“Mary Shut the Garden Door” – eighth song on Morph the Cat (Donald Fagen) (2006)

I will make a bold prediction, since going out on a limb is my business. People will soon be talking about a TV series called Mary Shut the Garden Door, which will be a reimagining of the world we live in (New York City/Los Angeles) had Donald Trump been reelected President and completed his project of transforming the Presidency into a strongman style dictatorship, enforced with an army of shadowy secret police/pod people/the undead. This will be the show everyone is talking about, though I won’t be able to see it, since it’s on MCN. At least I have the song. I do like to think that a movie or a book or a TV series can evolve from a single song, which will then be its theme song and, naturally, take on a life of its own. It’s not one of those old Bob Dylan epics—just a few good images do the trick, here, because then your brain is more than willing to run with it. They come: “In a fleet of Lincoln Town Cars”—“Headlights through the blinds.” There’s nothing more terrifying than: “Those voices in the kitchen.” And my favorite, which says it all more concisely than a 55-page teleplay: “We pounded Rachel’s radio / For reports about the bridge / There was nothing on but static / Nothing in the fridge.” For me, that’s perfect because it’s also funny—because amidst it all, we still laugh—because sometimes that’s all you can do.

The show’s soundtrack will no doubt feature some expressive meanderings of the dreaded “Melodica”—an instrument that, by its very nature, to me, says something you can’t put in words—so naturally I’m not going to be able to explain. I’m not even sure if that’s what I’m hearing—I’m guessing—but I recall seeing Donald Fagen play one on the internet, so… you know. I have to say, as much as I despise the instrument, he plays it with a sense of ironic restrain that I find acceptable, in service of the song. It’s a great song, very cool and understated, kind of moody and a little melancholy. It really does have the feeling of an episodic, weekly adventure series, each episode proposing a dilemma seemingly impossible to overcome, but of course, through ingenuity, courage, and an unforeseeable plot twist, we live to see another week, another season—at least until the ultimately inevitable final straw: cancellation/death.

If you’ve read this far you’re probably tearing your hair out, ready to cancel your subscription, about to burst, thinking out loud: “That sounds exactly like [     ] (insert “your” show—the one that I’m describing perfectly). I realize this. I am not really making a bold prediction—I’m just acting out the part of a person writing an article in which they preface the article that way. I have no idea what is going to be on TV in the distant, or near, future, because I have no idea what’s currently on TV—which consists of, I suppose, shows that are being broadcast week after week, and shows that are on “cable,” and shows that are “streaming.” The reason I don’t watch any of these is both because if I did, they would seriously depress me, and because I don’t care. I suppose this whole approach of writing about this song was one big mistake. I wish I could say that this mistake at least says something that a diabolical mental jump could relate to the song at hand… but it doesn’t. Still… excellent song.

—Randy Russell 4.14.21