Chapter 6 – My Name Is Randy

Friday morning came like bad news from home. Randy had been up all night with cold chills and nausea, and at one point he thought he must actually have the flu, and once he threw up he'd be justified in calling in sick. He spent at least an hour trying to decide on a phone app to take his temperature, but decided to just lie about it anyway, since he didn't have a fever but just felt like he did. The lack of sleep actually made him feel better than usual, and after a bowl of Cheerios he actually experienced a wave of euphoria and decided he'd just write the damn thing and not waste any more days suffering over it. No one read these things, anyway, he was sure—not even Jason.

After an hour of frantic typing, there was still enough time for a shower, and spellcheck, and he'd be able to get to work on time. It shouldn't have been that hard, as all the team member profile blogs basically followed the same format of standard questions and answers, and you could skip questions or add new ones to suit yourself. The problem was, in order to get an idea of appropriate questions (and answers) Randy had looked over the existing blog entries and had found them so horrifying that he was paralyzed with revulsion. Finally, he just jotted down some of the questions by themselves, then did his best to forget all about the life-sucking, team-member answers he'd witnessed by binge-watching a complete season of a recent cable TV show called Captain Slime. Then, in a fury of coffee-fueled desperation, he quickly typed replies to the questions. The key was, now, to not—under any circumstances, for the love of God—reread this thing before submitting it. The text was as follows:

As a ThribbleSpec Team Member, introduce yourself to our Family of Clients, Vendors, and Investors:

Hi! I'm Randy _______, a Midwesterner at heart, and even though I grew up in the Buckeye State, I'm a fully adopted Badger. (Badgers being a lot cuter, while Buckeyes are essentially nuts!) My education has been nomadic, to say the least, but I think that has served me well in my adaptability to new situations, thinking on my feet, and meeting the unique needs of most challenging clients in innovative ways by utilizing a unique bouillabaisse of empathetic listening, emphatic visualization, and enterprising zen.

What does ThribbleSpec mean to you?

More than just a company with a goofy name, ThribbleSpec is a family of like-minded visionaries in the field of Boomerang-driven Instagramatic app based marketing, as well as a state of mind, a reason for being, a diabolically conceived secret revolution, and a constant challenge for the spellcheck.

Describe your ThribbleSpec workday:

Most days I come to the office early, since it's an open concept and I like to find a seat at a table where I can best optimize my natural testosterone fueled energy by sitting with an often distracting view of the sometimes curiously short skirts of certain of my team-members. Then I check the Keurig coffee pod supply in case a client might be visiting. Then it's mostly about the making of spreadsheets into something slightly less soul-crushing than they are.

Why do you love ThribbleSpec?

First of all, “love” is not a strong or descriptive enough word for my feelings about ThribbleSpec. To be honest, I don't think there is a word in the English language that describes my glowing, growing, throbbing feelings for this company, so I'm going to have to consult the French. I'll get back to you.

Proudest career moment:

Probably this one.

Favorite place in Milwaukee:

Besides my open concept office at ThribbleSpec, you mean, and my bed? I'd have to say it's one of Milwaukee's lovely parks, my favorite being Pompeii Square, under the highway; fond memories of hurling there once on my way home from Irish Fest.

Comfort food:

Lemon Cheesecake French Toast and a Blue's Bloody Mary at Blue's Egg.

I'm drinking:

Current cocktail of choice is a Srirazerac (variation of Sazerac) made with Amerique 1912 Absinthe, The Yamazake Bourbon Barrel Single Malt Whisky, Monin Pure Cane simple syrup, Peychaud's Bitters, and Brooklyn Hemispherical Sriracha Bitters—chased with a tumbler of chilled Damn Spicy Brooklyn Brine Co. pickle juice. Failing that, I always fall back on a good ole' hometown ice cold MGD from the can.

Best career advice:

Don't be afraid to take on challenges far exceeding your level of comfort, expertise, and ability by always insisting that you're right—and make use of bullying, intimidation, and gaslighting when necessary.

When I'm not ThribbleSpec-ing, I'm:

Volunteering with my current philanthropic endeavor of choice, supporting my local seasonal athletics, or lying around watching anime porn and wishing I was dead.

Randy arrived at the office ten minutes late and opened his laptop at a table where he'd have the best view (it was monthly “#supercasualfriday” which meant, in some instances, NSFW skirt and underwear combinations). Jason was busy at his laptop about 20 feet away and tried to act like he didn't notice Randy come in late. After a moment the two made eye contact and Jason made a hand gesture that meant, “Shoot that blog entry over to me ASAP.” Randy shot it over and watched as Jason opened and perused it, frowning the whole time—for a about 30 seconds—certainly not enough time to read the whole thing. He shot a message back that said, “Looks good. Please remove the part about anime porn and wishing you were dead, and we're good to go.” Randy made the requested edit and then posted it.

It's funny how an enormous molehill like that one, once it had been belittled to merely another river to cross, could then be seen as just another tree in the forest, one that no one even heard get cut down. He needed coffee. For the rest of that day, anyway, now that that was over, Randy felt not bad at all.