La Croix – Orange

Can you think of a more pedestrian sparkling water than La Croix Orange? I’m picking on La Croix because it’s the Starbucks of water. Ubiquitous, as is the flavor, orange. Everyone (but me) has orange juice in their fridge. Orange. The color. The flavor. The fruit. Boring. Weirdly, orange soda (aka soda pop) isn’t so common—the big one was Orange Crush—but that was back… I don’t know when it came out, but when I was growing up, we always had Orange Crush. I preferred Grape Crush. Which gets me thinking—Coca-Cola is still the most common soft drink (though, I suppose it’s been dethroned by Diet Coke, due to the space aliens among us). But anyway, here’s an amazing idea for a sparkling water I haven’t yet seen (and possibly hasn’t been yet invented)—Cola flavored sparkling water. That would be weird, right? And I think way popular. Or maybe too weird. *(Note: I wrote that on December 13, 2023, when I started this review! That’s how far behind I am in posting these! And, since… I have finally found cola flavored water—just a couple of weeks ago—and still have some in my fridge. Made by, who else, La Croix. It’s called either “NiCola” or “la Cola”—the can is confusing! Well, I’ll get to it eventually.) As far as this La Croix Orange? They nailed the orange flavor, I’ve got to say, so it’s refreshing and delicious! *(Note: I’ve sold out: La Croix sent a gratis 12-pack over here to HQ—accompanied by a scantily dressed young woman—along with a muscular hunk stripper young man in a tux—along with a chicken. Apparently, from the nature of my reviews, they couldn’t guess my sexual preference. At any rate, this business is finally paying off! I kept the chicken, a hen. I need the eggs.

4.23.25

Nixie – Watermelon Mint

Wins best can award! Metallic pink and green w/ flat white print highlighted with silver. Very dark green mint leaves hanging from top, and realistic looking watermelon slices with dark green and white rind, dark red flesh—kind of chaotic until you look at it. The Nixie logo is kind of weird—I guess retro—you don’t see logos like this. The flavor doesn’t knock me out like the can—it’s immediately a bit off-putting because it’s overly floral—kind of cloying. Is either watermelon or mint floral? I guess mint is, for sure. Watermelon is more earthy, right? I might not guess the flavors, blindfolded—certainly not the mint part. But then, that’s an interesting flavor combination—sounds like the makings for a cocktail. Is there any cocktail that uses watermelon as an ingredient? I mean, I know there is… but a common one? How about this: A lot of ice and fresh watermelon chunks in a big glass/ mint crushed on the bottom/ fill half with bourbon/ the other half with THIS WATER. Mint garnish. We could have a party to introduce the cocktail—and name it—something like: Mr. Mint-Jestyk Cocktail. The winner could go on TV, maybe throw out a pitch at a baseball game, and sing the National Anthem at a motocross event. OR… maybe you could just drink the water as is… on the way to your AA meeting.

4.17.25

Kroger Seltzer – Blackberry Citrus

I refuse to call it “seltzer water” because that’s redundant—perhaps their entire product is—the can sure looks like they’ve jumped (awkwardly) on the bandwagon. But just because Kroger owns and operates my absolutely dismal local grocery store, doesn’t mean I should be hard on their sparkling water division—after all, the more the better. This Blackberry Citrus is surprisingly good, I have to say, a good combination. Then, for no good reason, I was inspired to invent a new cocktail (based in some part on the success of “The Black Cow” cocktail—see: the Polar Black Cherry review). So… I happened to make a surplus of espresso yesterday, so I put an extra demitasse in the freezer and ended up with a nice little espresso ice cube. I merely poured a can of this Blackberry Citrus over it in a tall glass, and it foamed up nicely and turned very faint yellow. Then, as the espresso cube slowly melted, it made the drink increasingly yellow-brown and increasingly tasty. A cocktail that changes over the course of your drinking it! And surprisingly delicious, too. Another fine invention, which I named the: “Berry Black Cocktail.” Not NSFW, more or less!

4.8.25

La Croix – Passionfruit

Have I ever eaten the passionfruit? I must have, but I can’t remember, so even if I did, it doesn’t count. I would not even be able to identify one. I looked them up on the ol’ ’ternet—they look pretty cool—you cut them open, eat the juicy seeds. They come in several colors. The fruit is sweet—and it’s a good name. I can understand how they’d want to make a favored water just for the name alone. The flavor isn’t bad—I guess I’d say it tastes “tropical.” Tropical fruit flavored sparking water—a good thing. Passionfruit sparkling water—seems like it might be hot item. I’m not terribly excited about it, though. Why? I suppose since I don’t really know what passionfruit tastes like, I can’t translate that to the flavor of this water. There is no recognition factor, no nostalgia factor, no memory factor. For someone who grew up eating passionfruit—assuming they nailed the flavor—it might be a different story.

3.20.25

PurAqua Belle Vie Sparkling Water – Strawberry

Entirely too long and fancy of a name, when they could just have said “Aldi”—since this is the Aldi grocery store version of flavored sparkling water. “PurAqua” sounds like they stole it from a water filtration company and “Belle Vie” means some version of “the good life”—which is pretty funny considering what it is. On the other hand, why not. There seems to be a mini trend going here about not poisoning yourself, or at least cutting down on the poison. People will still naturally gravitate to poison. The strawberry flavor is good—it would be a shame to mix it up with some kind of liquor—don’t know what goes with sparkling strawberry—I suppose rum. Or, like me, you can just drink it straight. The can is silver with red lettering, a couple of strawberries, and a whole lot of what looks like red and pink paint splotches. It’s kind of nutty. Good job, Aldi.

3.6.25

Waterloo – Peach

Ahhhh… Peach. There’s a complicated one. It’s kind of like that friend who is not a friend. Or is that overstating it? As far as fruit goes, a ripe peach off a peach tree—there is nothing better (we had a peach tree in our back yard, when I was kid). It’s hard to get them at the right degree of ripeness though—they go from rock-hard to mushy… real fast. That’s part of the charm, though. I’m wondering to what degree peaches have evolved… I don’t really know. I’m not going to research peaches at this point. Remember Peaches record stores? They could make a comeback. Who’s got the keys? Anyway, the problem with peach is that there are some heinous artificial peach flavors out there, helping to define some heinous products—peach flavored tea, tobacco, “juice-drink,” and the worst—peach schnapps—which means, some particularly heinous cocktails. And now… sparkling water. The thing is, it’s not that bad. For one thing, they went easy on the flavor. Maybe it’s just a higher quality flavor, I don’t know, but either way, it’s fairly subtle. The other thing is, not being sweet actually helps. It’s kind of the contradiction with these sparkling waters. You remember that saying? “A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down.” Apparently, that was back before they made medicine sweet—before they put sugar in everything. It must have seemed pretty radical to make a soft drink with flavor but no sweetener whatsoever. But, I have to say, genius—is any single inventor credited? I think it was one of those things that originated simultaneously across a variety of test kitchens in Spain, France, Italy, Soho, my mom’s, etc.

2.5.25

Aura Bora – Lavender Cucumber

Here’s a new one, at least to me—saw four flavors at the store—Glorioso’s—I don’t shop there all the time, but when I do, I check out their cooler because they will often have some water I haven’t seen. I chose this one—sounded like a good combo, lavender flower extract, and natural cucumber flavor—and it is! It’s excellent—really a nice balance of those flavors, and plenty of it—but not too much, still subtle. Very good. The can is cute, one of those tall 12-ounce ones—it’s a pretty, pale lavender color, and there’s an elaborate cartoon scene on it, a campground, stream, and waterfall, and there is a hairy creature rowing a hollowed-out cucumber canoe. Should I know what this creature is? It’s pale orange, with six white triangles on its chest, and long claws—maybe a sasquatch? Or could it be their Aura Bora mascot? Since this is the first I’ve heard of this water, from San Francisco, and it’s excellent, I’ve got to check their website—good website! The main page is busy, but also kind of old-fashioned (for a website—perhaps “retro?”). It’s all cartoon—and every few seconds a different flavor pops into a little window, and with each one, the whole page changes! Or, if you don’t want to watch the show you can scroll down—let’s see, how many flavors currently on there? About 18—and I’m guessing they do seasonal and special edition flavors. I click on my choice, and it informs me that my cartoon creature is indeed a sloth! A sloth named Haiku. Does each flavor combo have a mascot? We’ll see! I’m hoping I can find more of these in town.

1.18.25

Klarbrunn – Bucky’s Cherry Berry

I vowed not to buy any more cherry flavored water—just because I’m not into cherry, as a flavor, and never have been. (Though… since I discovered that it mixes well with cold espresso to make a fine cocktail, I’ve come around, a bit.) But I bought this one because I was intrigued—why is it called Bucky’s? Also, is it cherry mixed with berry? And if so, which berry? (Cherry is not a berry—it’s a stone fruit—everyone knows that.) Let me taste it again—either it’s berry only in name, or the cherry overwhelms the berry. It just tastes like cherry. The Bucky part is because some of the proceeds go to some charitable cause, thanks to U. of Wisconsin and Klarbrunn (they are neighbors). So that’s nice, and it explains the weird illustration of the Wisconsin Badger mascot on the can—the cutest of all college sports mascots. Why is he called Bucky? His full name is Buckingham Ulysses Badger—thus “Bucky.” Personally, I would have gone with a different, perhaps “cuter” name. Ideas? Benny Badger. That’s good—not Bobby or Billy, though. How about Bootsy Badger? Or maybe Rodger Badger, or Beauford, or Glenn.

1.9.25

Waterloo – Spiced Apple

Well, I’ve got to admit, this one is weird. You can’t fault them for going for it. It’s wacky. I’m not sure it tastes that much like apple—well, I suppose so. Does anyone make just plain apple? They should. Before there were all these nutso unsweetened waters, that one Mexican soda, Sidral, was one of my favorites—it’s apple soda, and comes in a glass bottle with an apple design—but the best thing is it’s not overly sweet (like, say, Jarritos)—very delicious. And… apple! Where is the apple water? Well, here. But it’s “Spiced” apple—I’m guessing this is a seasonal flavor—and the season is autumn. It also got me thinking, why all the spiced bullshit in fall? I know it goes along with “holiday” foods—specifically pumpkin pie—but aren’t those spices good all year around? But then I told myself, just shut up and enjoy the fact that some things are still seasonal. That fact that there are at least a few things you don’t do all year around definitely adds to their charm. I’m not sure what all the spices are, but I think I taste cinnamon (which is the major spice of all the “holiday” spices). But maybe something else, too, but I don’t know—I suppose some ginger would make sense. What it kind of tastes like, to me, is cooked, even burnt, apple—or burnt sugar, plus apple. This initially struck me as gross, but I’ve got to admit, through the process of tasting one can of it, it’s growing on me.

12.12.24

Noon Whistle – Hop Water

Excellent 16 ounce can—it’s deep blue with huge, stylized, bright metallic green hop leaves—very weird looking—and the “Hop Water” in the same green with the scary, rotting, dripping, monster font. This comes from the Noon Whistle Brewing Company—the can says Lombard and Naperville, Illinois, which are western suburbs of Chicago. The hop flavor is quite bold—not like any I’ve yet tasted—I mean, it tastes exactly like hops, and hop water, but different, too. Am I becoming a connoisseur of hops? Well, not yet. I don’t have the vocabulary to really describe it—among the hop waters—and I certainly can’t compare it, rank it, or judge it—except to say, yes, it is delicious. Maybe bolder in flavor and a little more bitter than some others I’ve had. Not real subtle—a good amount of personality. I’ll buy this one again, for sure. I’m finally trying it at the beginning of October (2023!), which seems appropriate for a harvest-time drink—and doubly appropriate for the spooky season with the spooky-looking can label. I don’t have trick or treaters coming to my place, since I’m in an apartment building—but if I did, I’d be uncomfortable giving the kids candy, since I don’t eat it myself. Apples are out. I wonder if it would be okay to give kids cans of sparkling water—I don’t see why not. So, it’s fun to imagine getting a case of this stuff and giving it out to kids on Halloween—I wonder if they’d hate it. I bet it’d be okay with Charlie Brown!

11.27.24

Waterloo – Raspberry Nectarine

Nicely understated flavor—especially good restraint, considering the flavors at hand. It could easily be too perfumy, but it’s not—it’s fine. While I’m not crazy about how these sparkling waters pair raspberry with everything—at least Waterloo doesn’t spell it with a “z.” And in this case, maybe it’s good not to attempt a straight nectarine water because nectarines are a little weird. I mean, they’re good, of course, but a Nectarine water could be weird. Though I’d like to try it. The can is attractive, as all Waterloo ones are, with that Old-West font, but there’s something about this one—the fruit illustrations—that strikes me as odd. There’s a slice of nectarine, leaning back, and it front of it, two red raspberries, seemingly attached. If you use your imagination, you could picture the raspberries as eyes and the nectarine as a nose. Or… something more sexual might come to mind. Maybe it’s the way the nectarine is sliced, or the holes in the raspberries—I don’t know. I’m not saying everyone is going to see this particular fruit depiction and think “sex”—but I’d be surprised if it hasn’t crossed some people’s minds.

11.21.24

Hoplark Sparkling Water – with Citra Hops

I thought I had written about this one, but I guess not! It was waiting for me in the refrigerator all summer! It’s delicious—a good one. They describe it as a “Citrus Forward Hop Experience.” I can see that. I think I’ve had Citra hops from some other hop water, but I’m not sure. Anyway, the real point here is—after I’ve tried a lot of different bands of hop water, I’ve determined that Hoplark is my favorite. *(Since the time I wrote the first draft of this review, I’ve found a real challenger to that statement, but that’s only a good thing!) Not by much, as they’re all good, but all of the Hoplark varieties have a pronounced hop flavor—like they’re not afraid of the hops—that’s the point! And they seem to have a good balance or something—well, nothing off-putting about any of them. This one is really good. In a limited world, if this was the only hop water I could get, I’d be okay with that. (After all, it wasn’t that long ago when “hop water” wasn’t even in the dictionary!) In an UNLIMITED world, I’d be able to find this damn stuff easier. If you’re coming over to my house for dinner and can’t decide whether to bring white wine or red? Just bring a case of this! And you’ll be asked back, welcome anytime, and won’t have to help with the dishes!

11.13.24

365 Whole Food Market – Ginger

Hey! This one is nice. Not overboard with the ginger (not that I’d mind). Just a reasonable ginger sparkling water—resisting the temptation to mix it was other shit (Ginger Lemon, Ginger Lime, Ginger This, Ginger That, Ginger Fuck). THIS IS THE ONE I WANT. THIS IS IT… for ginger, I mean. It’s just too bad this 365 Whole Foods Market brand feels like “generic”—I’m sorry if grocery store brands bum me out a little. On the other hand… it could be better. I want more ginger!

10.26.24

Lagunitas Brewing Co. – Hoppy Refresher with Blood Orange

Hops with blood orange. Do I taste it—the blood orange—in there? I’m not sure. It’s good, at any rate. The slightly edgier brother-in-law of Hoppy Refresher with Berry + Lemon—though, really, much the same—delicious, refreshing, not quite hoppy enough, and not quite blood-orange-y enough. I guess I’m saying I could do with more flavor. Is subtlety its own flavor? I guess you could say that’s true—or is that like saying “boring is good because at least it’s not monstrous.” But we’re not talking about politicians here—this is hop water! But first… what exactly is “blood orange?” It certainly sounds cool! You know what a blood orange is. It’s an orange whose insides have a deep, crimson, poppy, fire-engine, amaranth, scarlet, carmine, cardinal—or let’s just say, blood-red color—brought on by the orchard’s proximity to leaking nuclear reactors. Not to be confused “orange blood”—which is simply another name for “Type O.” Oh boy. Ridiculous-wrong-information-starts-here-dot-com.

10.17.24

Bubly – Mango

I really like the can! It’s actually a metallic mango color—they got the shade of orange just right. The white “Bubly” logo barely shows up, which is impressive—in fact you can barely make out any of the printing except for a small, darker orange “mango.” The pull-tab is also metallic orange—a quirky choice—so you know you’re dealing with a classy enterprise (though it also says “sup” on the pull-tab, which is dumb—though this is a minor quibble). I was a little surprised that I actually liked this water fine. It does taste like mango, but it doesn’t have any of the a-little-bit off-putting flavor that mango sometimes has (I’m not sure if this is some mango, or if it’s just me not having eaten mangos from childhood). How about it? It’s good! It’s kind of like a mango lassi without the lassi (silly to even say that). Though, maybe, in the flavor department, they actually did work in very, very subtle additional flavors—the bite of yogurt, and whatever spices a lassi might have, like cardamom. Well, however they arrived at it, this is a pretty successful flavored sparkling water.

9.26.24

Jelly Belly – Juicy Pear

I was half expecting this to taste like anything but pear—after all, I don’t eat a lot of pears. Does anyone? I know someone does—some people who love them more than anything. Why don’t I eat more pears? I guess it’s hard to find them ripe enough… and not too ripe. A few years ago, I got some really good ones at a farmers’ market—from a guy with an orchard (Ela Orchard, south of here) who also had good apples. Pears have such a distinctive flavor—and this water does a good job capturing that. It really tastes like pears! It maybe has a slight hint of something else, too, I’m not sure, but it’s really good, regardless. I’m sure in a blindfold test I’d say “pear.” It’s not subtle, either—plenty of flavor. And my burps taste like pear, which is delightful. It’s a nice can, too, green and white, with that kind of retro “Jelly Belly” logo. I’d make this one of my regulars, but I have a hard time finding it anywhere. I think I got it at the Cermak grocery store. One more thing—I like how they call it “Juicy Pear” instead of just “Pear”—it implies a very ripe pear, which has more flavor—and… is there anything more juicy than a juicy pear? I think not! That’s one of those questions that, if anyone answers other than: “No!” they’re just being a smartass. Not of this Earth!

9.12.24

Waterloo – Ginger Citrus Twist

Shocking, in that I don’t like it. That’s a big surprise—I’ve liked every other Waterloo, and every other ginger sparkling water—what went wrong here? It’s weird—it almost tastes sweet. I had to double-check the ingredients—but no sugar. I’m almost wondering if they accidentally messed up a batch. Anyway, it does taste like ginger, but not very much, and it does taste a little citrusy, but not much—what the hell? The thing it reminds me of most is those antacids—Brioschi, and Galeffi—the Italian effervescente that I have on hand, currently. Kind of, but not really. Anyway, something medicinal about it. Well… it’s not horrible… I can drink it. Maybe my expectations were too high. I would save the rest of it for guests—that wouldn’t be rude—anyone might really like this. So that’s what I’d do with the rest of it—that is, if I ever had guests! Another funny thing—the picture on the can—while, if you really look, you can tell it’s a piece of ginger and twists of lemon and lime—but it took me awhile—and at first, I thought it was a piece of popcorn! Which made no sense. But when you look even more closely, it actually looks more like a misshapen turkey!

9.5.24

Richard’s – Sparkling Rainwater

I am totally willing to take it on faith that this is actually rainwater. If, in fact, it is ever proven otherwise (I don’t know why I’m even thinking that—trust in people!)—well, I’d be rather disappointed. It’s very good, but really tastes no different than plain, sparkling water—at least to my palette. But anyway, the really spectacular thing here is that it comes in a bottle, and there’s an excellent label. It’s a clear, 12-ounce bottle—in the shape of a longneck beer bottle—though, when I hold it, it seems smaller—I guess it’s been a long time since I handled a longneck beer—I guess I’ve gotten bigger. The label is white, very simple, nice choice of fonts—and the main thing is the letter “R”—stylized, looking like a hurricane swirl—made up of a rainbow of colors. On the right side of the R is a raindrop, same colors, which also functions as an apostrophe (appropriate, because there’s one in Richard’s). It’s a really good logo—trademarked, apparently—which is good, because otherwise someone might steal it. And that someone might be me!

8.28.24

Lagunitas Brewing Co – Hoppy Refresher with Berry + Lemon

I have to say, this is really, really good, without really thrilling me. It’s as refreshing as the name sounds. I could drink this on a hot day, as my refreshment of choice. Or at an event, when I want “refreshing” to rub off, and make ME refreshing, as I present myself to, you know, whoever. One of the things that doesn’t thrill me is that the hops is too subtle. I might not even be able to tell there is hops there if I didn’t know. Well, probably I could. When you burp, it’s a hops burp, so that’s nice. And so, what this mostly tastes like is the “berry” flavor—which is good—and tastes like berry—but I don’t really notice the lemon. Maybe you shouldn’t be overwhelmed by the lemon—it’s a flavor that enhances other flavors, I guess. But I’d like a little more lemon. And the final thing is, what berry? It kind of drives me crazy when something is “berry” flavor, without being more specific (it’s a mere step up from “mixed fruit”). I mean, it could be Berry Gibbs, or Berry White, or Berry Manilow, or Berry Stephens, or Berry Poltermann, or Berry Nelson, or Berry Goldwater, or Chuck Berry, or Dave Berry, or Lynda Berry. See my problem?

8.20.24

Bubly – Lemon Sorbet

Here’s an intriguing flavor—it sounds delicious, doesn’t it. Of course, it just gets me thinking about the waters I haven’t seen yet. Vanilla Custard, Banana Cream, Chocolate, Pumpkin Pie. Where are the autumn spice flavors? For that matter, coffee, and peanut butter. Peanut brittle, circus peanuts, black walnut taffy, licorice, anise, schnapps, whiskey, and campfire? They seem to be stuck in mixing pomegranate and citrus—it’s getting dull—but I’m hopeful. Anyway, this is another one where they mix a fruit flavor with vanilla and viola. It’s pretty delicious. You could compare this with Limoncello (water, La Croix)—but I’m not comparing them head-to-head—not falling for that trap! I’d like to say Limoncello has this one beat with a possibly more complex flavor, maybe more lemon zest or something, but I’m not sure. At any rate, this is possibly mis-named—as actual lemon sorbet is simply lemon and sugar, no milk, and not vanilla, am I wrong? Lemon Sherbet would be a more fitting name—though, generally, that just includes milk in the recipe, not necessarily vanilla, am I wrong? So, I don’t know what you’d call it—Lemon Pie, perhaps? But then you’re competing with Key Lime Pie. How about Lemon Custard? That might contain vanilla. But isn’t that a song by Led Zeppelin? Which would mean it’s a code-word for Robert Plant’s manly juices, am I wrong?

8.14.24