Nixie – Peach Black Tea

Just as soon as I saw this Nixie water start to populate the shelves at my local sparking water store, it seemed to get scared off with uncommon prejudice. That might just mean it’s popular. I’ll check again tomorrow, but anyhow, trying the Peach Black Tea sparking water—surprisingly clear (it looks nothing like black tea) and surprisingly delicious. Peach is a flavor I have a natural bias against, just because I recall it being the first artificial flavor out there in alcoholic form. I’m thinking of the 1980s (whew!) and, you know, Peach Schnapps—the horror! Truly gross shit! Weirdly, I recently saw Peach flavored Crown Royal—they must be trying to reach the 12-year-old whiskey market. (Not 12-year-old whiskey, but thirsty 12-year-olds!) Contradictorily, I did like Richard’s Triple Peach sweet bumwine—though it was essentially a figure of “Masochist Night.” There was a fine little peach tree in my back yard growing up, and so I’ve always had a great fondness for ripe, fresh, peaches, off a tree—and I hold a high standard. So I’ve avoided most peach-flavored anything for most of my later-adult life. But this water is quite a surprise, as it’s delicious. Maybe it’s the combo with the very subtle tea flavor, but the peach is right there on top, and it’s good. The can is a homerun as well, metallic orange and dark green, with a metallic sliced peach rendition that really looks like a peach. Product name in various, slightly retro fonts in white—it’s a nice style.

7.4.24

La Croix – Pure

I may be wrong, but I sense that they put a little less carbonation in this unflavored La Croix than the others—just to give it that little bit extra minimal quality. It might be my imagination. Or, who knows, maybe every batch isn’t equal (the world is imperfect, so why not industrial food products?). I do find this pleasant, as inoffensive as any bottled water (which means delicious—since water is delicious). But personally, if I’m not going to drink a flavored carbonated water, I’d at least like to have a mineral water—and for me, the more minerally the better. (Well… up to a point.) There was a time—back in the bad old days—when your only option was sugary soda-pop… or club soda (or seltzer water). I drank a lot of the plain stuff—and that was in the days when I still drank beer, wine, brandy, rum, bourbon, gin, vodka, scotch, and tequila! Why would I want to drink this now? Yet there is a market for it. Who is the drinker of La Croix “Pure” sparking water? I’m guessing it’s the person who’s fed up with everything—just needing a break from it all. Or maybe someone who tried a string of the bad, perfumy flavored waters and just said, “no.” Or maybe you’re one of those people for whom cilantro tastes like soap. Or maybe your name is Larry David.

6.29.24

Hoptonic – Sparkling Earl Grey Black Tea

I wasn’t anticipating a mystery when I sampled this can of sparkling Earl Grey tea (Yaupon tea) flavored with hops. I looked it up online, of course, and found a website with entirely different looking cans, and no address. The one I have comes from Berkeley, and it’s in a stylish blue and green can with a drawing of tea leaf (I assume). The other one, on my screen, same product description but different can design altogether! Did two companies come up with the same name and product simultaneously? That’s what I’m assuming—and there is a webpage for the one I have—but then I see a web address on the can—and it’s the website of the other one! Grand mystery indeed! Anyway, there’s no mystery that this one is really good. It’s only mildly hoppy, and mildly Earl Grey, as well, but still quite delicious. In the glass, light brown, and a modest head—it would pass for a brewski. So if you’re, like, at the pub, and self-conscious (neither of those describes me, but still), you could drink this—and as your peers become less inhibited, a little dumb, and sloppy, you’ll just be getting more alert and more calm—serene, even—not to mention refreshed, and heathy, and smart. (Though, maybe not smart enough to solve this baffling conundrum!) I will keep an eye out for that other one (or other can) by the way.

6.25.24

La Croix – Lemon

Could this be the most overlooked La Croix flavor? Or the one the quietly, secretly, sells more than all others—just because Pure is too boring and Lime is too limey and Razz-this and that is too weird? Somewhere in La Croix HQ they’re holding the closely guarded sales stats—what I’d give to see that document! But come to think of it… maybe I’d rather not know. This is a pretty good water—there is something about lemon that’s amazing. I mean, this water isn’t, but lemon in general. Maybe the best part of lemon is when you scratch the surface of the peel and the fragrant oil sprays up—and you think of closeup photos of the sun. But believe me, the sun doesn’t smell good. How do I know that? I just do. There was another lemon-flavored water—I might have liked that one better, but I’m not falling for comparing them head-to-head—that vicious game—nor am I going to dwell on past reviews. It’s all new. Each new flavor a clean slate. The can resembles your pee after too many B vitamins—if your pee was metallic, that is. I can’t help thinking the perfect thing mixed in with this water would be a little gin.

6.18.24

Surly Brewing Co. – Axe Man Sparkling Hop Water

Naturally I’ll have to look up Surly Brewing Co., but one wonders if it’s someone’s name—or if they are named after the adjective, meaning something along the lines of ill-tempered. Could be downright nasty. And it wouldn’t surprise me, with all the young breweries out there, to find ones with handles like, Churlish Brewing, Unfriendly Beer, Nasty Bastard Brewery, Disagreeable Inc., etc. The can is an inspired mess—with its pileup of collaged skull images it resembles a punk rock flyer from the 1980s. I’m not sure what the actual name of this product is (website might help). It says “Axe Man Inspired” on the can. Hop water named after a serial killer? At any rate, it’s good! Quite a fine effort, I’ve got to say. Might I be so presumptuous to suggest a good balance? It boasts both Citra and Mosaic hops—possibly is that an excellent combo? Whoa… their website. I suppose it’s a good thing I can’t drink beer anymore—if I could, I would no doubt be eternally broke… and drunk all the time—not a good combination for meeting quality ladies. Their name seems to be about attitude, and plenty of it. Quite a success story—I’ve got no problem with it. If this fine hop water is any indication, it’s not all virtual ass-smoke.

6.12.24

Hoplark – (Limited Edition) w/ Lemondrop Hops

So… I was pretty excited to see a “limited edition” hopwater in the store. (This is going back a-ways—like I said—I’m really behind on these reviews!) They are smart and clever to come out with limited edition versions—I don’t think I’m the only one who is a sucker for that kind of thing. It’s in a 16 ounce can with a nice design, including a drawing of a bird with a yellow sunhat and backpack. Are there really hops called “Lemondrop?” Of course. It’s delicious, as I suspected, but I’m not sure I could differentiate it from any of the others—which is okay. It’s citrusy—but then pretty much all the hopwaters are citrussy. The notes on the can promise the flavor of a sugary lemon candy—I don’t know I’d go that far. “Balanced by woody and herbal undertones”—okay, I can see that. It is one of the more subtle of the hops flavors—I like it even more if I let it warm up a little (which is hard to do because it’s so refreshing—hard to not just drink it down!) … then the flavor is a little more pronounced. It’s one of nicest hops flavors, too.

6.9.24

Nixie – Lime Ginger

Uh, oh, here comes a new one. Okay, not new. (This is where I have to admit that I wrote a draft of this review last July—insane. Why am I so behind with finishing and posting these water reviews? I don’t drink that much sparkling water, do I? Not even a can a night. What is going on?) (It’s called time.) Anyway, on with the water—and first of all, there’s that name to grapple with. I guess it’s enough years post-Nixon, now, to call something Nixie. Oh, wait, there’s Nixon watches—and I even bought one, about 12 (now 13) years ago. (The fact that there’s no “Hitler” products out there yet (that I know about) should give one pause before getting too “punk rock” and naming your new business, Hitler Donuts. Too soon). This water is from Larkspur, California—where’s that? Oh, that area north of San Francisco, where I’d love to move. Three things holding me back: I’m guessing it’s pricy. Fires. A real lack of cheap, greasy-spoon, family restaurants that have been around for a while (one of my favorite things in life). Their website shows some restraint at this point. (This point being last July.) Okay, this one is really good, so I’m excited about trying more. (By this time, I have.) It’s ginger and lime, it should be good. The other ginger & lime water I’ve tried was that Polar one. (I’m not going to fall for comparing the two, and all that, but I remember that one, it’s still one of my favorites.) This one could be its equal. Something I’ve always asked for—ginger ale with no sugar and no artificial sweetener. It doesn’t need it! Ginger! It’s great. This is the one! (Now, if someone would only make a goddamn mint with no sugar or artificial sweetener!) The can is good, too—it’s busy and wacky, but also active and fun, and not too cute—it looks like a drink you’d buy, okay? Get this for your party or art opening… or suffer!

5.7.24

La Croix – Pamplemousse

Anyway, my theory is that this particular La Croix flavor was the catalyst for the increased popularity of flavor essence sparking water—though I can’t support that with hard data. Perhaps it’s documented? At any rate, part of the charm was that—unless you were French, or spoke French, or had a dog named Pamplemousse, or knew someone with a dog named Pamplemousse, or knew how to use the internet (in other words, everyone)—you had no idea what that meant—what the fuck was that flavor? But then you tasted it… and sure enough… it was Pamplemousse! So… how’s the flavor add up, now, with all this competition? It’s still one of the best, if you like the flavor of grapefruit—which I really do. Maybe it’s nice, too, in that grapefruit juice isn’t overly sweet like orange juice—so it’s more of a natural conversion, it makes more sense, like lemon and lime and cranberry. For unsweetened, flavor-essenced sparkling water, I mean. Whereas flavors like strawberry and orange are a little weird, at least in your mind. Well, they can make a good water from any flavor, it’s possible. I was just thinking, it’s been a long, long time since I drank any grapefiend juice. Forgot, even, how to spell it. Mostly because, I guess, I stopped drinking fruit juice altogether. I really have. Wait… something just occurred to me! (at the time, that is, that I first composed this review—see below* for an update). I don’t think I’ve yet seen any apple flavored sparkling water! Could that be? How could they have missed apple? Is it because apple needs the sweetness, and when they tried apple flavor without sweetness, it tasted like pumpkin? (I’m just hypothesizin’ here!) There is that really good Mexican apple soda, called Sidral Mundet—it’s the best—partly because it’s not too sweet—but then it is somewhat sweet, of course. (An aside: when I looked up how to spell Sidral, I came across an interesting article about: Why is apple soda so rare? It’s on the Sprecher website (they make an apple soda), so you can look it up. They reference The Botany of Desire, which I just re-read, so right now, I’m a bit appled to the core!) *Okay, at press time (now) I have seen an apple flavored water—at least one—so I’m sure there’s plenty. Not as popular as Pamplemousse, though!

4.30.24

Fair State Co-Op – Hop Water – Citra & Galaxy Hops

A hop water from Minneapolis—a place called Fair State Co-Op! I believe they make a few different varieties—different kinds of hops. This one is Citra and Galaxy. The can says: “Super tropical with notes of peach, guava, orange, and pineapple.” I didn’t find it as such, exactly, though I’m no expert. It is delicious, I know that. The flavor is particularly citrussy, almost too much so—a bit winey even—very lively. I like the can—attractive, orange and off-white, a flat, or kind of matte label (all the craze) on a silver, aluminum can. Used to never see that—I’m guessing it’s a microbrew trend—a label stuck on a silver can—it doesn’t go all the way around, so there’s a space where the ends don’t meet—and it also doesn’t go all the way to the top or bottom. They want you to know it’s a label. Very interesting trend. Oh, and it’s a 16 ounce can—which I like, because I always want those extra four ounces. Trying it once more—this review is accurate, but I’m afraid it’s not my favorite—maybe I’m getting more discerning—more picky as I try more. Anyway, it’s OK—but delicious might be too positive. Quite nice, or something. Trying the last one—and I agree with the above—it is quite nice, not necessarily delicious. The one word that came to me again is winey. Which, I guess—as long as we’re talking about a drink, and not a person—is cool.

4.4.24

Klarbrunn – Citrus Blend

This one is not great. Kind of exactly what you’d expect from that lame handle: “Citrus Blend.” Ha! It sounds like something that might be your only choice besides tapwater at the Mediocre Cafeteria in Halfass Town. Trying it again… with a fresh perspective! It’s still blah. Almost a little off-putting. There is a strong suggestive element with these waters. What if the same water was called: Dangyuja Burst? It might make it taste better. But as it is, it reminds me of one of those too large, pithy, flavorless oranges that give oranges a bad name. Whenever you can’t specify the flavor (like “Mixed Fruit” jelly) it implies the desperation to use up an inferior product. Naturally, I don’t know how that applies to a water. Anyway, I’m a big fan of this company and their excellent can design, but this flavor’s can is even kind of blah—the three overlapping teardrops are orange, a very slightly less orangey orange, and a slightly lighter shade of orange. They could have called it “Orange You Thirsty?”—or something.

3.21.24

La Croix – Razz-Cranberry

Another really underwhelming effort at flavor razzle-dazzle pseudo cocktail jazz. The big problem here is that it tastes perfumy—and it occurs to me—that’s where these flavored sparkling waters can go wrong. Perfumy. As I’ve said before, I’m always suspicions when two flavors are blended, and this is no exception. I don’t even taste any cranberry in here, for one thing. Also, it’s annoying how La Croix uses the “razzberry” spelling twice (or maybe more, by now)—for what is the very coolest fruit there is—because of the coolest spelling: raspberry. I don’t care if “razzberry” is an accepted spelling or not—I don’t accept it. If the internet does, that only confirms that the internet is moronic. Just because enough morons do something, accept something, or want something, doesn’t make it any less moronic. Maybe more moronic. And besides the spelling problem, and the perfume-ness, I’m also tired of all the flavor combinations that don’t do much for me—especially when there are so many flavors they haven’t even explored yet. Such as: kumquat, cucumber, and mulberry—just for starters. I could go on. And I probably will—I mean, with the flavor suggestions. That gives me an idea for a list!

3.5.24

Waterloo – Cherry Limeade

So much cherry. Why so much cherry? Anyone named Cherry I’m cool with. Choo Choo Cherry was cool. (I’m not sure, but wasn’t he introduced because the earlier Funny Face cherry flavor was an offensive stereotype? I’m not going to look it up and go into that Funny Face rabbit hole). Cherry bombs are better than firecrackers. That story about George Washington chopping down the cherry tree but not being able to lie about it—is in fact a lie—but it’s somewhat poignant to think there was a time when we valued honesty in public figures. I won’t lie—this one is not as good as Polar’s “Tart Cherry Limeade” (though, is that because of the suggestion of tartness and essence? I don’t know). (See previous Polar review.) (Also, see every previous review of cherry flavored water for my problems with cherry flavor.) The best thing I can say about this one it that it’s subtle. But why so much cherry? It strikes me as lazy. I’m going to make a list, sometime, of all the flavors that have crossed my mind that would make exciting sparkling water flavors—but I have not yet seen!

1.28.24

Polar – Tart Cherry Limeade

They nailed this one. As I said before, I’m not a fan of cherry—there’s something about any kind of cherry flavor/fragrance (other than cherries)—like with Cherry Coke and cherry-scented toilet cleaner—that turns my stomach. And that might just be because the prevailing artificial cherry used in factory food is gross. So, I don’t know that they used here, but it’s really good. Either the cherry flavor, or the way it blends with the “essence of” lime—it’s really just perfect. Another one of those Polar waters that includes essence—in this case, “essence of fresh lime.” How essence is different from “natural flavors,” I have no idea—but it seems to be different, taste-wise. The can is another good one, too—over-the-top—metallic pink with five horizontal silver stripes going around, and then a giant, pale yellow lime with a darker metallic green leaf, and then two metallic red cherries, hanging on stems. Maybe it’s just the can that’s making me like the flavor—the suggestion is strong enough. It could be that the magic is in the name—“Tart Cherry Limeade”—that just sounds like it has to be good, right?

12.30.23

Klarbrunn – Raspberry

Another really nice can—strong design—if I’d seen someone drinking this, I’d go, “Whoa! What is that?” It looks very cool—the fonts, design, and color combinations. Klarbrunn has it going on. This a quite subtly flavored fruity water—which maybe is for the best. It definitely tastes raspberry. While I was drinking it, I got to thinking about the old days of “soda pop”—how you’d get the really super sugary “pop” with enough toxic red color to make a swimming pool pink and enough sugar to put a normal person in a coma. Of course, we were all addicted and used to the sugar. What if kids grew up drinking this instead? —they’d all have their favorites, get excited about new ones, levels of intrigue and cool—and once you get off the sugar addiction, just the bubbles and the flavor and the cold is equally as satisfying as a sugary soda pop and, I maintain… more refreshing. Also, I tried this one with coffee (the idea is—any flavor that would mix well with chocolate might go good with espresso, and this one is no exception). The next challenge is to name it. “Black Cow” is taken, so come up with a new name, like… black something, or something black. Berry Black. Black Snake. Black Beret, etc. Ideas. Should I do regular cocktail reviews? I mean flavored sparking water mixed with cold coffee cocktails? Perhaps in the future, when the water options dry up (if they ever do).

12.26.23

Hoplark Sparkling HopTea – the Green Tea One

This has a more subtle hop flavor than the other Hoplarks I’ve tried, but it’s still there, and very delicious. Though… at first, I thought it tasted a little like pee. But I think I was just reacting to the look of it in the glass—plus, I have no idea what pee tastes like. This is probably the lightest of the Hoplark waters—green tea being like the subtlest thing on Earth (unless, of course, you use scalding water, and expose (too much) tea to the water for a year—and then it’s one of the bitterest things on Earth). Okay. And it uses Mosaic Hops—whatever that means. I guess I can look it up. I’m guessing they are NOT the “Porter House Steak of hops.” One would imagine their flavor as… multifaceted. And it doesn’t taste like pee. And let me reiterate: I have no idea what pee tastes like.

12.14.23

La Croix – Black Razzberry

My understanding is that black raspberries are raspberries, not blackberries, and they also aren’t black, but purple. Am I wrong? Not sure why they spell it like that—“Razzberry” instead of “Raspberry”—is that an alternate spelling? It’s not in any dictionary of mine! It’s fruity, as one might expect. My initial reaction is “not good”—but perhaps I’m biased by the foul day—I’ll have to give it another chance. Tasted it again on a less foul day. No. It’s okay. Just boring. Does the world need another fucking berry anything? Again, that’s the foul mood talking. How about a water called “Berry Gold Water?” At least that’s funny. Anyhow, this gets me thinking about that whole “blue raspberry” thing—you know, with Slurpee and Flavr-Ice—more than one brand decided that bright blue was the color of raspberry—why? Wine coolers, even, at one point! Well… I always kind of celebrated the blue food thing, that unnatural color imposed—it just seemed so crazy—so even to this day, I like it. In fact, if I totally imagine this water to be bright blue—close my eyes and taste it—now it totally makes sense to me. What if they decide, for a change, that they’d artificially color just one of their sparking waters—blue—this one—would people freak out? Or would it sell like hot cakes?

12.7.23

Waterloo – Tropical Fruit

I bought the last can at Whole Foods as they were de-stocking it—or maybe it’s discontinued, or out of season—I don’t know. This is a delicious water! I’ve got to say! Very fruity, and very… tropical. A pleasure any time of year, not just summer. I really don’t get why people want to enforce seasonal tastes—the seasons do enough enforcing on their own (and there are certainly things, like some produce, that are truly seasonal). But what I don’t get is when people close up shop (metaphorically) and hibernate in the colder months. I think some people just LIKE to be depressed—but I don’t understand WHY. Anyway, what is the flavor here? Blindfolded, I would guess—tropical fruit! On the can there’s a picture of a grapefruit and pineapple and something else, which looks kind of like durian. Could that be? Their website says blood orange (so that’s not a grapefruit), and pineapple, and mango. Oh, okay, it’s mango. Very good, the combo of those three. But now I’m thinking that durian sparkling water would be a home run (or at least a hole-in-one)—if anyone wants to take the chance. Wait… maybe there is one? Only a quick search, and I see a durian soda, but it’s got high fructose corn syrup in it—so gross. Come on! Get with it, durian sparkling water pioneers!

11.21.23

Hoplark – Sparkling HopTea – The Calm One – made with Chamomile

This is a combo that makes a lot of sense as a tincture—most likely I’ve had tea hops and chamomile—intended for relaxation. Though… the last time I quaffed a cold, refreshing version of hops, chamomile, and carbonation—it was natural carbonation—brought about by fermentation. Yes… I’m talking about beer (even more relaxing) ha!  That would have been 1988 or so—we had regular beer production in the house I lived in (5-gallon crocks at a time). I had personally been making beer for a dozen years by then, off and on. (Ideas for titles for my memoir: “Under (Bever)age” or “Leave It To Beverage.”) I was into experimentation by that point (high alcohol, super stout, garlic, chamomile), and the chamomile beer was one of the more refreshing. It was called Chuck Berry Lager (the names didn’t always make the most sense). Might I have followed these pioneering ways to abdicating the throne of big beverage? (Something like that.) Probably not. Ever since God’s been replaced by Google, the voice speaking to Man tells him he’s necessarily late to the game—never first, and certainly not best—kind of sad—but at least those “divine” voices are quieted. It never ends well for true pioneers, anyway—madmen down the hall in hoarder hotels, or dead in the bottom of mineshafts. Oh, what’s it taste like? It is really good. I might not like it as much as some the other Hoplarks, but still, it’s right up there. I guess I like the bitterness and fragrance of hops! I guess there’s a good reason they put it in beer!

11.9.23

AHA – Blackberry + Lemon

Just saw, AHA in the news—Coca-Cola, who makes it, is cutting back. They must have found that it doesn’t fuel the space aliens, like Diet Coke—and 4 out of 5 dentist$ want you to drink regular Coke. Anyway, this one—another good flavor—very fruity, definitely blackberry. I really like this flavor—though something tells me it’s artificial as hell—I think because it reminds me the most of Kool-Aid as any sparkling water I’ve yet had. Not that Kool-Aid had a blackberry (back in my day), but still, there’s a subtlety to the flavor that recalls that nostalgic Kool-Aid fruity flavor. The can is purple and yellow, but it doesn’t look like the LSU football uniform (or any other sports team I can think of). It’s one of the more fucked up looking cans, actually—the three cartoon blackberries floating in a yellow background look more like the artist representation of coronavirus, or cartoon meteoroids in space—a meteoroid field we have to navigate the spaceship through to get to our supply of Diet Coke.

10.23.23

Alani – Orange

I do like the tall, thin 12-ounce cans. It just struck me, picking this one up—imagine a world where we haven’t yet had this sparking water/flavored seltzer/etc. craze—and you’d find this oddball, skinny tall can, metallic orange with green leaves—and it’s—no sugar! No sweetener! Just water, bubbles, and flavor? How weird would that be? I’d be taking this along to all my many many many many social appearances, that’s for sure. Unfortunately, there’s something a little off about the flavor. But wait… let’s see if it grows on me. You know, sometimes that happens. Sometimes what is gross at first later becomes the best thing ever. But not always, and in this case… no.

10.19.23