Waterloo – Pineapple

The only thing I like better than pineapple is nothing. The fruit, the image, the symbol—pineapple is weird and complex and fun. To be honest, there are a few things I like better: books, pumpkins, and cats. But that’s about it. The problem is, since I quit eating sugar, most sweet things taste ten times as sweet—too sweet, and no longer edible. So, I can’t really eat pineapple, or drink pineapple juice. The piña colada was once my favorite cocktail—back when I ate sugar (and, of course, drank rum). But that’s a seriously sweet cocktail, especially if you use cream of coconut, which is really sweet. The only part of that cocktail that’s not sweet is the ice—and if you 151 proof rum, that cuts it down a little. So, anyway, this Waterloo Pineapple Sparkling Water tastes exactly like pineapple—no complaints there. It’s a good one. Then it occurred to me how good this would be with rum—like a really dry white rum of impeccable quality. Or, how about this. Mix part this water, part coconut flavored sparking water (I know it’s out there), and rum—and now you have a not-too-sweet piña colada! Then it occurred to me—I’d better watch out—this sparking water business could very well be a slippery slope.

9.6.22

Polar – Black Cherry

I’ve had a few Polar Seltzers—and they’re an older company, apparently, in Worcester, Massachusetts—a town I’d move to in a second (if I had a job there) just because it’s a good diner town. Well, there are several diners, and I’ve only been to one, the Boulevard Diner, but it’s a great one. It’s long been my goal to visit them all—and try all the Polar varieties—so relocation seems imminent—just waiting for that job offer. For some reason “Black Cherry” sounds so much tastier than “Cherry”—but maybe that’s because I absolutely despise Cherry Coke (an aside: Dr. Pepper is not cherry cola—it’s its own thing—and I like it—but another discussion). Perhaps my revulsion is because I had a job where I had to use a cherry scented toilet cleaner. I’m afraid the association persists. But also, I just think cherry and cola go together like ice cream and mayonnaise. And I love cherries—a childhood neighbor had cherry trees where we spent a lot of time, climbing and eating. But one taste of this seltzer and—no. Gross. Sorry. Right to the bottom of the list. Well, we all need a basement—if for nothing else than a place to bury the bodies.

Addendum: I made an extra, small espresso one day and had put it in the refrigerator. Later, I got an idea: I poured it in a large glass, then filled it with this black cherry sparkling water—it foamed up impressively—it looked like the head on a glass of stout. And the shocking thing: it was delicious. For some reason, the coffee and cherry interact in a pleasant way that enhances them both. I’m sure I’m not the first to try this, but I’ll pretend I am, and now I have a new drink! I’m going to call it a “Black Cow.”

8.30.22

Gerolsteiner – Sparkling Mineral Water

It has a pleasant mineral water taste, very subtle, really. I could drink this all day… but can you drink too many minerals? Probably. Also, you’d be spoiled. It is good though, and the bottle is nice. If I was a rich guy, and someone did my shopping, I’d probably keep some of this stocked at all times and drink a bottle of it every couple of days of so. Maybe one a day, if I thought those minerals were doing me some good. Of course, with all the water out there, I hope to find mineral and flavored water that I like as much, or even more. And aren’t things more exciting when they aren’t every day—day in and day out? If you brushed your teeth only a couple of times a week, it might be more fun and exotic. Just had another glass and—I really like this water. It’s making me rethink the whole flavored water thing—maybe I should quit messing around with fruity this and vanilla that, and just drink G-Steiner, and/or what other fine mineral waters I can obtain without too much drama.

Gerosteiner is a German mineral water—it springs out of the ground somewhere in Germany, and they direct it into these nice, glass bottles (I believe they add the carbonation), and then it’s shipped across the ocean, here and there. That’s a lot of different vehicles, and loading and unloading… for explosive liquid… in glass bottles. It kind of makes me think of that movie, Sorcerer (1977). So… it should cost like hundreds of dollars a bottle—yet… it’s quite reasonable. So, really, I should be drinking this every day—just because of the opportunity. Also, nice, being in the glass bottle with a screw-on top, see, so you can close it without drinking all of it—since it’s kind of a lot for one sitting, sometimes—it contains 25.3 ounces (750 ml) which is, in liquor terms, a “fifth,” more or less. That’s a very deliberate size. If you’re drinking schnapps, when you get to the bottom of the bottle, you know it’s time to call it a night. Unless you’re drinking peach schnapps, in which case you’ve crossed the line simply by opening the bottle, and there’s very little on Earth or in Heaven that’s going to get you out of that mess.

8.26.22

La Croix – Pastèque

A few years back, when I drank sparkling water, and didn’t want to give it much thought, I just automatically went for this one, Pastèque (Watermelon), from La Croix, because as soon at it hit your nose… it’s watermelon. I’m a big fan of watermelon—in fact, I used to collect anything that exploited the image of watermelon—bowls, cups, potholders, magazine ads, jewelry, fine arts, you name it. I’m also a big fan of watermelon, the fruit, but I eat far too little of it. For one thing, it’s highly seasonal, and for another, they’re big, so if you walk to the grocery store, a watermelon might be your entire grocery trip. You can buy fruit salad, sure, with various melon ingredients, but watermelon doesn’t hold up well, for long, after it’s been cut into chunks, so it really has to be fresh—or it ends up just being sad.

I used to make a point of visiting summer festivals whenever I could, and my very favorite, growing up in Ohio, was the Milan Melon festival, which was always over Labor Day weekend in Milan, Ohio—which is one of my favorite small towns. It’s also the birthplace of Thomas Edison, which isn’t connected to melons, that I know of. Anyway, I don’t know why they got the Melon Festival—because Milan starts with “M” maybe? Anyway, I remember some good muskmelon, or cantaloupe, ice cream… but it’s hard to make good watermelon ice cream—or really, watermelon anything—that improves on watermelon. There’s some okay watermelon candy, but still, it’s just candy. So, this particular sparkling water is my favorite thing (that’s not watermelon) that’s got the essence of watermelon. Still not as good as watermelon (but then, watermelon isn’t even as good as watermelon, if you know what I’m saying)—but still one of my favorite flavored sparkling waters.

8.17.22

Waterloo – Grape

I admit to having a particular fondness for grape, as a flavor, even though grapes, as a fruit, can be all-over-the-place—from possibly the worst thing in a fruit salad, to one of the most evocative things you can put in your mouth. I read, recently, someone trying to explain why there is no grape ice cream, but it frankly made no sense to me. I think it’s just not that popular. As far as ice cream goes, though, when I was a kid, my very favorite flavor at Baskin-Robbins was Grape Ice. As far as soda pop, I always felt that Orange Crush was just “so-so,” but Grape Crush was awesome, up there with the best. When I did, unfortunately, drink Kool-Aid, as a kid, my favorite, by far, was grape. My favorite “Funny Face” (drink mix) character was Goofy Grape.

My very favorite scene in the movie, The French Connection (1971), is when Gene Hackman stops at a vendor in the subway while following a guy, and trying not to be noticed, says, “Get a grape drink.” Which is hilarious and makes him stand out like a man wearing a raincoat at a children’s playground on a sunny day. Grape juice, however, is not good, as the flavor cannot ever come close to matching the flavor of an actual, fresh grape. It’s always both too tart and too sweet. But anyway, juice is not for adults—it’s for children, and it may as well come in a box with a straw. So… this Waterloo “Grape” flavored sparking water is excellent. It has no sugar, no sweetener—yet you almost feel like it does, because the grape flavor is so very grape-y—which you associate sweetness. It’s a little bit of a fake-out, a swindle, a weirdness—but then you get used to it, like snow in August, and ultimately it’s a very, very nice sparking water. A week or so later, I’m trying another one, and I realize that the smell—of a fresh, bubbly glass—is exactly that of wine. This could be a slippery slope—if you’re susceptible to such things—or just really kind of exciting.

8.9.22

Sparkling Water Intro

I started writing these Sparkling Water Reviews on my dessert page (called “Pie”) in 2022 after I quit eating, for the most part, all sugar, or at least anything with added processed sugar. I even cut way back on natural sugar, and fruit, due to my digestion. I said back then: “But, since I can’t eat jack shit anymore—and if there literally was something called “jack shit,” I wouldn’t be able to eat that either—I’ve taken to finding subtle pleasures in subtle flavors.” Of course, since then, I’ve become quite fond of Jack Shit. Just kidding. What I didn’t expect is to end up writing about so many sparkling waters! I haven’t exhausted them all, yet, either, but I have also included “Hop Water”—which is a new obsession of mine, and in the future, I might also focus more on the subtle pleasures of still water. I ended my original intro with a nice sentiment, so I’ll include that here: “So, starting now, this is the place for reviews of WATER. I know that might sound sad and pathetic to those who enjoy doughnuts, banana splits and ice cream sundaes, entire cakes and milkshakes, candy, liqueurs, fudge, drugs, and PIE—but, so, consider yourselves lucky! But don’t feel sorry for me. I still drink coffee.”

—Randy Russell 1.14.25