Fiji – Natural Artesian Water

I’ve been avoiding the Fiji water just because it’s been around so long I was afraid I’d find out it’s just Diet Coke before they added the heinous chemicals and carbonation. But this huge, 1.5 liter bottle was on sale so, I thought, now. It tastes clean and good, though I can’t say I’m sophisticated enough to be able to tell it from any other bottled water. I do love the idea of water coming from the cracks in the earth, just spurting up, forever. If I suddenly had that kind of money, I’d spend the rest of my life just visiting the world’s natural springs and artesian aquifers—nothing more exciting than water! Their claim is: “Earth’s Finest Water”—which, everyone knows, doesn’t have to be backed up. You just pay the lawyers for the ®. If I ever make another book, I’m going to put in bold letters on the cover, “The best book you’ll ever read!” About 10% of people will believe it without even reading it. I kind of wished I’d finished the bottle before my additional research—it turns out that due to the cost of jerking the water from the ground, transport from the South Pacific, and environmental impact of this massive square plastic bottle with the red flower on it, I’ve just contributed to the death of a small village. But just my continued existence is an environmental crisis in miniature. I did read that at one point one of their ads said: “The label says Fiji because it’s not bottled in Cleveland”—which didn’t thrill some people in Cleveland. Or me. The water is fine in Cleveland, but they’re still picking on it because of when that river caught on fire. Yeah, sure. When the river running through your town catches on fire—people will keep beating that dead horse like forever.

No. 161 – 10.22.26