“The Fez”—last song, side one of The Royal Scam (1976)

This was never one of my favorite Steely Dan songs, though now, listening to it closely, I do appreciate the groove—I especially love the bass—and as someone who never played bass, and generally listens to music with the bass response turned way down from what the kids like, and rarely listens through headphones—bass is often the last thing I hear. I guess this would be considered a “disco” song, and was released (I believe as a single, too) in the disco era—so I wonder if it was playing in the clubs? I'm sure plenty of people danced to it. Thinking about it now, it occurs to me what I don't like about this song is consistent to what I never liked about disco, which is, in some songs, that simple, repetitive synthesizer melody that is to some degree the song's hook—it's what a general audience would first latch onto, and remember, and perhaps like. For me, it's the very thing that makes the song suck. I would love to hear a version of the song with the synth part mixed out of it—I really think I'd like it much better. Another thing this song makes me think of is that Lou Reed song, “Disco Mystic,” which is similar to this song, I think, in spirit. That's actually a fairly insane song (it sounded pretty insane coming from Lou Reed in 1979). I also kind of loved it, and it just occurred to me that if I get a little stale on Steely Dan, I might go back to Lou Reed, one of my favorite songwriters of all time, and do a similar re-listening to and close examination of his songs.

As far as the lyrics go, this song is very minimal, repeating a variation on the line, “I'm never gonna do it without the fez on”—which is finally followed by: “That's what I am/please understand/I want to be your holy man.” A fez is one of those cylindrical red hats, usually with a tassel, associated with Eastern and Persian culture, etc., but also appropriated for use by odd American organizations like the Shriners, and hipster lounge acts. Not much a practical hat, it's one you'd probably rather sport in some kind of formal ritual. If I hadn't read a few things here and there on the internet (where, surprise, a lot of SD fans have opinions), it would never have occurred to me that fez is slang for condom—because I've never heard that, and didn't hear it growing up, and I was a young man, too, in the Seventies. Now I realize that “condom” has thousands of slang words assigned to it, so I can't deny that someone called a condom a fez at one time another, but still, I think this is one of those things that some wiseguy came up with and now everyone thinks it's the truth. Maybe Becker of Fagen even mentioned it in an interview, in which case I believe it even less, since they loved to fuck with journalists and their dumb questions. I realize “do it” often means sex, and “I want to be your man” means “I want to have sex with you”—and putting the “Holy” in there makes a fine joke on the condom/fez connection, so maybe it is true. Regardless of what they intended (and it's allowable for them to only half-intend things), that's what it seems like the consensus is, but for me it's always been a song about weird sexual practices. (Is there a word for wearing a hat during sex?) I don't want to get gross here, and I'd appreciate it if no one contacted anyone who I've been in an intimate relationship with in the past, but I have to admit a fondness for cowboy hats—and though I've never attempted intercourse while wearing a fez, a sombrero, or a shtreimel, I do admit to, once, the highly kinky implementation of a local sports team ball cap worn backwards. I'm kidding, of course.

—Randy Russell 2.16.20