Alani – Cotton Candy

It occurred to me right off the bat that this water could be dangerous—or slightly dangerous, anyway—just because of the weird vibe I got from the can. They made it taller and thinner than a regular can, so you think “Red Bull,” I guess, but it’s still 12 ounces, so it’s alarmingly tall. Also, the artwork looks like they half-assed it—I mean it’s a mess—but then again, maybe they are trying too hard. I don’t know… but who would make cotton candy flavored water? What flavor is cotton candy, anyway? Well, the weird thing is, it does actually taste like (my memory of) cotton candy (it’s been a few decades). Also, more than any water I’ve tried, I got the distinct impression that there was alcohol it it—so much so, I had to check the ingredients. But no. No, I wasn’t disappointed, I was relieved. Now that I think about it, this Alani Cotton Candy water seems exactly like something a clown would drink. Should that warm me up to it, or terrify me? I actually like it, too. Should that terrify me? I was almost expecting them to not have a website at all, but there is one. However, after looking at it for about ten minutes, nothing there made a bit of sense to me, and all I could think was: get me the fuck out of here. Sometimes, the best thing in the world is the “quit” button. I was thinking of looking for fan clubs of this water—or support groups for people trying to deal with it—but instead, I did the smart thing and dropped a hand grenade down the rabbit hole and went to bed.

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