Sunday 2 October 2016 – Milwaukee

I'm at the Plaza Cafe for breakfast on Sunday—a rare occurrence—I usually don't consider coming here—though it could be Sunday Project! But usually I want to get out and walk somewhere—and also—it's a zoo here on Sunday—but it's fairly early, like 10am—that's not early! That's Bloody Mary time for Milwaukee. But anyway, there were seats at the counter—not real crowded, just busy—it's the kind of day out that makes people say, I'm staying home. I went out on my bike—I didn't think it was raining, just wet, but it was drizzling, part-raining, even—and so over the course of ½ hour (halfway to Maxfield's, where I was going) I was totally soaked, and also sweaty and muddy—so I said fuck it, it's not even enjoyable (though the exercise was) so I went to the CVS and bought some shit and changed my mind. Now I'm here, having a way too expensive (for me) “Mexican Scrambler”—I guess if I was going to come here for Sunday Project I'd have to find some cheaper option. I didn't think about it, but since the film festival is going on, this might be an interesting scene here—out of town filmmakers—that would be fun. But then, I probably won't know it—but you know, maybe there is a certain different atmosphere you get because of them. There was a guy at the counter talking to a woman—they looked like filmmakers—the dude a big, loud guy, middle-age, beard—then the woman companion came back, they all talked (but not like people who came here together) and the couple left, and then the guy started talking to the woman on the other side of him (this is all at the counter) and a little bit with the guy with that woman. Kind of interesting—you don't see that that often. Then there was a table of four who looked like they were involved—maybe just going to a movie (they pointedly asked for the check). Now there's a guy with a lanyard. This is in stark contrast with the scene at Ma Fischer's yesterday, where it was business as usual (single, crazy people like me, groups of students with hangovers) even though it's right next to the Oriental Theatre. Anyway, it's all in all a pretty good scene here. Maybe I should come here for Sunday Project—like during the heart of winter this winter—I sure wish I could spend like $6 though—oh, well—after all—this is the only place I know of where there is a waitress who I could have a crush on if I allowed myself to have crushes on waitresses anymore, which I don't—but maybe I should—like what am I trying to prove? It's not like it's about any disrespect—it's kind of goofy, I guess, because I'm too old. But wasn't I too old when I was in my thirties? Yes—so why is it any different now?—maybe it makes more sense now, if there is to be a dirty old man element to it, since now at least the old part is more pronounced. The dirty part isn't really dirty, anyway—but the thing is, I haven't been able to feel any kind of a crush feeling about anyone ever since I broke up with Cindy—or maybe it's more like ever since she died. I feel like that part of me has been really dormant, or dead, or just totally unenthusiastic, or maybe just gone—or outgrown...

I finally left the dining counter and am sitting in the lobby—I just like the atmosphere—maybe it's the film festival, but maybe it's October making it feel holiday-like—but now I feel self-conscious, too—especially when I sneeze! I wanted to finish this notebook, and write some very personal, crush-confession stuff (but not at that counter) knowing that I'll put this notebook away (not carrying it around, risking it getting lost) (not sure if I'm going to start another small notebook now, or soon?) But maybe I'll go to lunch this week and finish it then. Putting the notebook journals on my website (I'm going to continue that—maybe now) has made me feel a little self-conscious about it—though it will be forever before I get to this time in the project—if ever.