In that I'm feeling basically unhappy lately, for no real good reason—I had to ask myself WHY—and try to make changes—because real pain and misery will come soon enough—why can't I feel better in these brief periods between the really bad stuff? Discussing here is my way of trying to make a change—since I'm not going to therapy and don't really have anyone to talk to about it. A lot of my worry is around my work (REX app) and pay, money, etc. But look—all I have to do is keep track of hours and decide what I should get paid per hour and and adjust how much I work accordingly—there is no one berating me or telling me I'm not doing enough—and I'm sure I am doing enough—I'm eternally too oversensitive—I just have to get over that.
Next—what am I really unhappy about? It is this: not working on my new novel (including the drawing and zine part?) and not working my old novel (including putting it on Kindle)—why don't I just work on those more? If I don't want to, it's okay! I'm the only one who cares—I should just do what makes me happy—I work on stuff every day. But if I just want to watch a movie or sports—that's okay. I do a lot, and what I want to do is more than anyone can possibly do, anyway. So what it comes down to is: it's all on me—I can't blame anyone else for my unhappiness—but it seems like that's what the human default setting tends to always try to do.
I'm at the Bollywood Grill on a fairly hot Tuesday—this food is delicious. Ate too much, as usual. I went for a walk this morning, listening to podcasts—short walk turned into a long walk—so I can now stay in for the rest of the day. I wish it was cooler—but still, not a fan of AC. Well, it's August and a month from my favorite weather time of the year.