2 January 1996

We—Heather, Kathryn, and I—came back to Portland today after visiting Heather's grandmother Louise yesterday. We went to the hot spring at Cougar Reservoir this morning, one of my favorite places in Oregon so far. Tomorrow kind of marks the two year point of Heather and I living in the Northwest—though I guess we got out here a little before Christmas 1993. We moved to Seattle in January 1994, and then to Portland in July '94. I've spent the years of 1994 and 1995 doing office temp work. I feel like I've worked a lot, worked very hard, had some of the worst jobs I've ever had, and had way too little time to work on my own stuff. But money-wise we're worse off than ever, even though we don't spend money extravagantly. But still we have to put most expenses on the credit cards—groceries and car repairs mostly, and now I'm about $14,000 in debt. It's really depressing, all in all, like a real downward spiral. And that's really kind of confusing, as everything else is more or less improving. It's something I just can't figure out, but I don't blame myself, totally. I don't set the wages, and I don't set the prices of things. But then I guess I could be doing something differently, couldn't I?

At any rate, tomorrow I get up and call the temp agencies. I have five now. Then they maybe or maybe not call me back with a job. Where, doing what, I don't know. In the meantime, do I get started working on anything? Do I go out running—something which I'd really like to start doing again? It's hard—I kind of have to stick around for the phone to ring, and it's always to my benefit to have taken a shower, gotten dressed, and eaten breakfast before they call with a job. It's really a horrible way of living, but if I could figure out something else, I would. I feel like the thing that would benefit me the most is to have a schedule I have some control over, or at least somewhat of a set schedule. I look for a regular job from time to time, but I've barely been able to find anything to apply to, let alone get hired. I guess getting up earlier to accomplish a few of these things I've resolved to do for the new year—like exercise, and read, and write—would help—the temp agencies don't call until eight—but I'm too tired in the morning anymore. And then once I do get a job, forget it. It's just the worst—but now I'm really tired, and going to sleep.