Waterloo – Grape

I admit to having a particular fondness for grape, as a flavor, even though grapes, as a fruit, can be all-over-the-place—from possibly the worst thing in a fruit salad, to one of the most evocative things you can put in your mouth. I read, recently, someone trying to explain why there is no grape ice cream, but it frankly made no sense to me. I think it’s just not that popular. As far as ice cream goes, though, when I was a kid, my very favorite flavor at Baskin-Robbins was Grape Ice. As far as soda pop, I always felt that Orange Crush was just “so-so,” but Grape Crush was awesome, up there with the best. When I did, unfortunately, drink Kool-Aid, as a kid, my favorite, by far, was grape. My favorite “Funny Face” (drink mix) character was Goofy Grape.

My very favorite scene in the movie, The French Connection (1971), is when Gene Hackman stops at a vendor in the subway while following a guy, and trying not to be noticed, says, “Get a grape drink.” Which is hilarious and makes him stand out like a man wearing a raincoat at a children’s playground on a sunny day. Grape juice, however, is not good, as the flavor cannot ever come close to matching the flavor of an actual, fresh grape. It’s always both too tart and too sweet. But anyway, juice is not for adults—it’s for children, and it may as well come in a box with a straw. So… this Waterloo “Grape” flavored sparking water is excellent. It has no sugar, no sweetener—yet you almost feel like it does, because the grape flavor is so very grape-y—which you associate sweetness. It’s a little bit of a fake-out, a swindle, a weirdness—but then you get used to it, like snow in August, and ultimately it’s a very, very nice sparking water. A week or so later, I’m trying another one, and I realize that the smell—of a fresh, bubbly glass—is exactly that of wine. This could be a slippery slope—if you’re susceptible to such things—or just really kind of exciting.

8.9.22

Sparkling Water Reviews - Until Further Notice...

SINCE today is National Rice Pudding Day—I’m a little sad, since I can no longer, due to dietary restrictions, eat rice pudding. Well, maybe I could get away with a small one—but it’s almost impossible to find rice pudding anymore—I mean, at diners, at least where I live. This has got me rethinking this “Dessert Page” once again. I’m going to continue to use the heading “Pie” —because, even though I can’t eat pie, I consider pie to be the highest art form achievement of human beings. But, since I can’t eat jack shit anymore—and if there literally was something called “jack shit,” I wouldn’t be able to eat that either—I’ve taken to finding subtle pleasures in subtle flavors. So, starting now, this is the place for reviews of WATER. I know that might sound sad and pathetic to those who enjoy doughnuts, banana splits and ice cream sundaes, entire cakes and milkshakes, candy, liqueurs, fudge, drugs, and PIE—but, so, consider yourselves lucky! But don’t feel sorry for me. I still drink coffee.

8.9.22

PIE

Between me swearing off all sugar and the global pandemic, there hasn’t been much activity on the page in the last year. I’m leaving up the old posts, however, as they might still be worth looking at. In the future, I might take a more conceptual approach to desserts—though I’ll still be on the lookout for rice pudding. Also, I stand by the ice cream flavor rankings.

Dessert Dreams

Chapter One – Buried Alive!

I'm attracted to Oak Creek (the creek itself, more than the community) because it seems to originate over in Franklin from some guy's swimming pool, then twists and turns, as creeks do, finally crossing under the “Little Hoan” and emptying out in Lake Michigan. A park and parkway follows much of its length, reminding me a lot of the Valley Parkway Trail in Cleveland. There's also quite a bit of the Oak Leaf Trail that follows its length, even with some bridges in the woods that remind me of that “Owl Creek Bridge” movie.

Chapter Two – Hidden Treasure

I recently followed the trail down to Drexel Road (which will forever remind me of the Drexel Theater in Columbus, Ohio, where I've had some life-changing two-hour segments), and over to this relatively new little Indian restaurant called Indian Delight. There I had a bowl of Kheer, delicious Indian rice pudding, that was subtly flavored with cardamom and other things, I think. I big bowl, but not too sweet, so I could have probably eaten it all day.

Chapter Three – A Desperate Plunge

Feeling lucky, Oak Creek-wise, I headed down today to check out a breakfast place I saw on the map called the Market Place Cafe. A fine breakfast spot, with comfortable booths, I'll return, but I was extra excited to see Rice Pudding on the menu! But when I asked for it, the waitress told me it was discontinued, and had been for like two years (sad face). I don't know if younger people don't like rice pudding, and it's seen as an old-fogies thing, or what, but it's starting to really concern me, the disappearance of rice pudding! But I won't give up, and sometimes something’s scarcity makes it extra exciting.

Chapter Four – Mistaken Identity

The good thing is that since I hadn't eaten dessert, I still had one dessert allowance (personal rule) for the day, and as an online source told me it was National Banana Split Day, I decided to head in that direction. Well, back north. Next stop (after Cudahy, of course) was the South Shore Farmers Market where I tried a delicious gluten-free dessert item from a relatively new GF bakery (who have a cafe, I guess, docked over there near that lake boat, The Maple (1st Street, near Becher) (I'll try it out later, in cafe reviews). I feel bad because I think it was raspberry (it was red and sweet and tasty) torte or tart—not sure what the guy said—so I had to look online to see what those things are—apparently a tart is somewhat offensive slang for a woman with “loose morals,” and tort is a legal thing, a civil wrong leading to a liability—as in, if this wasn't actually gluten-free (good news, it was A-OK #didnthurl).

Chapter Five – A Cry for Help

Still, not sure what to call it, so I'll call it gone, for one, and delicious, for another. I'll learn more when I visit their bakery—it's called MOR—which could be an acronym (I'm surprised they didn't throw that one at me at my job yet—I've been getting slapped with every acronym known to man). I thought it used to have something to do with a kind of music, like “Middle of the Road”—but that's never good, is it? I looked online, and saw a good one, “Modulus of Rupture”—which struck me as the best not-yet-taken band name (so I looked online, and yes, it's already a band (there are no untaken band names). Anyway, now I'll probably remember the name of this place, anyway.

Chapter Six – Frank's Plan

Next stop, then, should have been home, but since I was on the bike trail I zipped up to Capitol where the Culver's has a bike trail exit. I'd never eaten at a Culver's, actually—it's generally too chain-like, too fast-food-like, but seeing how that one dessert got me thinking about another, and it's Banana Split Day, hell yes. That's what I ate. I love the banana split, even though it's ridiculous, in that it's just like piling one sweet thing on top of another. That didn't stop me, though—I figure I can tolerate like one a year. So after I got home (bike riding helped alleviate the sugar coma), I looked online again, and saw that National Banana Split Day is actually August 25th—and today is National S'Mores Day! Well, fuck S'More's, anyway—and, I guess, this is a kind of contested thing, which day is Banana Split Day. The source that said it's today lists August 25th as National Whiskey Sour Day, ha! So I guess why not just have a Banana Splits both days, and add a Whiskey Sour on the 25th? Or if you're one of those retro-drinkers, why not make every day Whisky Sour day?—it'll be like your trademark. All I know is that my rice pudding quest continues—if there was ever a dessert that needs a champion, it's rice pudding—or maybe just pudding—pudding, in general. It's a really funny word if you think about it. Pudding. Wait, that would he the best band name—Pudding—no, wait, there's already a band with that name.

*Please note: I find random chapter titles work as well as anything. These are from The Hardy Boys Mystery – The Disappearing Floor.

Tapioca Pudding at the South Milwaukee Cafe

211 N. Chicago Ave., South Milwaukee, Wisconsin

I'm writing this today because it's National Vanilla Pudding Day (May 22), and last weekend I visited the South Milwaukee Cafe for the first time, which was at one time a George Webb, later a Griddlers, and if it wasn't for the current owners... closed. But it's now a vibrant, living, breathing diner, open early, open late, your home away from home. Of course, I was hoping to find what's been harder and harder to find lately, the dessert holy grail, rice pudding. No dice. But at least they had what I'm still considering second best, tapioca pudding (if you are someone who prefers tapioca to rice pudding, I can't argue with you—I love tapioca, and it's arguably weirder—it's just that I'm obsessed with rice pudding even more). This was the most vanilla-y flavored pudding I've had in a while—and while vanilla is something that can either repulse me or seduce me (depending on its particular essence) this one was very pleasing. The consistency of the pudding itself (too consistent, not separating at all) was suspiciously like factory-made, but the color was so extremely off-white (as to be considered beige), it struck me more as homemade. I don't know—and I'd rather not know. I just like that it exists. The cafe was warm and comfortable—a woman next to me at the counter even struck up a brief conversation (this never happens, particularly if you sport a semi-creepy countenance, as I do), and the people working there all seemed either like family or extended family—more engaged than you'll ever see at a chain restaurant. This is a place I'll come back to—if not sooner, on National Tapioca Pudding Day, July 15th.

Rice Pudding at Omega

3473 S. 27th Street, Milwaukee, Wisconsin

The open 24 hour family restaurant diner, Omega (it used to be Paul's Omega, or maybe it still is, or just Omega, now?) on South 27th Street used to be my favorite restaurant in Milwaukee—though I can't really explain why. Anyway, I don't make it out here much anymore, but I visited on a Saturday morning and asked if they had rice pudding—the waitress checked, and they did—leading me to believe they don't always have it, or it's not always made. I believe it was $2.50—anyway, very reasonable. It's served in a small bowl and has a very milky, almost runny consistency—and very sweet, though short of insanely-sweet. Very good flavor, that of a classic rice pudding. I got it with cinnamon, but no whipped cream—which is always a hard decision: Unadorned? Cinnamon/no whipped cream? Or both? I suppose no cinnamon and (yes) whipped cream could also be an option, but that would be insane.

Rice Pudding at Beans & Barley

1901 E. North Ave., Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Beans & Barley is one of those places that's been around forever and easy to take for granted, but you shouldn't, because the next thing you know, it's gone and an Applebee's has opened there. I was looking at their online menu and didn't see the rice pudding, but lately I've been wondering if restaurants don't list their desserts online—maybe it's because they make a batch daily and when it's gone it's gone? I don't know, but anyway, their rice pudding is my favorite thing at B&B—so I stopped by early on a Saturday and asked, and they had some. It tasted like it was just made, actually, very fresh and good. This is the oddest style of rice pudding, essentially a custard, I guess. I will eventually ask someone how they make it and have an excuse to eat and review it again—it's one of my favorites. It can be served cold (out of the cooler, I imagine) or heated up—which I prefer. You get a square, pie or quiche-like thing, with the rice and raisins (or currants?) on the bottom, and then a fluffy, eggy custard above that, with a browned, slightly hardened top. There are at least four different consistencies going on, and a nice subtle flavor (I'm guessing vanilla, but not overly so, and the spices aren't overpowering). The best thing is that it's not overly sweet—hardly sweet at all—you could get this as an entree if you wanted, or with something. It's really an interesting combination of hippie food and ethnic food, though I'm not sure what ethnicity. I don't know the history of this style. Anyway, a perfect visit to Beans & Barley is coffee and this rice pudding—don't know why I don't do that more often!

Kheer at Bollywood Grill

1038 N. Jackson St., Milwaukee, Wisconsin

I've eaten many, many times at Bollywood Grill's Indian lunch buffet, and it's a good one. Among their desserts they always have kheer—the problem is, they also always have another interesting dessert, like a fruit custard, and they always have mango ice cream—so, following a buffet in which it's impossible to not eat at least ten items, no mater how small you're buffeting your portions, it's hard to get out of the place without feeling like you need to go lie on the couch and fall asleep to the Detroit Lions. I'd be better off with no dessert, but it's hard to resist that mango ice cream, so there are times when I actually skipped the kheer—so I made a point to concentrate on it, last visit. I'm not sure if the preparation doesn't sometimes vary (as it may well, with a kitchen this size, and this busy) but it's consistently excellent, not too sweet, a fairly runny consistency, and with a very subtle and complex flavor that makes me want to keep taking bites to try to figure it out. There's a small amount of raisins and some kind of nut, not dominating—nothing dominates. Most definitely some cardamom. I'd like to know the preparation, and who knows, they may or may not share that info, but I also like not to know—I like mystery, and guessing—and also, I like the idea that I have a reason to keep returning to this excellent portrayal of kheer—maybe my favorite version of rice pudding—though is this one my favorite kheer? I have a lot of work to do.

Rice Pudding at Ma Fischer's

2214 N. Farwell Ave., Milwaukee, Wisconsin

I didn't see desserts on the menu, and they don't seem to push them here—well, at least not at breakfast—and I only go to Ma Fischer's for breakfast. They do have a display case of pies—I love those display cases! I asked about rice pudding, and the waitress smiled (like no one ever asked?—or like, “Oh, an old guy!”—and asked the musical rice pudding question: “Do you want whipped cream and cinnamon?” It's my habit—and will be my standard of control—to decline whipped cream and ask for cinnamon. I watched the waitress go to a large cooler and take out a plastic tub (which is hopefully a sign that it's made there, in a fairly large batch, and refrigerated) of rice pudding, and spoon it into a small pudding dish. She sprinkled it with cinnamon and served it on a small plate with a dessert spoon. It was initially pretty pungent—the cinnamon, of course, and a lot of vanilla. The color, kind of grayish, off-white, not really attractive—which is actually another sign that it's made there, and with few ingredients—and also that it's a little runny. It was very tasty—didn't have the factory pudding consistency—but a homemade consistency. Too sweet though. I ate it all, what I would call a small portion, with delight—but my one criticism is that it's too sweet. Too too sweet. Sweeter than sugar, sweeter than honey, sweeter than a bank account, full of money. Waaaay too sweet. But otherwise pretty good!

Rice Pudding

As a person with celiac disease, and as a person also trying to avoid sugar as much as possible, it probably makes as little sense dedicating myself to the dessert page as it would a beer list. But, still, I love desserts, and even though many are off-limits to me (except in their often sadly inferior gluten-free versions) I am still going to write about them (even if my field work is limited).

I don't remember when I first ate rice pudding—I wish that I did—I don't think it was in childhood. But as a naturally gluten-free dessert, and also one that is sometimes not overly sweet, and also one of the least expensive desserts out there—rice pudding is my favorite. It also exists in wildly different variations—no two are alike, and some are as different from each other as the miserable rich and the happy to be alive.

Check back here with anticipation and impatience for upcoming rice pudding reviews and discussion!

Best Ice Cream Flavors in the Universe

The reason I picked “31” as a number (instead of 10 or 100) is because of the original Baskin-Robbins 31 Flavors ice cream stores (DUH) which were kind of a big deal when I was little, though not without critique, and looking at the flavors they are now sporting—Danger Will Robinson!—there's some nauseating attempts at flavor supremacy, like “America's Birthday Cake”—I mean, ugggh. I want to make it clear, while this is MY personal list of favorites, it's also a non-subjective list of THE BEST, and not open for debate. If anyone reading this is REALLY not happy with the results, and REALLY wants to get their favorite ice cream on this list, I will consider a bribe in the form of—you guessed it—a bowl of the ice cream in question—email me to arrange the bribe.

THE 31 Flavors, bottom to top.

31 - Cotton Candy

30 - Banana Nut

29 - Chocolate and Peanut Butter

28 - Lemon Sorbet

27 - Pralines and Cream

26 - Butterscotch

25 - Raspberry Sherbet

24 - Black Cherry

23 - Watermelon

22 - Lemon Custard

21 - Black Walnut

20 - Caramel

19 - Lime Sherbet

18 - Butter Brickle

17 - Peppermint Stick

16 - Green Tea

15 - Daiquiri Ice

14 - Maple Walnut

13 - Cantaloupe

12 - Egg Nog

11 - Mango

10 - Pistachio

9 - Dulce de Leche

8 - Vanilla Frozen Custard

7 - Rum Raisin

6 - Red Bean

5 - Coffee

4 - Coconut

3 - Blue Moon

2 - Spumoni

1 - Grape Ice

Footnotes

1. Grape Ice was at Baskin-Robbins during my childhood, and always my favorite.

2. Flavors that are NOT here: Anything that requires a TM or ® next to the name.

3. Nothing brand specific.

4. Nothing regional specific.

5. Nothing with a cute rhyme in the name that's more about the name, or named after dead rock stars.

6. No “salted” anything (salt is for eggs and steaks, not desserts).

7. ESPECIALLY, nothing that sounds like it is better suited to go in an oven than your mouth, i.e. “cookie dough” ice cream, or even worse: “cake batter.” I just vomited.

8. And while I may include sorbet, sherbet, and frozen custard, there is no “frozen yogurt” here, just because... OK—it reminds me of how back in the 1980s, yuppie businessmen, unable to smoke and drink liquor in the office anymore, all got horribly addicted to the frozen yogurt that popped up in urban centers, and they would take a break and go out to get a “yogurt”—to which I would say, No, you're not eating yogurt, you're eating ICE CREAM. So I guess technically, I should include it, but it annoys me.

9. Also, I'm disqualifying Rainbow Sherbet because rainbows have no flavor—in fact it would make a great diet food—there is no sugar, no fat, no calories, no flavor, no substance at all—wait, it's not even there anymore, where'd it go?

10. As much as I like the name Neapolitan, and I like how it looks, it's kind of boring when it comes down to it, so it got bumped by Spumoni, which is similar but has much more exciting flavors, in fact, really, really exciting, one of my very favorites.

11. Some perennial favorites that didn't make the list: Mint Chocolate Chip, because I don't like how those chocolate chips stay frozen no matter how mushy the ice cream gets. It always ends up feeling like you have dirt in your ice cream.

12. And Pink Bubblegum, as much as I like the flavor, when you end up with a mouth full of food you can't swallow (i.e., gum—is gum food?) that's just gross. Especially if you're not a gum chewer, and I am NOT—I'm an adult.

13. And Orange Sherbet—if you saw the Mad Men episode at the Howard Johnson's, Orange Sherbet would put you off your lunch, too.

14. Not including Peach because just the THOUGHT of Peach Schnapps made peach gross for life (And “Triple Peach” is not an ice cream flavor, it's a “bum” wine, though one of the finest of all time.)

15. Chocolate – boring.

16. Strawberry – boring.

17. The Vanilla here is the frozen custard variety at places in Milwaukee, such as Leon's (it's the best looking place, too).

18. Oh, yeah, and NO Schweddy Balls—for the love of God!