November 2, 1982 – 8:30 AM

I think I’ll be writing in here a lot more, just because I want to, and especially because I’ll be talking to Nancy a lot less. You’ve heard this all before, but I have now pretty much decided I’m going to leave town after X-mas or so. Where, I don’t know, but I need a new adventure. San Diego?

I went to Dayton this past weekend, had an amazing time. It’s the second time I’ve gone there with my love problems and found out I’m not the only one with problems. Thus, me and Sean stayed up all night Saturday after a Halloween party, and we sat in the MAIN CAFÉ (a great all-night diner) and drank coffee and tried to figure out the world. You know, it seemed at one point we had really figured out something, or were at least making progress, and then we both realized we were just more confused. We figured the more you try to figure things out, the more you get confused and see how hopeless it is to try. It’s like it’s not logical at all, and things can’t be figured out. I guess if you come to this conclusion and leave it all alone, you are wise, but hell, I keep trying. We also talked about My Dinner with Andre (Sean taped it), and indeed, what a movie.

Hey, when are you excited about going to the doctor? When you’re getting a goddamn cast off! That is this morning, and boy I’m ready for it. It’s been a day short of 5 weeks since I broke my hand, and I’ve had some damn thing on for over a month. We’ll see how soon I’ll do something like that again. Punching a wall. We’ll see. Am I getting worse or better? Oh, it’s some damn beautiful “summer/spring” day and it’s depressing. I can’t enjoy the day if I’m not with Nancy. I really have a long way to go, yet. Oh, well, we’ll see.

November 1, 1982

Can’t recall feeling worse than this, ever. Woke up, weird dreams, nothing resolved. Uhhh. Haven’t talked to Nancy in days. Is it me, her, or both? Just an understanding? It’s so sad. I’ve got midterms today, don’t know shit. Probably flunk or drop class. Paper due. Screenplay due. I’m so behind. One thing I was optimistic about, Garbage Memo. Looked at it last night. Is it shit? Help. I feel like staying in bed all day, sleep or drink whiskey. I know it will all be worse then, later. I guess I should save what I have and move ahead. I’ve got so much. All this won’t mean shit in two months. Except for Nancy, of course, but that I can’t control or something. Boy, I’m confused.

October 26, 1982 – AM

Sorry—I DOZED OFF. Well, it is always wonderful to talk to Nancy when we get along and have a great conversation like we do sometimes and did last night. More exciting than My Dinner with Andre, when you’re involved, and I think our conversion would make a great movie, anyway. Anyway, I think we came closer to resolving anything than ever, though I don’t know. I just think I am closer to accepting things as they are, and that includes myself and how I am. I’m sure I’m more together than a vast majority of the people in the world. I realize I’ve got a good and lucky life and an exciting and optimistic future, so I should be happy. I wish I could stay with Nancy, and her with me, but I realize I probably wouldn’t give her the freedom she (or anybody) should have. It’s really awful knowing that about yourself, but I must be honest and not selfish. I should just get used to being alone. I can still have many wonderful friendships and do—and to get married and take away any of that from each other would be awful. I really think for once I understand, and she is right, and though no one knows how things will work out, right now we know what we must do. I am really optimistic. I really believe that we will keep in touch. That is so important to me. We will. It will be interesting as hell, too. So now I think I’ve accepted it but that doesn’t make it any easier. I’m sure I’ll still have relapses. Gimme another drink!

On the exciting side, though sad, too, I’m really considering going to San Diego because Jim would like to get an apartment, but he would be overseas much. So there is leaving Nancy, and even after all this, I don’t know if I could. I think I would only go if I could get a friend or more to go, Money and loneliness. Someone I could cry to. Oh well, I’ll try not to worry/think about this too much now. Who knows what could happen. Nancy may get another job and movie out of town by then. Hey, maybe she’ll get a job in California. Ha. You asshole, Randy! Boy, gimme another drink!

October 25, 1982

Haven’t written in a month—that’s typical. It seems like longer. I’ve had a cast on for three weeks because I broke my hand punching a wall in my bedroom. I can’t go thru the last month, so I’ll just do the recent stuff. Quadrophenia, the movie, this weekend, at Kent. It was good as a movie, but lost so much from the album, for me. I thought there should be more music. I had a great time in Kent. Went to see three hardcore bands in Akron. Great [apparently nodding off]. I had the greatest conversation with Nancy, tonight, about all kinds of things [apparently nodding off]. Asleep.

September 23, 1982

Well, here I am, writing in my journal again. I haven’t written in a while. What started me again is what a professor said in my first class. Classes started yesterday. I am taking 5 photography classes. Yesterday I had 4, and when I got home, I fell asleep on the couch. Pretty tired. At least I woke up early, though, to write this.

In my first class, script writing, the prof talked about writing and being a writer. He talked about how one should write every day and keep a journal. Hell, I play guitar every day! What I want to be, really, is a writer, so I should be fanatical about it, why not? He talked about writing when you get up in the morning, because you are close to your subconscious. I know this, but I like to write (poetry) right before I sleep, because my subconscious takes over and it is real weird. In the morning it is not so great because I am so alert immediately. I wake up and I am on my feet.

Anyway, it is neat that a photography class inspired me to write more. (If I actually do. I should.) All the classes are pretty exciting.

I was writing for quite a while and stopped. I was mostly writing about my relationship with Nancy. It got to be ridiculous, or too painful, or something. It was like falling in and out of love constantly, and really draining. We are “just friends” now.

We had some awful drinking experiences lately, which I don’t want to go into. I have been drinking too much myself, anyway. We decided separately and (but) at the same time to cut way down and give up Crazy Mamas. It is really negative and destructive, I think. I hope Nancy wants to stick to it. I have so much fun with her without drinking. Who needs it? I want to get heavily into movies again!

After a full day of classes, yesterday, I have to go to work today (Thursday) and then to a 3 p.m. class. I am working at the Lerner store at Northland Mall, now. I worked for a couple of weeks at the end of August and was fired. See, I went to Dan and Lori’s wedding on Saturday the 28th of August, and then Nancy drove up and on Sunday we went to Michigan. We drove the Honda, and went to this resort area, Sister Lakes, where Nancy had gone with her family for years (’til she was 21). It was great. She was in such a great mood, it was so nostalgic for her. We went out to eat at restaurants two nights, and stayed two nights in my tent in an empty, small campground that was like someone’s backyard. We even went for a (brief) midnight swim. We got along great and the atmosphere and feeling of the place was wonderful. It was the best time I had all summer, and made all the pain of the summer worthwhile.

It was even worth getting fired, which I found that I did when I went to work on Wednesday. We had a misunderstanding. My boss thought I would be in Monday, though I told her I probably wouldn’t be. So I called long-distance on Tuesday, but too late. They had hired someone Tuesday morning. That’s what I get for lying. (I said the car broke down.) Well, like I said, it was worth it. Anyway, after a week, they called me in anyway because the new guy burst an appendix. I don’t know if he’ll be back, but at least I’ve been working. I need the money.

Well, with school starting, I’ve got money problems (though it would be impossible, of course, without generous money from my great parents, paying for my tuition, and rent and all). There’s photography classes require a lot of $. So, I’ve got money problems. Time problems are even worse. 17 hours is a lot, sure, but with 5 classes it is worse, and this is some time-consuming stuff. Plus, I want to write, play guitar, do a magazine, work on a novel, do poems, keep up letters, write for a magazine (Night Seen, I’ll talk about later), work, go out with Nancy, and other friends, see millions of movies, and still sleep (and read, too, God!). So where do I get the time? At least I’ll be busy. So, I also have problems with drinking, and Nancy drinking, and being in love with her and her being engaged, just being friends. Hell, I can handle it, but it will be a challenge I’ll have to make a schedule of my TIME. Enough for now.

July 3, 1982 – AM Early

I went to the Clippers game with Nancy last night. Fun. And to a party. Shitty party. We talked much, though, and determined that it really is over for us romantically, and fuck hope. She said we are at big differences in the points of our lives and she loves me and is attracted to me, but she must think practically. Not follow emotions. I personally think this is a mistake. I think emotions are important. So, well… maybe our big difference in agreement here is a sign of our being at really different points philosophically. Maybe she is doing the best thing possible for me. I think it is a big mistake for her, because of my super egocentric positive view of myself as a great person. Well… I am not so sure about anything anymore, but I still think I’ll do OK and be successful, though I have no reason to believe this. Things are real tough. But I feel she couldn’t find a more serious loving caring person than me, with great “success” potential, a great attitude, and interesting to an extreme degree in an experimental thinking philosophical standpoint, and I’m a good person, too…

So, what makes me feel so bad? Her ending up with Pete, after all we’ve been through. I feel beaten, defeated, and humiliated. I should feel better, because my guilt should be eased. I really think they have enough differences that it could not work between them. It will be too tough. But what do I know. As much as any “outsider” I guess Maybe if Pete was thru law school right now and getting a job now. But no. He has a long, tough, way to go, and Nancy has a tough time ahead, jobwise, and I think there will be too much strain on both of them, especially with no other friends, really. But there is a chance! I wish the best to them, always, and I suppose if it doesn’t work out, Nancy could find someone else better than me or Pete.

I should be grateful to her, because to be sickenly egocentric, I think maybe where I might be good for her, she isn’t so great for me. At least at this point. She is a real energy drain; or this whole situation is. But I don’t care. I’ll love her always. I would not hesitate to take her and live with her for the rest of my life, no matter what. I’ll really miss the intimate romantic stuff. Kissing and hugging, and fucking and laying in bed talking. It is so hard to give up.

I really don’t have a choice. It is her decision, so it must really mean it is serious, if she was able to make that decision and enforce it. Maybe I’ll meet someone else, I know I will. Any new relationship I go into will be with a little bit of reserve, after this, prepared to break up. I guess that’s experience, and it protects you from the pain I feel now so intensely. I do anticipate lots of crazy stuff, lots of girls and problems and… I should just take it and enjoy it and use my knowledge and experience to have fun and write about it and go on. What a future I have ahead… wow!

I am just glad we can part and remain friends. That is of the utmost importance to me and my whole philosophy. It is really up to me, as she is willing to. It would be easier for me to hate her and be mad, no sad. But I am not that weak. We will be friends always, and well, I cannot give up that faint glimmer of hope. I’ll just save it away somewhere. Either way, I’ll love her always.

July 2, 1982 – Early

Good morning. I feel better today. Yes. Got all that off my back, been building up for a week or so. Got some bad sunglasses (on sale) and got all the presents for my family I wanted to and got my money out of the bank, and got three days off and got two checks coming and got $10 left and got a fortune cookie that told me to go to the Clippers game and I got a healthy mind and a good soul. (Don’t get in a car accident, and you’ll be OK.) And I got something to say about time: TIME: I read somewhere that time “exists only as a series of events.” Yes—that is what I think. Time has little to do with clocks and calendars and the cycles of the earth. Those are just reference points. Time is events, happenings, experience. Everyone has different time. Time is how events affect your body and mind, how experience affects the way you think. It is what happens to you, and also what goes through your mind. Watching TV slows down your mind time. Thinking intensely increases your time. Some people get older much faster because of the rush of events, real and thought, through their minds, just like some people’s bodies age faster because of what they put them through. I think my mind has aged quite a bit in some areas, is quite young in others. It doesn’t all have to be the same. You can be many different ages at once! Wow!

July 1, 1982 – Late

I went out with Nancy tonight and had a great time. We went shopping and went to the Kahiki. But then when I dropped her off, I felt horrible. When I got home I was so lonely. No one was around. I called her and felt like a real jerk. What do I want? For her to sleep with me. No, not really. For her to say she loves me. Not if she doesn’t mean it. For her to love me. Of course.

This is why I really hoped she would just stop by for a homebrew or three tonight. I was feeling really cool. Dealing with things OK. Then I figured I would not see her tomorrow and just head to Sandusky real quick after work. That would be easiest. I have not been seeing her that much anyway, and am getting used to it. I think it is a good thing, that will help us. Whether we still, or will have something or not, it is just easier right now if I don’t keep getting my feelings stirred up. So doing something really good makes it so hard on me.

So now I feel I’ve fucked up again. She probably thinks, oh we had a fun time and Randy was real cool, then I get all depressed and call her, and she says, “he really is immature.” I don’t know. Maybe I am. But I think I am a communication addict. I have a high energy of talking, and listening. I drive my parents nuts at home by going on and on. I have such a need to talk and get a response. Also, I am so intensely emotional. People are not all the same. I think I am above average in intensity of emotion. I don’t want this to stop because I don’t want to kill that part of me. Maybe I’m not too cool, though I can be at times, but fuck it. It is an act. I am emotional. I want to be!

I don’t want to forget anything. If we are broken apart for good, I want to feel pain. I want to feel it always and for it to never go away.

Will every relationship I have and breakup make it easier? Easier and easier? Is that the way it’s supposed to be, maybe? Not sticking with any person too long.

Fuck it. What does anybody know. “You are always hurt at least once,” “Your first love never works out.” Who makes these rules? What do they know! What does anybody know about me?! I am not anyone else and I never existed before and will never exist again, and I make my own rules and I have my own personal set of feelings and ideas, and nothing that has happened to anyone else has anything to do with me. Time and numbers are not the only factors of anyone’s behavior. I know how I feel. It just doesn’t make sense how anyone could know someone so intensely and intimate and them just break off. I worry about the future. Some people do, and some don’t, but I can’t help it. I hope I am not obsessed, but I worry. I mean, living for only right now and not worrying about the future, that is like littering and saying fuck it, or killing animals until they become extinct.

I don’t know why I’m worried about this whole thing. I don’t understand it. But does anybody? It is important to me because all of the world is important and all of human relationships and important and you have to start with yourself and I don’t want to be alone and I want to do something important and good before I die and I need help and I need someone… And all of this I wrote has no meaning if Nancy doesn’t love me because you can’t make someone love you, and I have no control over that, but at least I have a little control over myself, a little…

June 29, 1982 – Early

Yes. My new philosophy. It’s based on the misconception I’ve (and many people, I’m sure) always had about my personal future. I have some feeling like, after I get to a certain point, pay certain dues, or make some particular breakthrough, my whole life will be changed. I’ll suddenly be making a living doing something I like and be happy forever.

Well, this is dumb, because it won’t happen like that. It’s like you go to college and graduate and expect good jobs to be thrown at you. It helps a lot, but you still have to find the jobs and you might not find one you can stay in, ever, even.

So, I’ve decided the future is here. I am living the life I want to right now. There are good things and bad things and I just gradually work to make it better. You’re never totally happy, you just have to do the best you can. I may never find anything that I stay with real long. What’s important is I am overall happy, which I am now. (Not content, but happy.)

June 28, 1982 – Late

This is funny. It is worthless to write about except that I could later see how silly it is. Sure, I am serious, and worried, scared, but everything goes one way and then another so much, by a phone-call or just my personal mood. It’s ridiculous. I must just not worry and be lighter about it.

This morning a big thing happened… I developed a new personal philosophy. I decided that it’s stupid to think about the future, and that what I could get (magically of courses) all of a sudden like… (too tired to think)—

June 24, 1982 – Early

Got up at six. Looks like I was falling asleep last night writing. What I wanted to say is, I don’t know what we will talk about or decide. Maybe we shouldn’t see each other for a while if it bothers her that much. It might be healthy, and better for the future. I am concerned about our future. I am concerned about our future, because I still have hope, even though I might just be being foolish.

Anyway, I woke up this morning with much hope and optimism. Which is great in any case. That she called yesterday at all gives me some faith. I am best not to worry too much about it.

Mick gave me a story he wrote last night, and I like it, and I like some stuff I’ve been writing for Slam, and Dave sent me a story. So, Mick was urging me to do another magazine, so maybe I will if I get enough contributors and help. I am thinking of all kinds of ideas already, and it is a great thing to think about while working.

Later. Note: Refer to “Letter to Parents” (6-24-82) another masterpiece in letter writing. Well, time flew tonight. Talked to Mick for a long time after work. Nancy came over at 10. We had quite a discussion. It started without us talking and just staring. Then it took a turn for the worse, as we determined that she was letting me know that it was over between us. As we continued for quite a while, we determined that we should not be so close for a while and get our shit together. Things seemed to get better. I was again amazed with our ability to communicate on such a serious level. I don’t know if I am some smooth talker, or if we really love each other. I would prefer to believe the latter. After she left, I thought about the whole conversation and decided that I am totally confused and there is a good chance she is too. Still, I remain hopeful… but she said… what she wants, I cannot give her—you know—but she feels close to me—attracted sexually—but must be practical—wow—heavy stuff. I mean, my life we’re talking about, and, of course, hers, and of course, ours. I just don’t know, it’s all there but who can put it together or say what will happen—I just don’t know. Still I remain hopeful….

June 23, 1982 – Late.

I woke up this morning and I felt like all the shit of the world hit me. My hip still is fucked up and this new disease (probably scabies) itches all over. I felt sick from all the cigarettes and potato chips from the night before. I got ready for work. Sleeping had been peaceful, once I got to sleep. I had no bad dreams. Once I woke up, the reality of me and Nancy not getting along hit me. I did not let it ruin my day. I had a good time at work. I talked to some old guy who had broken his legs falling off of a tractor while farming his land. He told me I should appreciate my health. He is right.

I went to get my new driver’s license picture and wore a black bandana around my neck. I went to a movie, Marx Brothers, Duck Soup, with Brian. It was funny, and a fun thing to do.

Nancy called from work. This made me happy. We were able to talk a little bit. She said she wrote me a letter but would not give I to me unless she rewrote it. She said she would stop over briefly after work, at ten. She called and said she was not coming over, but going to Crazy Mama’s, probably. I was disappointed. I called back 45 minutes later. She was still at home. We talked civilly for a while. She said we could meet after she gets off work tomorrow. I hope so. I don’t know how to react now, or what is the right thing to do.

June 22, 1982 – (First day at City Directory job.)

WELL. It seems official now—concrete—real—no question of my paranoia—it has happened. I saw it coming for a while—the last few days at least—maybe before that on and off. To put it most crudely, and not really real accurately, but most bluntly—I have been dumped. It hurts me to write that because I know that is not how it really is—or maybe that is what I want to think. I sure haven’t begun to start to figure it out yet, but the realities exist. I wanted to see Nancy tonight. She would not see me. She was very annoyed with me when we talked on the phone. We had a short discussion. She made it clear that she didn’t want to see me “for a while”—which means to me, at all. In the past few days I recall having intense fear, seeing something wrong—but much hope, with serious doubts. There have been enough indications for anyone, but I had to hear it, on the phone, tonight.

So... I am writing now, to help me, and to keep record of how my mind reacts—now—also, to help me. There is so much that went on before all this—before now—I haven’t recorded it, but I should, to the best of my memory. I will. It won’t be The Garbage Memo—but I think I can get it in great detail. From here on in (this being a real turning point), I will try to keep a detailed record of what happens and how I think and feel.

Nancy said on the phone tonight that she thought we were at very different stages, and I have been annoying her lately. She was very short, and cold. She said she wanted to get off the phone. She also said she needed to have more time alone to get stuff done. I agreed and I do agree. She said she is sick of this whole situation, and I can see that. It must be hard.

I went walking around and thought about things. Is she going to change how she feels? How should I react to that. Should I try to get over her, and say “fuck it?” What should I do now? Well, I came home and decided to write this—I ate nearly a whole bag of potato chips. And I’ve decided I want to get going and do some projects. Read a lot. Work on Garbage Memo. Practice guitar. Write a lot. Stay and be healthy. It would be dumb to let myself go and just get drunk and be fucked up and do nothing, because, well, it seems to be thing to do. It’s funny, I just got a job (City Directory)—and now I want to go all out and get everything done—and work, too. I can do it—extreme high energy, no sleep—but health. I’ll probably go to a lot of movies by myself, like the old days.

I just can’t get hopelessly depressed. I don’t want to be pitiful—I want to be admirable. I don’t know if all this is to prove something, or to make Nancy like me, but at least it is good for me and will help get my mind off things. I have to try to decide if we have a chance at all. I don’t know. I can’t rule anything out.

How do I feel about her—truly—totally, honestly? That is coming up. I must sleep now. I will continue to write, to see how I react to this, one of the harshest blows of my life. Good night.