July 3, 1982 – AM Early

I went to the Clippers game with Nancy last night. Fun. And to a party. Shitty party. We talked much, though, and determined that it really is over for us romantically, and fuck hope. She said we are at big differences in the points of our lives and she loves me and is attracted to me, but she must think practically. Not follow emotions. I personally think this is a mistake. I think emotions are important. So, well… maybe our big difference in agreement here is a sign of our being at really different points philosophically. Maybe she is doing the best thing possible for me. I think it is a big mistake for her, because of my super egocentric positive view of myself as a great person. Well… I am not so sure about anything anymore, but I still think I’ll do OK and be successful, though I have no reason to believe this. Things are real tough. But I feel she couldn’t find a more serious loving caring person than me, with great “success” potential, a great attitude, and interesting to an extreme degree in an experimental thinking philosophical standpoint, and I’m a good person, too…

So, what makes me feel so bad? Her ending up with Pete, after all we’ve been through. I feel beaten, defeated, and humiliated. I should feel better, because my guilt should be eased. I really think they have enough differences that it could not work between them. It will be too tough. But what do I know. As much as any “outsider” I guess Maybe if Pete was thru law school right now and getting a job now. But no. He has a long, tough, way to go, and Nancy has a tough time ahead, jobwise, and I think there will be too much strain on both of them, especially with no other friends, really. But there is a chance! I wish the best to them, always, and I suppose if it doesn’t work out, Nancy could find someone else better than me or Pete.

I should be grateful to her, because to be sickenly egocentric, I think maybe where I might be good for her, she isn’t so great for me. At least at this point. She is a real energy drain; or this whole situation is. But I don’t care. I’ll love her always. I would not hesitate to take her and live with her for the rest of my life, no matter what. I’ll really miss the intimate romantic stuff. Kissing and hugging, and fucking and laying in bed talking. It is so hard to give up.

I really don’t have a choice. It is her decision, so it must really mean it is serious, if she was able to make that decision and enforce it. Maybe I’ll meet someone else, I know I will. Any new relationship I go into will be with a little bit of reserve, after this, prepared to break up. I guess that’s experience, and it protects you from the pain I feel now so intensely. I do anticipate lots of crazy stuff, lots of girls and problems and… I should just take it and enjoy it and use my knowledge and experience to have fun and write about it and go on. What a future I have ahead… wow!

I am just glad we can part and remain friends. That is of the utmost importance to me and my whole philosophy. It is really up to me, as she is willing to. It would be easier for me to hate her and be mad, no sad. But I am not that weak. We will be friends always, and well, I cannot give up that faint glimmer of hope. I’ll just save it away somewhere. Either way, I’ll love her always.