Castelbel – Cotton Breeze – “Always Be A Unicorn”

“Tide”

This is a really big, white bar of pleasant smelling soap, though it didn't impress me too much at first. It came in green paper packaging with the brand “Castelbel” in silver letters with their crown logo, and then in gold glitter block letters “ALWAYS BE A UNICORN”—what does it mean? Under that: “Cotton Breeze Scented Soap,” and 300g or 10.5oz. Big. It's made in Portugal.

So I research “Always be a unicorn”—first brings up an insipid song and animation on YouTube. I shouldn't ever have bought this soap, and stuck to my always avoiding anything unicorn. But I was just intrigued, like a fool. Then an Etsy page. Good lord. Apparently there is this saying: “Always be yourself unless you can be a unicorn, then always be a unicorn.” Problems: that is too long, and it's stupid and annoying. Because it's presented as something you can't argue with. Except I WILL, because it says if you can be a unicorn then DON'T be yourself—so it's essentially implying there ARE NO UNICORNS. But why do they persist then? (Not to mention, if you take the second part of that phrase without the the first part, it means something entirely different.)

Maybe unicorn is the key—look it up: What is a unicorn? There is some weird sexual stuff I only just discovered—don't get into that—forget that part. As a mythical creature, I have NO USE for it—so why did I even buy this soap? Maybe there is a clue on their website: No, there is not. But the website is funny, awkward English—that's cheering somehow. Another funny thing on the packaging: “Cotton Breeze Scented Soap”—what does that mean?? Is it supposed to be the smell of fresh laundry? First impression: It smells like fresh laundry.Which is to say, it smells like TIDE—which is actually a positive thing with me. Note: See my short story, “Shit, Roses and Beer”—which is published in my collection, 5 Minutes Late (1988) TBS Publications (currently unavailable, but if you look diligently in those “little libraries” around town, I occasionally drop stuff off there).

Soap Review No. 70