July 1, 1982 – Late

I went out with Nancy tonight and had a great time. We went shopping and went to the Kahiki. But then when I dropped her off, I felt horrible. When I got home I was so lonely. No one was around. I called her and felt like a real jerk. What do I want? For her to sleep with me. No, not really. For her to say she loves me. Not if she doesn’t mean it. For her to love me. Of course.

This is why I really hoped she would just stop by for a homebrew or three tonight. I was feeling really cool. Dealing with things OK. Then I figured I would not see her tomorrow and just head to Sandusky real quick after work. That would be easiest. I have not been seeing her that much anyway, and am getting used to it. I think it is a good thing, that will help us. Whether we still, or will have something or not, it is just easier right now if I don’t keep getting my feelings stirred up. So doing something really good makes it so hard on me.

So now I feel I’ve fucked up again. She probably thinks, oh we had a fun time and Randy was real cool, then I get all depressed and call her, and she says, “he really is immature.” I don’t know. Maybe I am. But I think I am a communication addict. I have a high energy of talking, and listening. I drive my parents nuts at home by going on and on. I have such a need to talk and get a response. Also, I am so intensely emotional. People are not all the same. I think I am above average in intensity of emotion. I don’t want this to stop because I don’t want to kill that part of me. Maybe I’m not too cool, though I can be at times, but fuck it. It is an act. I am emotional. I want to be!

I don’t want to forget anything. If we are broken apart for good, I want to feel pain. I want to feel it always and for it to never go away.

Will every relationship I have and breakup make it easier? Easier and easier? Is that the way it’s supposed to be, maybe? Not sticking with any person too long.

Fuck it. What does anybody know. “You are always hurt at least once,” “Your first love never works out.” Who makes these rules? What do they know! What does anybody know about me?! I am not anyone else and I never existed before and will never exist again, and I make my own rules and I have my own personal set of feelings and ideas, and nothing that has happened to anyone else has anything to do with me. Time and numbers are not the only factors of anyone’s behavior. I know how I feel. It just doesn’t make sense how anyone could know someone so intensely and intimate and them just break off. I worry about the future. Some people do, and some don’t, but I can’t help it. I hope I am not obsessed, but I worry. I mean, living for only right now and not worrying about the future, that is like littering and saying fuck it, or killing animals until they become extinct.

I don’t know why I’m worried about this whole thing. I don’t understand it. But does anybody? It is important to me because all of the world is important and all of human relationships and important and you have to start with yourself and I don’t want to be alone and I want to do something important and good before I die and I need help and I need someone… And all of this I wrote has no meaning if Nancy doesn’t love me because you can’t make someone love you, and I have no control over that, but at least I have a little control over myself, a little…