Garbage Memo – Sunday Morning, October 11, 1981 – Dag Nabbit

My God... Made many very large mistakes already this morning. #1 – Got up. (to the sounds of screwing upstairs and Delila puke-ing away in the kitchen) #2 – let dog outside because she's sick and clawing at me to let her out. (BIG mistake, 'cuz no-one EVER lets her out and it's a nice day, and so OFF she goes—and it's really too early to chase after a sick dog, but...) #3 drank warm Yacht Club. #4 – went to McDonald's for ALL THE HOTCAKES YOU CAN POSSIBLY STOMACH, and actually tried to get my moneys worth. Lines all the way back to the door; I got in the line that of course did not move, and stood there like a fool for 20 minutes while the other four lines dwindeled/dwindled. “I'd like all the hotcakes in the world, please.” And a large coffee. They are OUT of coffee, can I wait? “Of course I can wait, I've been practicing for 20 minutes.”

So I got my coffee and hot cakes and found a seat. Butter won't melt, hotcakes are cold. Biker with fucked hat and HAIR sits down at my table with his young son, a pathetic little tyke who asks a million questions of his old man, who can't answer a one... Then his WIFE comes over and sits down with the food. She is of course incredibly huge and has no brain. “Honey, would you ask the girl for some ketchup?” she bloats, “and tell her to bring some more pancakes, these are COLD.” Now, let me tell you, this place is BUSY, and this poor little girl is wearing a path in the floor walking back and forth, trying to supply some asshole jocks with hotcakes, who throw them away when her back is turned and then yell at her bring them more...

So the biker starts demanding all this personal service from this waitress, when the ketchup and forks and sugar and damn near everything else he wants is about six steps away from him. Then his kid asks for a spoon. “A SPOON? A SPOON?” his old man asks, holding up one of those little paddles, “THIS AS CLOSE AS YOU'LL GET TO A SPOON IN THIS PLACE!” I mean, he was yelling, “THIS IS AS CLOSE AS YOU'LL GET TO A SPOON IN THIS PLACE!” So the girl comes with more hotcakes, and the things are all sticking together. “Go ahead and use your fingers,” I tell her. “They look clean.” “I don't understand,” she says, “They're sticking together.” “Your fingers are sticking together?” “No, the hotcakes.”

So, then I made my fifth and biggest mistake of the day. I ATE THE HOTCAKES. At least I found out why the hotcakes had been sticking together... They were raw inside. I mean, I can understand it and everything; they were real busy and had to crank out these damn HOTCAKES for all these asshole customers who were all pissed off for waiting around for COLDCAKES, and so the employees just decided to drive everyone away so they could get a break. And so they used every trick in the book to clear the place out, the best of them was putting cement in the pancake batter. This was the origin of that famous phrase: “YOU DESERVE A BRICK TODAY.”