Nixie – Pomegranate Green Tea

With 15mg caffeine! Does pomegranate contain caffeine? No. Is 15mg a lot? Or, like, hardly worth mentioning? Another Nixie—I still would like to try them all! It’s too floral—is that really what pomegranates taste like, or is this a “flavor,” and pomegranates are for show? Hard to say, unless I buy some pomegranates and hold taste tests. Later. Trying it again—it’s OK—I don’t mind it, I could drink this. The can is good, but strange—nice colors and a metallic pink-orange and dark green, and the excellent “Nixie” logo. But the pomegranate drawings are very weird. Pomegranates that are opened up, with the little red pods, but it looks more like a random pomegranate photo than a stylized drawling—or maybe they designed the can with AI! You notice the lack of an aesthetic sense—or any good sense at all! If I didn’t know better, I’d think the pictures were of some kind of a baked good. And if not that, maybe some kind of a dissected animal! So, yeah, I’m thinking, this very much looks like it was designed with AI—you’re seeing this more and more—a look that no human could possibly think looks good AT ALL. Soon, our entire aesthetic is going to be irrevocably warped—but I’m not worried about that—after all, look at the current state of automobiles, architecture, and ART. We are already pretty much screwed along those lines. One more AI designed sparkling water can isn’t going to sink the ship—the ship is already sinking.

No. 135 – 1.7.26

Bubly – Bellini Bliss

This is, I believe, the second Bellini flavored water I’ve sampled—and I think I liked the other one better—I’ll have to check my notes. I had to look up the Bellini Cocktail again to see what it is. Okay—Prosecco and peach (for those of you who’ve just been quaffin’ ’em down without knowin’ what’s in ’em). This version, I’m sad to report, tastes like vomit. Vomit coming up—which is, hopefully, the only way you’re tasting vomit! Coming up. For all I know, the cocktail might recall vomit as well—maybe it’s something people get nostalgic for. Vomiting, I mean—after all, people are nostalgic for The Nineties. I want to be excited about all the fake cocktail waters… but this one… no. The can says: “peach, pineapple, mango flavors”—yeah, those, together—sounds vomity to me. It’s funny, the can has a bit of a pinkish vomit hue, as well. Or else, the color of garbage, in some old comic books I remember (once in a while, someone had to depict garbage, and they went with this odd pink color). I do really like the name, though—it just has some poetry to it—like, Bobby Petrino and Bo Pelini and Bubba Zanetti and Cundalini and a girl I met in Fayetteville named Bubly Bellini Bliss.

No. 134 – 12.30.25

Trader Joe’s – Pineapple

Exactly what you’d expect—or, I expected—but at least it was on sale! Water has gotten more expensive, for no good reason, just because everything else has, and I guess it wants to keep up with the Joneses. So it’s always nice to get some on sale. I’m not a big fan of Trader Joe’s can design (you can do better, guys!) and I’ve never been a fan of pineapple water. I don’t hate it. It just doesn’t do anything for me. I suppose I’d like it better if you threw a little rum in it. Do I make that same Holden Caulfield joke every time I review coconut or pineapple water? I probably do, and I’m probably going to continue to do so!

No. 133 – 12.24.25

Peñafiel – Mineral Water

Bought this at Cermak, relatively cheap, under $2. It’s in a plastic bottle with a screw-top. I’ve never seen this brand before—it’s from Mexico. According to the internet, it’s a really old one, but they have been since been acquired by this or that conglomeration. (I feel like making a comic, fake company, combining the names of two or three incongruous organizations or companies—like Keurig Dr. Pepper, for example—but those things exist in reality—like Red Bull Pop-Tarts—so are pretty much impervious to satire, on that level!) Anyway, I was examining the bottle and… the top popped off, with little help from me—like maybe someone had opened it in the store. I hate that, not that I’m so paranoid about it. But you’re used to needing an athletic specialist to open most things. So, I looked up if there were any recalls on this water and saw there was a recall on some, a few years back—for excessive arsenic levels. But that was like 6 years ago—plus, arsenic isn’t bad for you, right? Also, if you look up any product, there has been a recall at some time or another, recorded on the weird wild web, as part of history—but no one even knew about it at the time, because… how would they know? Anyway, it’s a tasty sparkling mineral water, just minerally enough—not crazy level, like some. I see they also make some flavored waters—didn’t see those, but I might, some day—the usuals, but also, Apple, which I really want to look for—just because of the lack of apple flavored water, generally.

No. 132 – 12.18.25

Maison Perrier – Ultimate

There was a time when if you didn’t want to drink sugary soft drinks, your choice was, then: Perrier or tap-water. There were more, of course—but that’s not far from it. Perrier had a kind of rich person stigma, and I guess it was relatively pricey. Like everything else, it’s been declining over the years—at some point bought by Nestlé—not necessarily a bad thing, but still. Now, of course, it’s just siphoned from Parisian toilets—and sometimes they forget to flush—those French! I’m just kidding—I think it still comes from the same spring—those springs last forever! But now—didn’t see this happen—but it seems like they’ve gone totally nuts and are going full-on into the fancy pants water and weird flavor revolution. They’re now “Maison Perrier”—is that rebranding or just moving up the alphabet? I tried to make sense of what’s on their website, but it almost gave me a seizure, so I figure I’ll just wait and see what shows up in the store. This one is called “Ultimate”—and why not. It’s sparkling water—not super minerally, but some, and I have to say, very delicious! It’s in one of those tall skinny cans – but not quite 12 oz – it’s 330ml – which is 11.15 oz. Kind of a flat green and silver can, a real classy look. It’s got an “adult” look to it, so say, this might be your thing if you’re at an art opening and don’t want to look like Pablo McFruity with your La Croix Pomegranate Razz-Berry Jizz. Not something that ever bothers, me, personally—I’m like 86 years old—but for the young art-stars in progress, image is everything.

No. 131 – 12.3.25

Founders – Hoppy Mood

At first I thought, “Not enough hops,” too subtle. But it’s nice that a hop water (or any sparkling water) has the boldness to be light and subtle, breezy and barely there—that’s one of the things I like about this! And then my next taste, and next can, I could taste it more—there’s plenty of hops—and it’s a particularly nice hop flavor balance, too. This is from Founders Brewing, in Grand Rapids, just across the pond from Milwaukee. No wait, the Atlantic Ocean is “the pond”—so what’s Lake Michigan, that emphasizes how relatively small it is, you know, compared to the Pacific? Maybe it’s just Lake Michigan. Of course, if we go forward with the plans to rename it Lake Wisconsin, that might make it hard to obtain this Hoppy Mood, since it’ll all be a warzone, and that’d be too bad, because it’s good. In a pretty, light blue can, and on the other side from the name there’s an odd drawing—it looks like a woman (though, could be a man) with either a hop hat, or else it’s a personified hop cluster, wearing clothes, and dancing, listening to music through earphones and a phone. Oddly, the person doesn’t have hands, but instead paddles—where hands should be. Is that just because hands are hard to draw? Or are future people going to have paddles? No need for fingers, since we have AI, I guess.

No. 130 – 11.12.25

HOP WTR – Ruby Red Grapefruit

If I went to a party, or say, an art opening, and there was pretty much every sparkling water and hop water there to choose from, I very well might grab one of these HOP WTR brand cans—all caps, I guess—they have several flavors on their website. This is the first I’ve tried, and it’s excellent. It’s not red—the grapefruit is flavor, not juice—though it is subtly tan or yellow, from the hops—and the flavor is an excellent balance. It’s very delicious. Also, there’s drugs. No, it’s not one of those weed drinks sweeping the nation, but it does contain “adaptogens and nootropics”—which is something I’m going to have to look up, but later. Here’s the ingredients, besides the carbonated water and ascorbic acid—natural flavors (that’d be the grapefruit), Citra, Amarillo, Mosaic, and Azacca Hops, Ashwagandha (“To destress & unwind”), and L-Theanine (“For mood & cognitive performance”). I’m quoting what the can says about those last two—I know people have varying opinions about both—but I seem to be in agreement, because I have both in pill form and believe they help me. And I’m of the opinion the hops also have some mildly mood-altering properties—all of which make this one pretty much a home run. I’ll have to see if I can find it again—as well as their other flavors—they’ve got an intense website you can check out. As far as the price goes—maybe not cheap, I’m not sure—honestly, I haven’t paid much attention to sparkling water and hop water prices, since I’m always looking to buy something new to try, and it’s all for the article, and science. Price is relative—it’s more expensive than tap water, but it’s decidedly cheaper than anything with alcohol, and those fancy new weed drinks—so there you go.

No. 129 – 11.3.25

Trader Joe’s – Winter Sangria

My most memorable experience drinking sangria was when, due to excess, I punched a glass pane of the French doors, cut my hand, and bled! This was a-while ago. My first Trader Joe’s water, maybe? The can is nothing special—but it does remind me of something—some kind of adult entity—like medicine or motor oil—I’m probably way off. I’ll come back to that. Maybe. My first thought, upon tasting, is that this is just glorified cherry—and you know what I think about the flavor, “cherry!” But haven’t I come around to cherry, lately? That’s beside the point. The point is, this should taste like sangria—or specifically—“Winter” sangria—which is? It’s a variation on sangria, and like sangria, there are as many different recipes and variations as there are swinging dicks in bartender school. And some, no doubt, include cherries. It’s a fruity mixture, no matter how you look at it, but still, it’s a red wine base—so I want this to taste more like red wine than fruit—but maybe that’s not realistic. And sure, the more of this I drink—because the flavor is pretty subtle—the more I like it—especially if I keep thinking: “Winter Sangria!” Because—as is the case with all this sparkling water—the imagination is always at play and has an enormous amount to do with its eventual success.

No. 128 – 10.19.25

Good & Gather – Peach Bellini

Did I say delicious? Good flavor I can’t put my finger on it. Definitely some peach, but the peach isn’t overwhelming, because I didn’t think “peach—yikes! —that’s really peach-barf-ola!” (That overwhelming, overbearing, oppressive artificial peach!) I must have been distracted by the “Bellini”—whatever that is—that’s responsible for a lot of the flavor. But I have to look it up, because that’s a cocktail that had its comeback, apparently, after I had quit drinking! The can design is not bad—big metallic peaches and raspberries over a silver background—the text really tiny and almost unreadable. But what is the “Bellini?” It’s a cocktail from Venice (Italy, not the bar in Kent, Ohio) that’s made with peach puree and Prosecco—which is a wine (had to look that up too). Pretty specific, I guess. I wonder if some asshole has come up with a “Chocolate Bellini” yet. Well, I’m kind of sorry I missed that one—just in that it’s a bit exotic and classic sounding and not too gross—on the other hand, a little fruity—but who knows. Anyway, now I’ve got this water, at least—but how close it comes to the Bellini cocktail is up for debate—but I won’t be joining in on that one. I’ve had enough of being ostracized for being a teetotaler!

No. 127 – 10.14.25

Kroger – Lemon

Three shades of metallic yellow, on the can, is nice. That logo, though—pay a graphic design student 50 bucks to come up with something that makes sense. If you can’t decide on a flavor, why not lemon? And this version of lemon is fine. It’s not fair to pick on Kroger Water Division (but is there such a thing?) just because my local grocery store is owned by Kroger, and it’s a terrible place. Well, it used to be owned by Roundy’s, but now Kroger, and it’s my least favorite grocery store in my experience—yet I keep trying to go there with a smile (it’s across the street, so close, and also, I don’t have a car)—yet, every time, I leave angry. Usually, I buy something on sale and don’t get the sale price. Other times, I’m confused by the advertised price—they do sneaky things so fool you. Why do you want to piss off your customers? Besides that, half of the time what I go there for is not stocked. Also, it’s not a big store, and a good third of the place is taken up with alcohol. But the worst thing of all—at one point, they stopped having shopping baskets whatsoever. They have carts, of course, but no baskets, like every other grocery store. But like I said, all of this should have no bearing on their sparkling water, which is certainly respectable.

No. 126 – 10.2.25

CForce – Premium Artesian Water

A tall, liter bottle—not sure what “C” stand’s for—Chuck Norris? It’s his wife’s company, and her name is Gina—but you couldn’t call it “GForce”—since that’s a thing—so, I don’t know. Chuck’s picture (small) is at the top of the label. According to a note on the bottle, the water erupts from 23,000-year-old volcanic rock that’s deep underneath Chuck & Gina’s Lone Wolf Ranch! If you want a good laugh, look at the “photo” on the homepage of their website (as of 9.28.25, things change)—it looks like a big, white, tractor barn with apartment complex windows. Whenever I see something that makes no sense (aesthetically) whatsoever, I suspect AI—but who knows. Anyway, the water tastes very good. It’s a still water, apparently naturally alkaline—which, I guess, means, to the layman, delicious. I believe it does come from those deep rocks, but even if it’s from the sink in Chuck’s guest bathroom, it’s tasty—nothing weird, just water—which, if you think about it, is weird—and the most valuable thing on Earth!

No. 125 – 9.28.25

Klarbrunn – Black Cherry

Why does “Black Cherry” sound so much better than “Cherry”—I mean, both for the fruit and the water. It’s a kind of cherry, sure, but I think it sounds more like an actual fruit, while simply “cherry,” you think maraschino cherry, or Cherry Kool-Aid, or Popsicle, or toilet cleaner. It doesn’t always work for food, but the black prefix often does work to enhance: black beans, black olives, black bread, black coffee. In some cases, though, it means something else, say, black banana. Ready to make into banana bread! And sometimes, not good at all—black orange, black celery, black water, black cheese. But in some cases, it may well be intriguing: black vitamins, black rice, black mushrooms, black whiskey. Well, I wish this water was actually black. Someday, they’ll be able to pull that off.

No. 124 – 9.25.25

Bubly – Grapefruit

Not a bad grapefruit flavor at all—it’s subtle, but as I said before, with grapefruit, you want it to be subtle. Am I a broken record here? Grapefruit is everyone’s favorite sparkling water, whether or not it’s got a French name. Talking about French—I was trying to think of a way to describe the otherworldly color of this can, a standout feature, here, and it just occurred to me that it’s a metallic version of French salad dressing. That weird orange you never see in nature, unless you include dumpsters as part of nature. I suppose it’s the uncomfortable mix of several garbage items into a sickly orange mess. Maybe that’s why you never see French dressing anymore—it’s a thing of the past! And what made it French in the first place? The other place I’ve noticed this particular orange (I mean, the not-metallic-version of it) was in the Sad Sack comic books, which were about a hapless sailor who constantly gets into trouble. There were always some misadventures involving gross bucketfuls of slop, or garbage, and I’ll never forget it—they used pretty much this shade of orange to depict it!

No. 123 – 9.17.25

Kroger – Peach

The good thing about this water is that it’s not bad. The bad thing about it is that it’s not good. Well… peach. At least it’s not peach schnapps. But then again, nothing compares to the flavor of a fresh peach, of course—but you’d think they’d at least be able to get near the neighborhood of the ballpark. And then there’s Richards Triple Peach wine—what I once considered to the pinnacle of peach flavored products—yet, it’s long been off the market (I think). It’s funny that they keep trying. With the peach flavor, I mean. Several waters have tried. And why no banana water? There have been banana popsicles. But no peach popsicles. None of it makes any sense whatsoever. Anyway, this one—the flavor is okay, but a little off, it seems to me. But I can drink it. And enjoy it. I’m not crazy about Kroger in general, I guess, since they bought my neighborhood grocery store and have done a poor job running it. That’s as mild as I can put it. I realize that’s not supposed to affect my reviews of water. And, well… these cans—the Kroger logo, and big blue circle that says: SELT / ZER / Water. They should do a contest in someone’s 2nd Grade art class to come up with a better can design—it’d be a slam dunk. I mean… it would take some real doing to come up with a worse can design!

No. 122 – 9.11.25

Simple Truth – Prickly Pear

Trying this, it’s a little weird—kind of tropical? What IS prickly pear—well, cactus, everyone knows that—but what’s special about it? You can read about it all day if you want—or maybe you have a friend who won’t shut up about Prickly Pear. Anyway, it’s not “pear”—and I still want a Pear Water (not pear in combination, just pear—haven’t seen it yet). I bought a whole box of this, cheap. It’s the tall, thin cans—which is neither here nor there, anymore. They didn’t go easy on the “natural flavors” with this one—you smell it as soon as you open the can—as if Mr. Prickly Pear has entered the room, sporting antique pince-nez. I’m still not convinced I love the flavor, but I do like the idea, so what that makes me think of is… what’s the name for the prickly pear cartoon mascot—you know, like, “Freckle Face Strawberry” and “Goofy Grape?” (Those were Funny Face drinks, from the Sixties, in case you don’t remember.) The internet says its real name is “Opuntia”—but try to sell a water with that name! And it’s a cactus! It is fruity, however, fruit o’ the cactus, thus fragrant. Mascot name? How about, Irwin Prickly Pear?! Not going for the obvious.

No. 121 – 9.3.25

Waterloo – Pi-ño Colada

Another in the new(ish—again, this was last summer!) Waterloo non-alcoholic series (I don’t want to say “mocktail” or cocktail—neither accurate). It’s best to just be specific—this is a non-alcoholic sparkling water flavored to emulate a cocktail, specifically the Piña Colada—traditionally a mixture of pineapple, coconut, and rum. One of my favorite high-school-age drinks—I especially enjoyed them at the beach! Another excellent maximalist can—yellow, white, and metallic tan—images of pineapples, coconuts, sliced coconuts with a cocktail umbrella, palm trees, some kind of flower, and cocktail glasses with umbrellas. They’re totally overdoing it, but I like it (along with the cute name). Also, a couple of badges boldly proclaiming: “NON Alcoholic.” I was, however, literally dreading tasting this one. Why? Because I’ve had some dreadful pineapple coconut concoction waters in the recent past (don’t remember which). So, imagine my surprise—totally delicious! It really is. And it really does remind me of a Piña Colada. It’s the closet I’ve come since I quit drinking last century. I’m starting to think Waterloo is king of the complex flavors. All three of these new (again, last summer) ones are fine. My quick estimation of what they did right is: underplayed the rum (I don’t know if I taste any rum, but maybe a hint—yeah, must be) and then the coconut is much more prominent than the pineapple—it’s real coconutty—and it’s a good coconut flavor. But it’s the right proportions of all the flavors—a real triumph in the fake cocktail world.

No. 120 – 8.28.25

Third Space Brewing – Mosaic Lime Hop Water

I bought this one at the pathetic Metro Market—the sorry grocery store across the street—that I’ve adapted to—no thanks to them! (I know, I know, I am thankful to have a grocery store so close! But no shopping baskets—WTF?) This hop water is too expensive (like $8, and there’s not even any weed juice in it! —well, honestly, that’s not bad for a six-pack of hop water, these days). After not much loving that other Third Space (Lemon and Citra Hops, I think it was), I can report that I like this one more, right off the bat, because it’s more hoppy. It’s still pretty citrus-y, like their other one, but it’s better. It’s Mosaic hops, I guess, and lime flavor, though it tastes as much like lime as anything. Not my favorite hop water. Too bad, because it’s a Milwaukee entry, and it’s in the grocery store that I can get to sleepwalking. Nice can and logo, too. They nailed the artwork. Still, too citrus-y for me. But I’d drink it at a party—and not complain—at least not about the beverage.

No. 119 – 8.24.25

Galvanina – Sparkling Mineral Water

I had a similar bottle of water by this company—their Lemon version—it’s from Italy. I believe I like this one a little better, just because it’s a straight-up delicious mineral water and I can definitely taste the mineral flavor, and it’s a good one. The carbonation is added. This came in a very simple, plastic, half-liter bottle. I would prefer if it wasn’t plastic, and I would prefer a liter while we’re at it—I have a feeling that’s exactly what I said about the previous one. It’s interesting, it boasts “Low Mineral Content” on the label—which at first, I thought was odd (for a mineral water—I’m kind of one of those “the more the better” people, even when it’s unwise). But it makes sense that someone with a low-sodium diet would prefer a low-mineral-content water. Also, I’ve recently had a couple super-heavy, intense mineral-content waters that were on the verge of being unpleasant. Or for some, probably not on the verge, but nasty. I could drink those, but I definitely prefer this water—it’s mellow and good.

No. 118 – 8.17.25

Waterloo – Mojito Mocktail

Once again, a water review from thirteen months ago—why has it taken me so long? A lot of water, I guess, and not just under the bridge! That gives me an idea. I’m going to open a sparkling water bar—and sell exclusively flavored sparkling water and mineral water—no alcohol. I’ll hire a world class architect to capture the idea of water… in a building! Is that Frank Gehry still around? He is, at press time, not a young man, but this would be an easy knock-off for him—and I’ll be able to afford it because it’ll be located in some of that empty space under the Hoan Bridge—in fact, the city will pay me to build something there! A bar that sells no alcohol! —and they said it couldn’t be done in Milwaukee! And the name of the place will be: Water Under the Bridge! *(I’m sure someone’s thought of that, somewhere, it’s too easy—and the N/A and water bars have been trendy for a while now—but I did just think of this, so I’m going to claim “the internet is down” so I can’t research it—plus, it’s certain to be a counterintuitive sell, here in Sudsville-Hoptown-Day-Drinking City.) Anyway, here is the complete, unadulterated, year-old text of my original review:

One of three recent Waterloo fake alcohol sparkling waters—I hope these aren’t just seasonal—like for summer—because don’t people like to drink all year ’round? This one is not bad, but I don’t like it nearly as much as the “All Day Rose.” It’s got a slight rum flavor, and I’m not sure about the mint. It’s interesting—I recently tried the La Croix Mojito, which I didn’t like at all. But this one seems like it’s much subtler with the flavor, so maybe that’s the key (at least for me). But with both of them, I most notice the rum, and not mint or lime, at all—maybe that rum flavor is just overpowering. Both of them are a little weird. At the time I quit drinking, many years ago, I’d not yet ever had a real Mojito, so I can’t compare my memory of it with this water. And I’m not going to start drinking again so I can compare them. The other thing I’m not going to do is head-to-head compare the La Croix and this Waterloo—not falling for that nonsense! So it’s gonna have to be subjective memory—though, at least in this case, it’s only been a week apart. Where the Waterloo is a clear winner is the can design. The La Croix Mojito can looks a little like a movie poster for “Assholes in Paradise.” But this Waterloo one is beautiful deep purples and greens, with nice graphics of limes and mint leaves, and best of all, an intricate, tiny, highball glass with sliced limes and mint leaves—pretty inspired. That picture alone could be a slippery-slope alcoholic trigger, so watch it!

No. 117 – 8.12.25

La Croix – Sunshine

Finally hit the jackpot and found a 12-pack of this water—weird that you can’t find it! (Maybe you can, in your town, or at your store—but not here!) The funny thing is, the first can I drank was immediately followed by one of those “ocular” migraines—that slowly growing, throbbing, colorful electric, jagged, semi-circular shape the renders one semi-blind—you can’t read anything on a screen (much less type). Could it be from this water! I hope not! But with subsequent tastings, no problem. Sunshine! You can’t beat the name. But what is the flavor? Certainly not sun, or light ray, or, unless I’m mistaken, any kind of flower. I’m thinking—a bit fruity—maybe bubblegum or “juicyfruit”—that elusive flavor—what other incarnation does that undefined fruit essence take the form of? Cotton candy, perhaps. The can has sunflowers on it! On a background of sky blue—lighter at the bottom and darker toward the top, indicating a blue sky. It’s also the color of Blue Moon ice cream, which is interesting, because the flavor could very well be very close to that flavor—which is kind of fruity, with something extra, possibly subtly nutty and/or vanilla. I can imagine that, in this water—though it’s definitely not overt! This is, like, blue water—without it actually being blue. It’s very light, that’s for sure. Anyway, it could all be in keeping with the theme—Sun and Moon, flowers and fruit, sky—lightness and depth. Pretty clever all around!

No. 116 – 8.7.25