Packers

ROUGH times lately—and it’s my favorite time of year! Well, it still seems like the summer is never going to be over—can’t sleep at night—which probably exacerbates… but look, I’m not going to sit here and complain about minor health problems… when people all around me have major ones. Interesting—while waiting for the pharmacy to open this morning (down to the last pill!) I stopped in the liquor department and found myself holding a fifth of Evan Williams bourbon for a lot longer than I’ve held a cat, a baby, or an ailing bird, lately—it used to be my brand—and this is probably not a good sign—but then later today, I realized the Green Bay Packers have a player named Evan Williams—roughly my size, young enough to be my great-grand-son—so best of luck to him!

My real sob story lately requires a bit of a setup—about two years ago I got the idea that I’d write a mystery series! Because I like to read mystery series books, and I thought I’d try my spin on the form, for fun (much more that than any delusions that it might become immensely popular—and seeing how my take on the thing is a little weird… sure). I figured I might use a pen name (just for fun) or not, and I’d see, after one episode, if I’d have enthusiasm for more. Also, keep them short, and don’t be such a perfectionist! SO, the good news is I finished the first installment, and I did keep it short—but I couldn’t help it, I still had to do several revisions, re-writes, false starts, big changes, etc.… until I was finally happy with it. But I am—and am excited for people to read it. The other thing is, I thought I might use Amazon’s eBook and print-on-demand platform—since it’s “free” to use—and I can’t afford to print another book right now. The last four books I completed I self-published using the same company (Book Baby) who did a good job and were easy to work with, but… well, considering what they provide, book design, distribution, printing, etc. are—I think— fairly priced—but I’m not making enough money, working, lately, you know… Lately, I can’t even afford to do my favorite thing in the world, go out to breakfast, much less travel, party, or print books!

But when I tried to upload, format, download, design, what-have-you this book on the Amazon thing, I just couldn’t do it. Kind of weird in that I did actually do it with kindle books in the past—and it’s supposed to be a thing any idiot can do. But apparently, I’m not just any idiot—I have become an exceptional idiot… I guess. Can’t do it. Which, I’ve got to say, turned this day into the worst day of 2024, for me, so far, just from a futility standpoint. It probably didn’t help that when I took a break and a walk, I listened to a podcast about book publishing, and it was grim. I don’t want to pick on anyone, so I’ll just call this podcast: “The Last Podcast” (as in the last one you listen to before, you know…) Wrong Choice. So, then, I was trying to use the vending machines in the laundry room (for potato chips), but after the machine took my dollar, I had to try to scan the refund code and go to a website and fill out a refund form… and after 20 minutes of that, I had to give up on that, too! It all kind of recalled that Bukowski poem… which I can’t remember the name of right now, which is probably good, or at least… okay.

Maybe it’s all a sign, I thought, that I should finally give up on this “novel” writing game and just enjoy the end of my life! The thing is, there is nothing I enjoy doing more than writing these longer form fiction things (longer form than when I was younger and wrote serial fiction in zines which was at least manageable, and thus, satisfying). You can call them “novels” and I like that word—even though this new one (the first installment of the series) is technically “novella” length—which I think some people might like (shorter, I mean). I suppose I could just write stuff… and go onto what’s next… and not worry that when I die it’ll probably all go in the same dumpster as my “art” and letters and unrecorded songs and endless photographs.

But these longer form things, writing them, is really what keeps me going. Right now, I have four finished books (well, finished to “the end”—but in various stages of revision)—and they’re what I think about when I go to sleep at night—I mean, solving story problems, not tech-y problems—that’s how I’m able to sleep. You work on story problems in your dreams. Also… it’s how I can get up in the morning—for the two hours I have for writing before going to my job. So I won’t say I have to have these novels to work on—but I will say, I really, really want to. I don’t think I’m going to take up shuffleboard just yet. And as much as the endless re-writing, revisions, copy editing, and proofreading is seemingly endless sometimes, and even feels like slog-work at times, it’s still part of it—to get to the finished thing. Just writing first drafts and putting them aside strikes me as kind of depressing.

Oh, well, again, there are people with much worse problems. And I will have much worse problems, I’m afraid, and sooner than I want. But at least I can write about this stuff here (“Memo page”) where no one will read it—and not bother friends with my sad-sack complaining (who soon would no longer be friends, because who can put up with it?) —while watching the Packers game, which I’m doing now—and they just won! Just barely! (If life was like football, with the endless fucking official reviews, I don’t think I could take it!) Also of note, I put a good luck charm on Evan Williams by writing this (above)—and he just (minutes ago) was in on the game’s final, decisive, defensive play. You can’t make this kind of stuff up. It’s why I endure sports. You don’t have to, but you’re welcome to thank me, Packers fans.

—Randy Russell 10.6.24