La Croix – Pamplemousse

Anyway, my theory is that this particular La Croix flavor was the catalyst for the increased popularity of flavor essence sparking water—though I can’t support that with hard data. Perhaps it’s documented? At any rate, part of the charm was that—unless you were French, or spoke French, or had a dog named Pamplemousse, or knew someone with a dog named Pamplemousse, or knew how to use the internet (in other words, everyone)—you had no idea what that meant—what the fuck was that flavor? But then you tasted it… and sure enough… it was Pamplemousse! So… how’s the flavor add up, now, with all this competition? It’s still one of the best, if you like the flavor of grapefruit—which I really do. Maybe it’s nice, too, in that grapefruit juice isn’t overly sweet like orange juice—so it’s more of a natural conversion, it makes more sense, like lemon and lime and cranberry. For unsweetened, flavor-essenced sparkling water, I mean. Whereas flavors like strawberry and orange are a little weird, at least in your mind. Well, they can make a good water from any flavor, it’s possible. I was just thinking, it’s been a long, long time since I drank any grapefiend juice. Forgot, even, how to spell it. Mostly because, I guess, I stopped drinking fruit juice altogether. I really have. Wait… something just occurred to me! (at the time, that is, that I first composed this review—see below* for an update). I don’t think I’ve yet seen any apple flavored sparkling water! Could that be? How could they have missed apple? Is it because apple needs the sweetness, and when they tried apple flavor without sweetness, it tasted like pumpkin? (I’m just hypothesizin’ here!) There is that really good Mexican apple soda, called Sidral Mundet—it’s the best—partly because it’s not too sweet—but then it is somewhat sweet, of course. (An aside: when I looked up how to spell Sidral, I came across an interesting article about: Why is apple soda so rare? It’s on the Sprecher website (they make an apple soda), so you can look it up. They reference The Botany of Desire, which I just re-read, so right now, I’m a bit appled to the core!) *Okay, at press time (now) I have seen an apple flavored water—at least one—so I’m sure there’s plenty. Not as popular as Pamplemousse, though!

4.30.24

Fair State Co-Op – Hop Water – Citra & Galaxy Hops

A hop water from Minneapolis—a place called Fair State Co-Op! I believe they make a few different varieties—different kinds of hops. This one is Citra and Galaxy. The can says: “Super tropical with notes of peach, guava, orange, and pineapple.” I didn’t find it as such, exactly, though I’m no expert. It is delicious, I know that. The flavor is particularly citrussy, almost too much so—a bit winey even—very lively. I like the can—attractive, orange and off-white, a flat, or kind of matte label (all the craze) on a silver, aluminum can. Used to never see that—I’m guessing it’s a microbrew trend—a label stuck on a silver can—it doesn’t go all the way around, so there’s a space where the ends don’t meet—and it also doesn’t go all the way to the top or bottom. They want you to know it’s a label. Very interesting trend. Oh, and it’s a 16 ounce can—which I like, because I always want those extra four ounces. Trying it once more—this review is accurate, but I’m afraid it’s not my favorite—maybe I’m getting more discerning—more picky as I try more. Anyway, it’s OK—but delicious might be too positive. Quite nice, or something. Trying the last one—and I agree with the above—it is quite nice, not necessarily delicious. The one word that came to me again is winey. Which, I guess—as long as we’re talking about a drink, and not a person—is cool.

4.4.24

Klarbrunn – Citrus Blend

This one is not great. Kind of exactly what you’d expect from that lame handle: “Citrus Blend.” Ha! It sounds like something that might be your only choice besides tapwater at the Mediocre Cafeteria in Halfass Town. Trying it again… with a fresh perspective! It’s still blah. Almost a little off-putting. There is a strong suggestive element with these waters. What if the same water was called: Dangyuja Burst? It might make it taste better. But as it is, it reminds me of one of those too large, pithy, flavorless oranges that give oranges a bad name. Whenever you can’t specify the flavor (like “Mixed Fruit” jelly) it implies the desperation to use up an inferior product. Naturally, I don’t know how that applies to a water. Anyway, I’m a big fan of this company and their excellent can design, but this flavor’s can is even kind of blah—the three overlapping teardrops are orange, a very slightly less orangey orange, and a slightly lighter shade of orange. They could have called it “Orange You Thirsty?”—or something.

3.21.24

La Croix – Razz-Cranberry

Another really underwhelming effort at flavor razzle-dazzle pseudo cocktail jazz. The big problem here is that it tastes perfumy—and it occurs to me—that’s where these flavored sparkling waters can go wrong. Perfumy. As I’ve said before, I’m always suspicions when two flavors are blended, and this is no exception. I don’t even taste any cranberry in here, for one thing. Also, it’s annoying how La Croix uses the “razzberry” spelling twice (or maybe more, by now)—for what is the very coolest fruit there is—because of the coolest spelling: raspberry. I don’t care if “razzberry” is an accepted spelling or not—I don’t accept it. If the internet does, that only confirms that the internet is moronic. Just because enough morons do something, accept something, or want something, doesn’t make it any less moronic. Maybe more moronic. And besides the spelling problem, and the perfume-ness, I’m also tired of all the flavor combinations that don’t do much for me—especially when there are so many flavors they haven’t even explored yet. Such as: kumquat, cucumber, and mulberry—just for starters. I could go on. And I probably will—I mean, with the flavor suggestions. That gives me an idea for a list!

3.5.24

Waterloo – Cherry Limeade

So much cherry. Why so much cherry? Anyone named Cherry I’m cool with. Choo Choo Cherry was cool. (I’m not sure, but wasn’t he introduced because the earlier Funny Face cherry flavor was an offensive stereotype? I’m not going to look it up and go into that Funny Face rabbit hole). Cherry bombs are better than firecrackers. That story about George Washington chopping down the cherry tree but not being able to lie about it—is in fact a lie—but it’s somewhat poignant to think there was a time when we valued honesty in public figures. I won’t lie—this one is not as good as Polar’s “Tart Cherry Limeade” (though, is that because of the suggestion of tartness and essence? I don’t know). (See previous Polar review.) (Also, see every previous review of cherry flavored water for my problems with cherry flavor.) The best thing I can say about this one it that it’s subtle. But why so much cherry? It strikes me as lazy. I’m going to make a list, sometime, of all the flavors that have crossed my mind that would make exciting sparkling water flavors—but I have not yet seen!

1.28.24

Polar – Tart Cherry Limeade

They nailed this one. As I said before, I’m not a fan of cherry—there’s something about any kind of cherry flavor/fragrance (other than cherries)—like with Cherry Coke and cherry-scented toilet cleaner—that turns my stomach. And that might just be because the prevailing artificial cherry used in factory food is gross. So, I don’t know that they used here, but it’s really good. Either the cherry flavor, or the way it blends with the “essence of” lime—it’s really just perfect. Another one of those Polar waters that includes essence—in this case, “essence of fresh lime.” How essence is different from “natural flavors,” I have no idea—but it seems to be different, taste-wise. The can is another good one, too—over-the-top—metallic pink with five horizontal silver stripes going around, and then a giant, pale yellow lime with a darker metallic green leaf, and then two metallic red cherries, hanging on stems. Maybe it’s just the can that’s making me like the flavor—the suggestion is strong enough. It could be that the magic is in the name—“Tart Cherry Limeade”—that just sounds like it has to be good, right?

12.30.23

Klarbrunn – Raspberry

Another really nice can—strong design—if I’d seen someone drinking this, I’d go, “Whoa! What is that?” It looks very cool—the fonts, design, and color combinations. Klarbrunn has it going on. This a quite subtly flavored fruity water—which maybe is for the best. It definitely tastes raspberry. While I was drinking it, I got to thinking about the old days of “soda pop”—how you’d get the really super sugary “pop” with enough toxic red color to make a swimming pool pink and enough sugar to put a normal person in a coma. Of course, we were all addicted and used to the sugar. What if kids grew up drinking this instead? —they’d all have their favorites, get excited about new ones, levels of intrigue and cool—and once you get off the sugar addiction, just the bubbles and the flavor and the cold is equally as satisfying as a sugary soda pop and, I maintain… more refreshing. Also, I tried this one with coffee (the idea is—any flavor that would mix well with chocolate might go good with espresso, and this one is no exception). The next challenge is to name it. “Black Cow” is taken, so come up with a new name, like… black something, or something black. Berry Black. Black Snake. Black Beret, etc. Ideas. Should I do regular cocktail reviews? I mean flavored sparking water mixed with cold coffee cocktails? Perhaps in the future, when the water options dry up (if they ever do).

12.26.23

Hoplark Sparkling HopTea – the Green Tea One

This has a more subtle hop flavor than the other Hoplarks I’ve tried, but it’s still there, and very delicious. Though… at first, I thought it tasted a little like pee. But I think I was just reacting to the look of it in the glass—plus, I have no idea what pee tastes like. This is probably the lightest of the Hoplark waters—green tea being like the subtlest thing on Earth (unless, of course, you use scalding water, and expose (too much) tea to the water for a year—and then it’s one of the bitterest things on Earth). Okay. And it uses Mosaic Hops—whatever that means. I guess I can look it up. I’m guessing they are NOT the “Porter House Steak of hops.” One would imagine their flavor as… multifaceted. And it doesn’t taste like pee. And let me reiterate: I have no idea what pee tastes like.

12.14.23

La Croix – Black Razzberry

My understanding is that black raspberries are raspberries, not blackberries, and they also aren’t black, but purple. Am I wrong? Not sure why they spell it like that—“Razzberry” instead of “Raspberry”—is that an alternate spelling? It’s not in any dictionary of mine! It’s fruity, as one might expect. My initial reaction is “not good”—but perhaps I’m biased by the foul day—I’ll have to give it another chance. Tasted it again on a less foul day. No. It’s okay. Just boring. Does the world need another fucking berry anything? Again, that’s the foul mood talking. How about a water called “Berry Gold Water?” At least that’s funny. Anyhow, this gets me thinking about that whole “blue raspberry” thing—you know, with Slurpee and Flavr-Ice—more than one brand decided that bright blue was the color of raspberry—why? Wine coolers, even, at one point! Well… I always kind of celebrated the blue food thing, that unnatural color imposed—it just seemed so crazy—so even to this day, I like it. In fact, if I totally imagine this water to be bright blue—close my eyes and taste it—now it totally makes sense to me. What if they decide, for a change, that they’d artificially color just one of their sparking waters—blue—this one—would people freak out? Or would it sell like hot cakes?

12.7.23

Waterloo – Tropical Fruit

I bought the last can at Whole Foods as they were de-stocking it—or maybe it’s discontinued, or out of season—I don’t know. This is a delicious water! I’ve got to say! Very fruity, and very… tropical. A pleasure any time of year, not just summer. I really don’t get why people want to enforce seasonal tastes—the seasons do enough enforcing on their own (and there are certainly things, like some produce, that are truly seasonal). But what I don’t get is when people close up shop (metaphorically) and hibernate in the colder months. I think some people just LIKE to be depressed—but I don’t understand WHY. Anyway, what is the flavor here? Blindfolded, I would guess—tropical fruit! On the can there’s a picture of a grapefruit and pineapple and something else, which looks kind of like durian. Could that be? Their website says blood orange (so that’s not a grapefruit), and pineapple, and mango. Oh, okay, it’s mango. Very good, the combo of those three. But now I’m thinking that durian sparkling water would be a home run (or at least a hole-in-one)—if anyone wants to take the chance. Wait… maybe there is one? Only a quick search, and I see a durian soda, but it’s got high fructose corn syrup in it—so gross. Come on! Get with it, durian sparkling water pioneers!

11.21.23

Hoplark – Sparkling HopTea – The Calm One – made with Chamomile

This is a combo that makes a lot of sense as a tincture—most likely I’ve had tea hops and chamomile—intended for relaxation. Though… the last time I quaffed a cold, refreshing version of hops, chamomile, and carbonation—it was natural carbonation—brought about by fermentation. Yes… I’m talking about beer (even more relaxing) ha!  That would have been 1988 or so—we had regular beer production in the house I lived in (5-gallon crocks at a time). I had personally been making beer for a dozen years by then, off and on. (Ideas for titles for my memoir: “Under (Bever)age” or “Leave It To Beverage.”) I was into experimentation by that point (high alcohol, super stout, garlic, chamomile), and the chamomile beer was one of the more refreshing. It was called Chuck Berry Lager (the names didn’t always make the most sense). Might I have followed these pioneering ways to abdicating the throne of big beverage? (Something like that.) Probably not. Ever since God’s been replaced by Google, the voice speaking to Man tells him he’s necessarily late to the game—never first, and certainly not best—kind of sad—but at least those “divine” voices are quieted. It never ends well for true pioneers, anyway—madmen down the hall in hoarder hotels, or dead in the bottom of mineshafts. Oh, what’s it taste like? It is really good. I might not like it as much as some the other Hoplarks, but still, it’s right up there. I guess I like the bitterness and fragrance of hops! I guess there’s a good reason they put it in beer!

11.9.23

AHA – Blackberry + Lemon

Just saw, AHA in the news—Coca-Cola, who makes it, is cutting back. They must have found that it doesn’t fuel the space aliens, like Diet Coke—and 4 out of 5 dentist$ want you to drink regular Coke. Anyway, this one—another good flavor—very fruity, definitely blackberry. I really like this flavor—though something tells me it’s artificial as hell—I think because it reminds me the most of Kool-Aid as any sparkling water I’ve yet had. Not that Kool-Aid had a blackberry (back in my day), but still, there’s a subtlety to the flavor that recalls that nostalgic Kool-Aid fruity flavor. The can is purple and yellow, but it doesn’t look like the LSU football uniform (or any other sports team I can think of). It’s one of the more fucked up looking cans, actually—the three cartoon blackberries floating in a yellow background look more like the artist representation of coronavirus, or cartoon meteoroids in space—a meteoroid field we have to navigate the spaceship through to get to our supply of Diet Coke.

10.23.23

Alani – Orange

I do like the tall, thin 12-ounce cans. It just struck me, picking this one up—imagine a world where we haven’t yet had this sparking water/flavored seltzer/etc. craze—and you’d find this oddball, skinny tall can, metallic orange with green leaves—and it’s—no sugar! No sweetener! Just water, bubbles, and flavor? How weird would that be? I’d be taking this along to all my many many many many social appearances, that’s for sure. Unfortunately, there’s something a little off about the flavor. But wait… let’s see if it grows on me. You know, sometimes that happens. Sometimes what is gross at first later becomes the best thing ever. But not always, and in this case… no.

10.19.23

Hoplark Sparkling Water – with Sabro Hops

My first impression was… “not very hoppy,” but as I drink more, it’s as if the hop flavor is coming alive, weirdly, and it’s more and more hoppy as I go along. This one is made with Sabro hops. I keep seeing the word “Sabro” everywhere, it seems like, or maybe I’m just imagining it. I’ll look on the internet, maybe it’s a famous person. Was it “someone Sabro” or “Sabro someone?” The internet is no help. All I see is beer. Beer has taken over the internet. Anyway, it’s hops, if nothing else. They are described as: “fruity and citrus—tangerine, coconut, tropical fruit and stone fruit.” Stone fruit? I think whoever wrote that was stoned. But they go on: “With hints of cedar, mint, and cream.” This is where I add the emoji with blue stripe tears running down its face—if I’m using that correctly. The Hoplark website is a little more sober: “Sabro hops shine with their sweet tropical fruit notes and aromas.” They also have a cute hoppiness rating intensity scale (from “whoa” to “wee bit”)—and these register as “kinda.” I’ll go with… all of that. I can’t nail down a particular attribute, I mean aside from the “way too much” description, above. “Fresh” is the only thing I’d add, and, oh, very very delicious. Attractive orange and off-white two-tone can. Also, I noticed they have a “tasting club” where you get a supply of various hop water every month—which would be really fun—I’ll jump on that if my ship comes in. If it hasn’t been beset with pirates or sunk by a hurricane. But the way things are going currently, I’m looking to cut back on things—streaming, internet, travel, doctors, food, hipster food clubs.

10.12.23

Polar – Ruby Red Grapefruit

It’s not going to be red, is it? Good god, that would be weird. Does red grapefruit have a different flavor than regular grapefruit? Look it up. I guess it does (well, all grapefruit is different from all other grapefruit, so, of course). I guess red grapefruit (that is, red on the inside) is somewhat sweeter, but this water isn’t sweet—I’m not sure where that leaves us. I guess I used to think pink and red grapefruit juice was colored with red food coloring, but it’s the kind of grapefruit. Though I suppose you have to look at individual brands to see if any add color. No added color here, of course—but what if there was—wouldn’t that be weird? What if it was exactly as red as rubies? Which is almost blood-red. No, I wouldn’t go for that. The pink can is nice. I’m sure Polar struggled a bit to make this one stand out—it’s hard to compete with La Croix using that fancy French name for theirs. Calling it “Ruby Red”—rather than just “Grapefruit”—certainly inspires the imagination some. And it tastes good, of course.

10.4.23

AHA – Peach + Honey

This is just about the palest can I’ve seen—it’s pale metallic pink and pale metallic gold—which represents the outside and the inside of a peach, I guess—it’s really quite attractive. I guess the paleness also represents sparkling water—just, you know, in general. This sparkling water business is a colorless proposition, that’s for sure. Pale. But not a bad thing. This is the brand that’s “under the authority of Coca-Cola”—for whatever that’s worth, or not. It does taste a bit like peach… honey, not so much. But I can imagine it. A hilarious thing on the can—it says: “Naturally Flavored + Other Natural Flavors”—I’m rolling on the floor. I don’t know if that’s an intentional joke… or something I just don’t understand… but, for some reason, I find that hilarious. And either way, I’m not arguing with a laugh.

9.26.23

Hoplark Sparkling HopTea – the Citra Bomb One

Hoplark, from Boulder, Colorado, makes a lot of different hop beverages, both hop tea and hop water—regular flavors and limited editions—look at their website, it’s almost overwhelming. I bet there are some real fanatics who try them all—and I love the idea of seasonal and limited releases. The HopTeas I’ve seen come in these bold, 16-ounce cans with really busy, intense, flat-color, and grey, can art—a lot of graphics and text on it—fairly overboard, really—but you wish it was a 20-ouncer, or bigger. This one is made from white peony tea and Citra hops—which, I guess, is hops with floral and citrus flavor, just like it sounds. I suppose it is citrusy, but it’s mostly hoppy, and delicious. The color is a pale, pale green—lovely. I want to drink only this, in life, give up all the rest of it. Well, not really… but I do wish I could afford to have this around all the time. I’m thinking of moving to Boulder, so maybe you can get it cheaper there… or maybe my ship will come in or something, or I’ll plan a big heist of their warehouse. It’s the wild west, right? I’ve had white peony tea before—and it was delicious, but really subtle—but I kind of forgot about it. I don’t know if anyone makes bottled, cold, white tea, but probably. One thing I do know—I never really made a point of thinking about this—that bottled, sweetened green tea is really gross. Fuck that shit. Green tea (and probably white tea) should never be sweetened. The combo of this white peony tea and hops, specifically these Citra hops—they really hit a home run with this one, and they know it. It’s an excellent drink. Not too subtle with the hops, just enough. This stuff isn’t cheap—really kind of pricy—but seems like it should cost more—it’s actually worth it. Maybe it is cheap for something truly gourmet.

9.21.23

Klarbrunn Sparkling Water – Lemon

This is one I hadn’t seen before—maybe it’s new? The can doesn’t look that different than any other sparkling water, but there’s something about it I like. Maybe just all the yellow. It’s funny, my regular drink at home is filtered, refrigerated water, filling my water bottle, with a dash of lemon juice, usually—just to make it more tasty—so I’m every day drinking lemon water, is what I’m saying, so lemon sparkling water might be right off the bat… old—but it’s not. It’s good. I wonder what the name means? Look it up! The internet says: “In the early 1800’s, European settlers discovered artesian springs bringing clear fresh water from deep underground. They called these natural fountains Klarbrunn.” That sounds like IM (Internet Malarky) to me, but we’ll go with it. The can says it’s from Watertown, Wisconsin, which makes it “local” (for me)! Watertown. Get it? It’s also the name of my favorite Sinatra album. (This is true, but it’s a different Watertown.) Their website says “since 1987”—shocking! So they’ve been in the natural sparkling mineral water game for a while. They have some interesting looking waters—I’ll do some exploring later. Anyway, exciting—this is one of my favorites lately—it’s a good lemon flavor, and it’s one of the better looking cans. Where exactly is Watertown? Oh, it’s about halfway between Milwaukee and Madison. I want to visit there! Maybe I’ll want to move there. Maybe I can get a job at Klarbrunn!

9.10.23

Polar – Raspberry Pink Lemonade

I like the can for this one—they were really going for it. It’s pink with five silver horizontal stripes, a big yellow lemon with a green leaf, a couple of pink raspberries, and blue lettering—fonts all over the place. This isn’t going to be pink—in color, is it? Of course not. The raspberry flavor is what adds the “pinkness”—I guess. I believe traditional pink lemonade was just lemonade with coloring—not necessarily flavor. Of course, once people realized that red food coloring was bullshit, some wise guy got the idea—hey, we can add come red fruit juice to lemonade and make pink lemonade, that way. This is a little different than the regular Polar water—which is just carbonated water and natural flavors—in that it also has “essence of fresh lemons.” I don’t know what that means, actually—I guess you would have to know where the “natural flavors” come from, first of all, and then how this “essence” is derived. I guess this might take a bit of research. I’ll have to check how my research grant is coming along. But as far as the flavor goes, it’s pretty weird. You get an initial flavor—which I think comes from the smell—and then you get the water and bubbles, and then you get an after-flavor—which is very different than the initial flavor. At first, I found this aftertaste kind of gross—definitely odd, and off-putting. But just in the course of drinking my first can of it, it’s growing on me a little. Maybe because I keep wanting that sensation—so I can try to figure out what it reminds me of. I’m always complaining about waters not being intense, strange, and mysterious enough—and this one certainly is that. Actually, the more I drink, the more I like it. Outstanding!

9.5.23

Bubly – Blackberry

Maybe blackberry isn’t a real challenge as a flavor—but they got it right. It tastes exactly like blackberry jam on toast—which happens to taste like big, old, ripe blackberries. I guess it’s not the most complicated fruit flavor—even if it is sublime and intense. I’ve got a history with blackberries—I had them in my yard in Oregon (good blackberry place). I never had a BlackBerry phone, but I had a fake one. Judy Bolton’s cat (the star of Judy Bolton books) is named Blackberry. Though I don’t care for the font on their cans, I like the depiction of bubbles, and I really like the color on this one. It’s a deep, deep, metallic purple. I said “deep” twice to try to get across my impression of it—it’s like you can see off into some kind of mystical place on this can. It’s just a color, I guess, but they ought to make more cars this color. No they shouldn’t—they should pass a law against it—ever. Really good flavor. It’s good. But I’ve got to say (nothing against this one), I’m just about through with berry flavored water (straw, blue, cherry, black, mixed, etc.) berry—on the bottom of my want list lately. Though I’m thinking of bringing back the character, Barry Fruitage, somewhere (in the fiction realm).

8.24.23