but seeing how I’m a reborn hophead, I want more hops! Generally. The 16 ounce can is their usual bold style, this one in flat black and bright red—the colors of my high school sports team, “The Perkins Pirates”—so I can’t help thinking pirate when I see those colors, and this may very well be a fine drink for a fictionalized, romanticized, relatively benevolent, Disneyfied Johnny Depp pirate.

7.9.24

Nixie – Peach Black Tea

Just as soon as I saw this Nixie water start to populate the shelves at my local sparking water store, it seemed to get scared off with uncommon prejudice. That might just mean it’s popular. I’ll check again tomorrow, but anyhow, trying the Peach Black Tea sparking water—surprisingly clear (it looks nothing like black tea) and surprisingly delicious. Peach is a flavor I have a natural bias against, just because I recall it being the first artificial flavor out there in alcoholic form. I’m thinking of the 1980s (whew!) and, you know, Peach Schnapps—the horror! Truly gross shit! Weirdly, I recently saw Peach flavored Crown Royal—they must be trying to reach the 12-year-old whiskey market. (Not 12-year-old whiskey, but thirsty 12-year-olds!) Contradictorily, I did like Richard’s Triple Peach sweet bumwine—though it was essentially a figure of “Masochist Night.” There was a fine little peach tree in my back yard growing up, and so I’ve always had a great fondness for ripe, fresh, peaches, off a tree—and I hold a high standard. So I’ve avoided most peach-flavored anything for most of my later-adult life. But this water is quite a surprise, as it’s delicious. Maybe it’s the combo with the very subtle tea flavor, but the peach is right there on top, and it’s good. The can is a homerun as well, metallic orange and dark green, with a metallic sliced peach rendition that really looks like a peach. Product name in various, slightly retro fonts in white—it’s a nice style.

7.4.24

La Croix – Pure

I may be wrong, but I sense that they put a little less carbonation in this unflavored La Croix than the others—just to give it that little bit extra minimal quality. It might be my imagination. Or, who knows, maybe every batch isn’t equal (the world is imperfect, so why not industrial food products?). I do find this pleasant, as inoffensive as any bottled water (which means delicious—since water is delicious). But personally, if I’m not going to drink a flavored carbonated water, I’d at least like to have a mineral water—and for me, the more minerally the better. (Well… up to a point.) There was a time—back in the bad old days—when your only option was sugary soda-pop… or club soda (or seltzer water). I drank a lot of the plain stuff—and that was in the days when I still drank beer, wine, brandy, rum, bourbon, gin, vodka, scotch, and tequila! Why would I want to drink this now? Yet there is a market for it. Who is the drinker of La Croix “Pure” sparking water? I’m guessing it’s the person who’s fed up with everything—just needing a break from it all. Or maybe someone who tried a string of the bad, perfumy flavored waters and just said, “no.” Or maybe you’re one of those people for whom cilantro tastes like soap. Or maybe your name is Larry David.

6.29.24

Hoptonic – Sparkling Earl Grey Black Tea

I wasn’t anticipating a mystery when I sampled this can of sparkling Earl Grey tea (Yaupon tea) flavored with hops. I looked it up online, of course, and found a website with entirely different looking cans, and no address. The one I have comes from Berkeley, and it’s in a stylish blue and green can with a drawing of tea leaf (I assume). The other one, on my screen, same product description but different can design altogether! Did two companies come up with the same name and product simultaneously? That’s what I’m assuming—and there is a webpage for the one I have—but then I see a web address on the can—and it’s the website of the other one! Grand mystery indeed! Anyway, there’s no mystery that this one is really good. It’s only mildly hoppy, and mildly Earl Grey, as well, but still quite delicious. In the glass, light brown, and a modest head—it would pass for a brewski. So if you’re, like, at the pub, and self-conscious (neither of those describes me, but still), you could drink this—and as your peers become less inhibited, a little dumb, and sloppy, you’ll just be getting more alert and more calm—serene, even—not to mention refreshed, and heathy, and smart. (Though, maybe not smart enough to solve this baffling conundrum!) I will keep an eye out for that other one (or other can) by the way.

6.25.24